The Middle Foam Finger

Conspiracy and Sport

2009-05-06T16:38:00.000-07:00

Whenever there's a game where even 60% of the calls and most notably, a handful of important ones, go in favor of one team or the other, talk then becomes dominated by how the result was "fixed", how the administrators of a sport have determined that one team will lose and that another will win, based perhaps on region, perhaps on overall popularity or perhaps that somebody somewhere has just crapped out.

Sometimes, like the 1972 Olympic basketball finals, where one call completely changes the result of the game or other instances where players and/or coaches have thrown matches, these accusations have some merit. However, most of the time, as it is in life, mistakes are just that, mistakes.

To accurately "fix" a match, when it is so full of various twists and turns, would be exceedingly difficult, especially considering that if any part of it would come to light, that the validity of the sporting organization of itself would be immediately at threat. As much control as an official has, they cannot make a player score purely by influence alone. In cases where an official appears to be favoring a team, it is far more likely that the official is merely incompetent and if one team is forcing the action, those mistakes will be amplified to one side or another -- for example, if a team is constantly defending, either the official will call too many or not enough fouls and there will not be enough incidents of the overwhelmed team attacking to balance things out.

Why then, is it necessary to assign some sort of agency?

Or more importantly, as a friend likes to ask, "Who benefits from this narrative?"

The answer seems to be that people are more comfortable with the concept of malice as opposed to incompetence. Given a choice between a world where shadowy figures exert control through hidden measures and one where we are ground in our myopia between the gears of Destiny and Fate, people will go for the former. It at least allows for a situation where somebody is in control, even if they turn out to be Evil.

(It should be noted that one kind of conspiracy by the higher-ups is possible, in that by assigning an official who is known to be incompetent, it is likely that certain results will occur. This is analogous to the difference between saying that 9/11 was an inside job and that the U.S. Administration knowingly turned a blind eye to the possibility of an attack.)

An Open Letter to Adrian Wojnarowski

2009-01-18T07:59:00.000-08:00

In Reply to: "Miles separated Blazers GM from greatness"

Woj,

I wanted to reply to your recent article on the Darius Miles-Kevin Pritchard fiasco.

There are several pieces of rebuttal that you never even begun to shed light on, and you seem to perpetuate this personal attack on the Blazers' front office with no real argument.

First of all, independent doctors deemed Darius' injury to be career-ending - they are the ones that stamped the label of "medical retirement" on Darius - not the Blazers front office.

But, the front office, obviously, relished that it had a "dirty" bill of health for Miles. Pritchard has made no secret that his goal was to change the character of the Blazers organization - and Darius was the man that needed to be gone to make that image complete. During his years as a Blazer, he showed his continued immaturity and presented absolutely no passion for the game. Darius was the "poison pill" that allowed writers like you to keep up the "Jail Blazers" tag on the franchise.

Not only was Darius a malingering drain on the franchise, but his contract made him virtually untradeable (a fault of the Blazers, I know). So why shouldn't Pritchard, and more importantly Paul Allen, try and see the injury as the only means of escape from a bad situation?

Keep in mind, this is Paul Allen, he didn't get to where he is by handing out money in 8 million dollar chunks willy nilly. Why shouldn't he feel personally attacked when his own money is as stake? Would you, for example, roll over for millions of your own dollars in a case like this? Put yourself in Paul's shoes. You protect your investment.

Did the Blazers' do everything right? Absolutely not. But, did they also receive some injustice in being thrust into this situation? Absolutely.

I applaud Darius in coming back from this injury - it shows a lot more character than he portrayed in Portland. It's a shame that the Blazers' fueled the fire for Darius to play again, but no one is blaming Darius. And no one should.

Perhaps the blame is on writers that continually use this as a personal dart board with Kevin Pritchard's face plastered on it. It's lazy writing and by no means a new story (why don't you research the Fortune 500 companies that protect their investments in an even more unethical way?).

I hope in the future to read much less ireful, and hopefully more insightful, BASKETBALL commentary from the writers at Yahoo! Sports.

Sincerely,
Rosco

P.S.
More insightful commentary from someone WAY smarter than me here.

Happy New Year, Idiots

2009-01-01T14:35:00.000-08:00

So it took exactly one day into the New Year for Ol' Woj to come up with an apologia for Good Ol' Brett vis-a-vis a non-comparison comparison with Aaron Rodgers. Gene tries to set it up like it's a wash while constantly bringing up little asides on how Favre's division was tougher, how Rodgers had more prep time (and who, exactly is to blame for that?) and how Rodgers sucked from coming from behind.

Oh yeah, and Favre threw a ton of picks. A league-leading amount of picks, in fact. His skill players were worse though, so it's cool.

I'd also like to set an over/under of a week for Ol' Woj to respond to Thomas Jones calling out Favre for being selfish and a shitty teammate who distanced himself from the other players. Double or nothing if he compares Jones disfavorably to Obama.

To move across the pond, sad news from Soccernet, where Phil Ball, half of the writers on that site worth reading (the other half being Uli Hesse-Lichtenberger*), has moved on to ply his trade else where. This means that rather than thoughtful and nuanced pieces that manage to take a reasonable and knowledgable stance on the sport itself (not to mention understanding that there's more to sport than just sport), we're stuck with dross like this.

The weakest part of a weak article is the passage making fun of Marouane Fellaini, whose main fault seems to be that he hasn't become a worldwide star in his three months or so in the EPL. Oh, sorry Marouane, your ability to adjust to an incredibly physical and demanding league in a short time and become an integral part of a good team while showcasing your ability to both attack and defend while playing multiple roles as the team suffers an injury crisis is made moot because you have a silly haircut and cost more money than the cheap shit that whoever writes this crap gets lashed on every night.

Happy New Year, motherfuckers.

* - And it's no conincidence that these writers are more strongly affiliated with the mighty good When Saturday Comes rather than the corporate blockheadedness of The Worldwide Leader.

I Pay Your Salary OR The Sociology of Fandom, Part Whatever

2008-11-19T11:21:00.000-08:00

"I pay your salary."

There is a common delusion among sports fans that players are in some way beholden to their fans because the fans "pay their salary" through their economic consumption of sports.

Unless you are writing a check every two weeks that says "Frank Thomas" on it, you are not paying his salary. Even if you write a check to the Denver Broncos or to their ticket office, you are not paying Jay Cutler's salary. The movement of dollars through various entities transmogrifies it. It is no longer yours, it no longer carries your dreams and desires, if it did it in the first place.

Aside from highlighting a particularly childlike view of basic economics, this trope is a good example of how fans feel alienated from modern sports and how they attempt to bridge this gap.

This update was borne out of a Clinton Portis anecdote about interacting with the public. Here, the gap was bridged physically, the player controlled. The semantics of the utterance "I pay your salary" is then exposed as having much deeper meanings than the surface interpretation. For most of us, if our boss/supervisor, someone who far more literally pays our salaries (although it's more that they provide us with the opportunity to be paid, we'll skip over that for now), were to grab us like the unnamed fan grabbed Portis, it would be inappropriate. This is not to say that this hasn't happened or would automatically result in termination or some other censure for the higher-up; it would still represent a breach of the social contract and an action that most would deem as unacceptable, especially in a professional environment.

Instead, what is meant here is "I Own You", replete with all the racial connotations inherent in a white fanbase rooting for a largely non-white pool of athletes. I'd like to say that this is borne out of sports being increasingly dominated by economics, with astronomical numbers increasingly becoming the norm; I think this has always been around though, the feeling that as fans are a tribe, the players are not the leaders of the tribe, they somehow owe their existence to the tribe. Some sort of reversal of the standard cosmological religious relationship, where the masses are aware that they have created their gods and thus establish their primacy, fandom wresting the title of Demiurge from their pantheons.

This is all because sports are now effectively completely abstract in terms of their relationships to the geographical commuities that they are supposed to represent. While it seems that nothing except Liberated Fandom is a reasonable stance to take in a situation of We Have Always Been Conference Rivals With Oceania, the old allegiances still reign supreme, a bit weathered and faded as people take on "second teams"; yet still the Manichean view pervades, obscuring Truth, Reason and Beauty.

Blazers Wallpaper!

2008-11-11T13:21:00.000-08:00

[UPDATED] - 11/17
I, admittedly, have too much free time on my hand. Please enjoy this new wallpaper.

[1440 x 900]

[1920 x 1200]

[1920 x 1440]

[1280 x 800]

I appreciate your comments and/or rantings about what a crappy job I did.

R.I.P. Duckworth

2008-08-26T08:09:00.000-07:00

(1964-2008)

Most Improved Player: 1988
All-Star: 1989, 1991

NBA Finals: 1990, 1992

We'll miss you, big fella.

I just can't help myself

2008-07-01T12:06:00.000-07:00

I know that ESPN is all about puff these days. Trying to find something that actually analyzes sport or the business that surrounds it is difficult when pushing through all the flab of personality pieces, regurgitated press releases and "frat-fan" pandering. The most insipid content on ESPN.com are the feature columnists, who read like the editorial page of a badly out-of-touch regional newspaper, myopically hearkening back to a world that never existed outside of their heads, appealing to whatever they might believe will get Joe Fan out of their seat, spilling their domestic beer in righteous outrage, regardless of whether what they're saying is relevant or correct.

Knowing this, I should really stop a. reading it and/or b. stop writing self-righteous screeds about them on MFF. However, I can't help myself. I like sports. I like what sports journalism has a chance to be and if nothing else, I like letting off steam by taking people to task when I feel like they're using their platform in a less than meritorious fashion.

The target of today's bile is Good Ol' Gene Wojciechowski, a MFF favorite (along with Pat Forde) because he represents the worst of ESPN's "voice", that being an easy, middle-of-the-road white-bread "fan's view" that could very well be automatically generated by a machine in a Bristol basement and is almost always unfailingly bone-headed to the point where I wonder if a cranial cavity is involved at all.

The article in question.

The issue is whether NFL rookie contracts are too generous. I think that there's a pretty obvious answer there, which is: "yes". When teams are more interested in trading down and getting rid of higher (read: better) draft picks for purely financial reasons, then something is amiss and it's no surprise that the NFL would want to address the issue. Yes, NFL management made a mistake in letting this situation occur in the first place and yes, the player's union is absolutely correct in not wanting it to change. It's a sticky problem and it's unlikely that it will be elegantly resolved.

Which is why it's reasonable for Wojciechowski to chide the NFL management in terms of letting it occur and then appearing to the bad guys by asking the union to help fix things up. Fair enough.

Then he goes on to point out that hey, the Dolphins are pretty excited about this Chris Long guy, enough so that they signed him before the draft and sent his agent a medal for helping it get done. So, since a team appears to be happy with the player that they drafted first overall, a player who has yet to play a snap in the NFL, I guess this means that there isn't a problem. A single pick, taken out of context and heavily relying on supposition that the player involved will pan out, is proof enough that the system works. Huzzah!

After this, he points out that football players operate under different rules than the average working man. Good point, Gene! I commend you on not pulling out the "George Fanguy moves from Midway Accounting to Takahashi Inc. as accounting fans boo hysterically from the sidewalk" trope that mid-rate columnists like to drag out like a distentegrating corpse, instead restraining yourself to merely stating that people who earn astronomical amounts of money to play a game are beholden to rules and regulations that don't apply to say, somebody who runs a hot dog stand.

The next step is to needle Goodell for not taking a pay cut himself and then launch into a full-scale assault on the NFL for pricing out fans. While high executive pay and the rising cost of attending sporting events are definitely issues that deserve debate and investigation, I fail to see how they're relevant to the problem of high rookie contracts acting as a disincentive to the point where they become more important than actual athletic talent. For one thing, the NBA, which has a rookie contract system that Goodell would like to mimic, still has the executive pay and high seat prices problems of the NFL, which would seem to indicate that there doesn't seem to be a direct connection those and having a less grandiose system for determining rookie contracts. And if there's no connection, you have to wonder exactly why it would be brought up unless these are subjects that will appeal to the fan that is being priced out and spark a resentment of perceived elitism that creates a kneejerk response in lieu of actually having to write something thoughtful. Or maybe we don't, because that seems to make a lot of sense.

Wojciechowski then brings up that the league and its owners are making a shit-ton of money. This is not really debatable. Jerry Jones could pay for a facelift for every NFL fan worldwide and still have enough money left over to make the country of Bolivia dance for his amusement. The league itself has reached an unprecedented position of success in American sports and bestrides the continent like a money-stuffed colossus. What this has to do with the fact that draft picks have lost value because of the structure of rookie contracts, I'm not entirely sure, beyond acting as an incentive to rile up fans about how they're gettin' screwed by the fat cats in the NFL front office. Oh, looks like I answered my own question again.

The main problem I have with this piece is that it promotes this ridiculously simplistic worldview where if Goodell says "We are currently giving rookies too much money" the response is "Well, you've got lots and lots of money, so why do you have a problem giving it to the people who play the game?" It seems reasonable at first; however, once you start thinking about the situation, the issue isn't about total pay, it's about how giving untested players a lot of money right off the bat makes it difficult for teams to improve through the draft since the rookies are going to be taking up money from the cap that could be used for proven players, money that might as well be tossed into a furnace if these rookies (as many don't) don't pan out. The issue here is how rookie contracts affect competitive balance, something that is near and dear to the NFL's (black, oozing, money-stuffed) heart, not protecting the bottom line. (A conclusion that is made even more ridiculous by the fact that there's a salary cap.)

In closing: ESPN is horrible. Gene Wojciechowski writes intellectually dishonest columns. And we're a bunch of spiteful jerks. Everybody have a safe Fourth!

Quarterfinal Previews: Game One

2008-06-18T15:51:00.000-07:00

Portugal v. Germany

0-0: On one hand, Portugal has been one of the most fluent sides in these championships, capable of holding the ball for long periods of time. On the other hand, they have precisely two players who are above-average at defending set-pieces (to be fair, C. Ronaldo has the physical abilities to be in this group as well, I'm just not sure if he can mark somebody), which is not exactly where you want to be against the Germans, who have quite a number of players who are good in the air (assuming that Friedrich plays at right back and Schweinsteiger replaces one of Podolski/Frings, I count 7 out of 10 outfield players and a minimum of 4*).

Another problem for the Portuguese is that they don't have a particularly dominant center-forward, which they only play one of, meaning that if the Germans play smart and play defensively-oriented players at the wing midfield position, they could effectively dictate where the ball has to be played. This could possibly mask the fact that the center of the German defense, Metzelder - Mertesacker - Lehmann, has been decidedly shaky in the group stages and are eminently capable of giving up a soft goal.

If Portugal Scores First: Not completely lights out. Germany has shown an inability to break down a determined and bunkering opponent; however, Portugal lacks the physicality of the Croats or Austrians, they should concentrate on keeping on the ball and getting a second.

If Germany Scores First: Should be interesting, as Portugal will have to pour players forward and the German defense is shaky. Will depend on a great extent as to whether anybody other than Ronaldo or Deco can score.

Portugal - If I Were Doing It: Drop Nuno Gomes, play C. Ronaldo as the nominal "center forward" with Simao and Nani on the flanks. Play similarly to Manchester United, relying on possession and pressure to crack an unsettled German defense. (Although, if Portugal were truly to play like Man U, they would have to play C. Ronaldo, Nani, Simao and Quaresma in a rotating mess of wingers/attackers and have Deco and Moutinho playing out of midfield. Which would be tantamount to defensive suicide; however, it would look pretty cool.)

Germany -- If I Were Doing It: Continue with Lahm at LB, Friedrich at RB, play Fritz and Schweinsteiger as the wide players and then bring in Hitzlsperger for Frings. Drop Gomez and play Neuville (or Podolski, if available) between the midfield and Klose. Play on the counter and concentrate on overwhelming the Portuguese on set-pieces. If you go behind, move Friedrich to CB, Fritz and Lahm become wingbacks, with Ballack playing a free role.

Prediction: Portugal 2-1 Germany, with Germany getting a consolation goal in the last 10 minutes just to keep things edgy. Portuguese goals will come on a bullshit penalty and a breakaway on the counter that Ronaldo will roll into the opposite corner.

* - Ze Germans could bring out a (relatively) lightweight lineup of: Lehmann; Lahm, Mertesacker, Metzelder, Jansen; Fritz, Ballack, Frings, Podolski, Neuville, Klose -- that's still a big (no pun intended) ask for the Portuguese in terms of bodies on bodies though.

Domenech the Donkey

2008-06-17T12:13:00.000-07:00

In World Cup 2006, we piled on Jose Pekerman for not going for the jugular against Germany with a wealth of attacking talent on his bench.

Well, as ill-advised as that was, poor Jose should feel more than a bit put out by our remonstrations, since after today, he's not even in the same galaxy as the Ultimate Donkey, French coach Raymond Domenech. Not only did Domenech not bring David Trezeguet, one of the top French strikers, not only did he substitute like-for-like against Romania instead of going for the jugular, he, after Eric Abidal had been sent off for giving away a penalty that put the French down 1-0, took off attacking midfielder Samir Nasri (who had come on minutes earlier for the injured Franck Ribery) for a central defender. And not just any defender, he brought on Boumsong, who arguably shouldn't even have been in the squad.

At this point French fans could be forgiven for venting their spleen in his general direction, as it is primarily his baffling approach to tactics that has gotten the French where they are now, sitting bottom of the Group of Death, looking upward at the cavalier Dutch, who have swashbuckled their way to the quarterfinals.

Domenech must be hoping that the French can sneak one on the counter or on a set-piece (and as I write, Henry pulls one just wide); however, how do you expect to do this with a minimum of attacking options, with still two defensive midfielders?

Euro 2008 Days 3 and 4; Rooting for the Underdog

2008-06-11T09:47:00.000-07:00

France v. Romania

Oh, how I love it when a coach is bitten on his ass because of his own trepidation. Faced with a Romanian team that was concerned completely with defense, Raymond Domenech brought on a forward for a forward, then a midfielder for the other forward. Ridiculous. If you are the better team, if you are in a situation where you are in a group with two other tough teams and you are playing the Weak Sister, you will probably need a win. Now, it may be that France will still go through; however, leaving things up for chance leaves you where Italy was last Euros, claiming collusion between the Swedes and Danes as they flew home.

Italy v. Netherlands AND Spain v. Russia

Both of these games are similar to me because they represent the essential nature of the sport. While both the Netherlands and Spain enjoyed victories that were generally represented as routs, that doesn't accurately describe how the games played out. Both games could have conceivably been victories for the other teams, had chances been/not taken. Actual domination in soccer is a rare thing and although both the Spanish and the Dutch are sentimental favorites at TMFF, these performances are definitely not an indication that they are ready to rampage through the rest of the field.

Sweden v. Greece

That was a pretty nice goal.

On Rooting for the Underdog

I also wanted to talk about Rick Reilly's recent article for ESPN regarding rooting for the underdog. Under the viewpoint of liberated fandom, rooting for somebody or some team simply because they're less likely to win is just as formulaic and insipid as bandwagon-jumpers are to those who always pull for the underdog. To consistently choose one side of an equation regardless of the character involved is dogmatic blindness. It's taking the side of the working man in the same sense that totalitarian Communism was all about the proleteriat.

Euro 2008, Days 1 & 2 Analysis

2008-06-08T10:55:00.000-07:00

The first two days of Euro 2008 featured matchups that paralleled each other well -- in the early games, the presumably overwhelmed host nations would play against countries considered to be dark horses for the title. In the late games, a team considered to be one of the favorites played against teams that would have a shout at getting out of the group stages and not much more than that.

In both of the early games, pre-tournament analysis* was proven to have missed one of the canonical rules of soccer -- host nations are invariably lifted to at least one level higher than their talent due to the homefield advantage. Although Austria and Switzerland lost their games, both were the dominant team and were unlucky not to get at least a point.

In the later games, a 2-0 scoreline was paralleled as both contenders managed to control their games and either could have scored more. Portugal and Germany identified themselves as having a significant amount of influential players in their sides as well as a quality in depth that is lacking from many other squads in these championships. While the late games were more one-sided that those than game earlier, they were also more entertaining, as the greater technical abilities of the contenders created a more open, end-to-end game, as opposed to the cageyness of the early matches.

Switzerland v. Czech Republic

The Czechs lacked any sort of fluency in midfield, consistently turning the ball over 30-40 yards from the Swiss goal. They took the one clear chance that they had, otherwise it was extremely forgettable. Having Rosicky, Nedved and Poborsky removed from the team that looked so good at Euro 2004 is a let-down; however, I was surprised that Milan Baros was not on the field at any point in the match. Although he is a flawed and limited player, one of his major attributes is his willingness to run at players with the ball at his feet, something that the Czechs were lacking and which might have opened up the game.

One odd moment was near the end of the game, with the Swiss pushing for an equalizer. The camera cut to the Swiss bench and showed Liverpool-bound Philippe Degen sitting next to the injured Alexander Frei. With his team down 1-0 and struggling to make anything happen, as well as sitting next to the captain of the team that was injured near the end of the first half and struggling not to break down, Degen was laughing and smiling, apparently trying to share some sort of anecdote to Frei, who appeared to be studiously ignoring him. Considering that reports out of Borussia Dortmund around the time of his leaving were accusing Degen of having the intelligence of a rock with developmental issues, I'd be wary of him if I were a Reds fan.

Portugal v. Turkey

In the second half, Portugal took off Gomes and went to the formation that many people had been suggesting they adopt as the default, using three attacking wingers up top (in this case, Ronaldo, Simao and Nani) switching positions with no real center-forward. This type of formation has been used very effectively in club football by Manchester United and Roma and with Portugal not having a stand-out classic forward, it's a very attractive idea for them to adopt the fluid and interchangeable style that is currently the cutting-edge of modern soccer tactics. That said, it is worth noting that the winning goal was scored by a center-back, Pepe, who was put through on goal by a one-two played by Nuno Gomes, who started the game leading the line.

Austria v. Croatia

This match for me highlighted the problem with the traditional "flat" 442. Austria came out with an unusual 3-5-2 formation and after going behind early, the wide players in the midfield played more as wingers than wingbacks. For the majority of the match, the Croatian wide players were pinned back defending, allowing the Austrians to easily crowd and overwhelm the two Croatian forwards, who were forced to check back deep into midfield to receive the ball. In this kind of situation, it would have been beneficial for Croatia to play with one central attacker and two attacking widemen in the vein of the classic Ajax 443, since with their wide players pushing up, Austria was leaving the flanks open. However, with the Croatian wide midfielders having to spend most of their time defending, there was nobody exploiting that space. Although Croatia won the match, they were lucky to have done so and would have been better off being able to generate chances on the counter than desperately hoping their defense could hold out.

The man of the match for me was Dario Srna, who was responsible for the majority of the chances that Croatia generated and was an excellent defender down the right side. Croatia should have scored from one of his excellent dead-ball deliveries, although his one direct shot from a free-kick was poor and into the wall.

Germany v. Poland

Germany decided to go with an attacking lineup featuring Podolski wide left and Gomez and Klose up top. This decision paid off with all three players involved in the first goal, Gomez playing a tremendous flicked through-ball that sent Klose free before he set up Podolski for a tap-in. While they did not score again until the later part of the second half, the Germans were consistently able to generate a variety of chances, although neither Michael Ballack or Torsten Frings were able to get forward as much as they would have liked.

Poland played well tactically yet could not generate more than a few clear-cut chances, which they were unable to take advantage of. The best chance was a cut-back from the right side of the penalty area that was put wide of the far post, which was quickly followed by the Germans blowing the exact same situation at the other end of the pitch. Although the Poles had a great deal of shots, most of these were from 30+ yards and were either wide of the goal or easily handled by Mad Jens.

* - Sensibly missing from TMFF, of course.

Holy Balls, I am Rooting for Boston

2008-06-05T09:21:00.000-07:00

Hell is freezing over. Pigs can fly. I can pass calculus.

I am rooting for a Boston team. More specifically, I am rooting for the Boston Celtics - otherwise known as the second most inocuous Boston pro franchise. So, really, it's not THAT bad (I like to tell myself).

This gets me thinking, if I am rooting FOR a Boston team, what then, could be bad enough to root against. Yep, the Lakers. For those that don't know - the Lakers are a bunch of sole-sucking, bandwagon fan having, pretentiously coached bunch of overachievers with one legitimate star (sorry Pau, add an extra consenant to your name, and we'll talk - but you're still a one-move exploiter with no defensive skills).

Oh, and that one legitimate star that you have - he's a bitch. He makes faked videos, has spotty defensive skills (ball hawk? sure. On ball defender? Um, sorry, not quite.), and bills himself as the next Michael Jordan. Guess what though, Kobe? No one really hated Michael Jordan.

The short of it is, these finals suck (see my post two years ago on the "fabulous" Miami/Dallas finals - where are those teams now?).

Here's why you need to root for Boston:

Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett - these guys have seen better days, but, let's give them one before they walk off into the sunset.

Rajon Rondo - I sort of pity a starting point guard that has made SO many mistakes, yet somehow stumbled his way into the finals. Wait, did I say pity, I meant despise.

Paul Pierce - for no real reason except, well, if Antoine Walker has a ring, Pierce should (maybe that'll keep him from sitting out ends of seasons).

Kendrick Perkins - actually, he pretty much sucks, and it'd be a shame for him to win a ring.

Scott Pollard - he'll do something with that ring.

Now, the reasons the Lakers should win:

...

Have you been paying attention? The Lakers as an organization suck - they are pure evil. If they win, the zen-minded, Hans Gruberesque coach joins the ranks of Red Auerbach. For shame! Kobe wins without Shaq. Holy Bitchfest, Batman! Pau Gasol gets an NBA ring to add to ... don't even mention it - he sucks on so many levels. Bill Walton's son gets a ring. WTF?

This cannot happen.

And I take a deep breath when I say this -

Go Celtics.

Man U - Barcelona II

2008-04-29T12:24:00.000-07:00

Van Der Sar has now saved Man U's hash twice and appears to be a bit shaken up. Barca have the foot on the gas now and the Mancunians are defending desperately, helped only by the fact that the Catalans tend to "Arsenal" it a bit, trying to dribble it into the goal rather than letting fly.

This game is an advertisement for the true nature of the game and a repudiation of the boring mush that we're frequently served up as fans. This is the reason that Chelsea will never be thought of as fondly as Arsenal, even if they've been more successful.

As I type, a Nani header flashes just wide.

If both these teams finish second in their league (Barca most likely will wind up being third), it will be a pity, even if Real Madrid and Villareal are fun to watch in their own right, just because this is how the game is meant to be played at the highest level, full of skill, inventiveness and a sense of risk. Fie on those teams that "grind" out results. Fie on you, other CL semifinal. There's a reason why Cruyff is a godhead.

This is affirmation for what we want as fans, the desire to see players attempt the fantastic, to dance with the ball.

Milito just misses connecting on a free header.

Halftime. I like the selection of Park and Tevez for Manchester. They're excellent combinations of offensive skill and defensive desire, defending from the front. I would say that they're the analogue to Iniesta, Xavi and Yaya Toure for Barca, the hod-carriers, even if the pair of Red Devils plays much further up the pitch.

Man U - Barcelona

2008-04-29T12:09:00.000-07:00

I'm typing this with one eye on the window and the other on a tiny, ghost-filled window showing a Chinese broadcast of the Champions League match between Man U and Barcelona. It's almost a religious experience. Thus far, this game is delivering what we didn't get from the Arsenal-Barca final two years ago: two of the most attacking, talented teams in the world going at each other.

Currently it's 1-0, courtesy of two typical events:

1. Barca trying to play the ball out of the back and making a horrible giveaway.

2. Paul "Ginger Ninja" Scholes blasting a long-range shot into the upper corner.

Now creating a situation where Barcelona has to steam forward to get an equalizer while Man U tries to get a second goal to put the game to bed. Right now Little Leo Messi is the Danger Man. Every time he gets the ball you can feel everybody tense up -- he's already had one run where he beat three men and then was robbed by Van Der Sar for the equalizing goal. It's his pace when he gets going with the ball at his feet, combined with his close control, that makes him something unworldly. The thought of a team with both him and Cristiano Ronaldo is maybe too perfect to actually happen.

Cut. Parry. Thrust.

In Soviet Russia, the ball shoots you

2008-03-04T22:39:00.001-08:00

The Warriors are Twilight Zone NBA. They succeed by not playing basketball. That is, they don't play basketball as it's "meant to be" by Those in the Know. The Right-Wayers have no place here. Teams are defeated not by box-outs or carefully-run screens; instead, they sacrifice themselves on the altar of Playground Basketball. They willingly allow their hearts to be taken beating from their chests because they deep down love the game as it should be, winners stay, shirts vs. skins. It's less the Warriors imposing their will on the other team and more that the other team can't help themselves from being seduced and becoming the National Guardsman tripping on LSD, heading down to the river to skinny-dip while the Weathermen loot in the background.

It makes sense then that the team that ended the dream last year was Jerry Sloan's team of robo-players. It was either going to be them or the similar androids that make up the Spurs that would finally put an end to this, ending like most rebellions do, a splinter group, broken off from the ideological runners of the Suns, defeating The Best only to fall when presented with a foe that would not give in to their hedonistic orgy of threes and bops.

Few Warriors fans would say that fate could be any different for this year. For one, the Dubs might not even make the playoffs, a travesty that has caused Bop City to proclaim, on an estimated average of 3.5 times per day that alternately, either that the league should reseed across conferences to prevent the hideousness of the lower seeds in the East desecrating the concept of a meritocracy or alternately that Stern already has such a reseeding in place, waiting only for the moment to grasp media ascendancy for the NBA, only biding his time until the moment is right.

Of course, we all know that the iron fist of Rules and Regulations will remain supreme over any sort of Common Sense. The Management is The Management for a good reason and this is because they see this sort of thing as important.

To finish, this season should prove, to any knowledgeable fan at least, that the heart and soul of the Warriors is Stephen Jackson. Aside from the straight-up evidence (horrible start, the Messiah returns, vengeance is wreaked, etc.), he is at one the physical and mental personification of the team and its philosophies. It makes far too much sense in a smoking-too-much-pot kind of way that it took S-Jax coming to Oakland basketball for them to redeem each other.

The Adventures of Greggy and Kev the Wunderkind

2008-02-29T12:04:00.001-08:00

Volume 1, Issue 3...
Auf wiedersehen,
Rosco

Up Yours, Internet

2008-02-22T16:21:00.001-08:00

One aspect of the blogger-led revolution on sports commentary is the highly-trumpeted and touted Democratizing of Sports Commentary. That is to say, for you sports bloggers out there, we've finally wrested control of sports commentary from the Sports Commentary Elite and given a voice to the little guy. There's a problem with this, though, which is the assumption that the little guy always has something worthwhile to say.

Middle Foam Finger deals with the issue of not having something worthwhile to say by well, not saying anything. Some may claim that this is laziness on our part, while we prefer to think of it as "Quality Control". However, most of the rest of the Internet doesn't have the wherewithal, foresight or rugged good looks to hold themselves in check like ourselves and instead relies on repetition of textual diarrhea which in its highest form consists of nothing more than summaries of what other crap people have posted elsewhere on the internet today.

Which is a roundabout way to getting to the subject of today's bile-infested spittle-fest: is there anything more inane or banal than ESPN.com's Featured Comment? Like clockwork, these comments are always something that if you closed your eyes, you could imagine being uttered, along with scraps of buffalo wings, from some genius with a Red Sox hat even though he's from Indiana, saying after he's had about two beers two many* shortly before the bartender tells everybody that they're far too stupid to not go home.

And why is this comment on the ESPN.com front page? Well one, it's free content, and that's nothing to turn your nose up at. Two, it shows that ESPN is "hip with the kids" by allowing user-created content, probably just so that ESPN executives can avoid criticism that they're ruining sports coverage in America (and increasingly, the rest of the world as well) by pointing out that the most utterly brain-stomping piece of crapulence on their home page is straight from the fans, meaning that instead of ruining things, they're just giving people what they want.

Nevermind that these are probably the worst possible advertisement for sports fan comments possible (the second-worst possible being the comments on Deadspin, which we are contractually obliged to hate on because Leitch totally bogarted OUR logo for the cover of his brand-spanking new and assuredly financially-successful book, just wait Leitch, our solicitors will be contacting you shortly). Nevermind that the only possible rational reaction to these things is to vow never to view ESPN.com comments unless you are very very drunk, along the same lines of those late-night visits to lisasparxx.com interspersed with visits to chick.com and then back again. Actually wait, you should mind! You go ahead and mind this shit. I may have just had someone stare crosseyed at me while I sit here digging my finger two knuckles deep into my ear while I'm supposed to be working and I'm still three steps higher on the evolutionary ladder than half of the so-called sports bloggage out there.

The Democratization of the Blogogogogosphere does not mean the Retardification of the Sports Fan**. Resist the urge of posting just because you can. If you don't have anything smart to say, don't say it at all.

* - So, three.

** - Or at least, not any more so.

Wise Fwom Yo Gwave

2008-02-08T12:12:00.000-08:00

Okay, we've been sleeping for a while. Rip Van Foam Finger, or something like that. However, something needed to be said after one of the most satisfying results for Haters worldwide.

Is there really anything more satisfying than seeing the underdog pull it off? Than seeing Papa Bouba Diop freak after scoring against France for Senegal? Than seeing Doug Flutie jump around like a 4-year-old who actually got the basketball through the hoop? Okay, maybe not the last one because that was a Baaaaaaahston Sports Moment and if nothing else, this year has taught us that there's nothing quite as aggravating as a smug and condescending Boston sports fan, chortling at their World Series win, their best record in the NBA, their perfect Patri...

Oh...

Oh.

Oh!

Oh, I can hardly describe the feeling, the glee, of seeing Perfect Tom Brady, Perfect Bill Belichick and the Perfect Patriots taste the sour sour grapes of losing to the Goofy Manning* and the New York Giants, who were probably the fourth-, maybe third-best team in the NFC. Way to go, Greatest Team in the History of the World Ever. Thanks for making my week, my month, my year. Let the Haterade flow.

* - That's fucking hard to do people, if you're immediately identifiable as the goofiest member of *that* family.

The Curse of Spain

2007-11-17T22:40:00.000-08:00

During Spain's 3-0 victory over Sweden in Euro 2008 Qualifying today, Ray Hudson made a number of comments about how Spain are the perennial underachievers of world football, featuring a plethora of talent at every position and yet having nothing to show for it.

"Nobody knows why", he said.

Bull-ass-crap, Mr. Hudson.

The reason, as explained to me by my culé co-worker Eduardo, as well as laid out in Phil Ball's excellent book Morbo, is that Spain is an incredibly divided nation. There is no Spanish monoculture; there's a collection of ethnic/cultural groups, all of which have historical reasons for not liking each other. As Eduardo said when I first tried to talk to him about the national team: "Fuck Spain. I'm Catalan, not Spanish. While I'm interested in how the national team does, the only team I root for is Barcelona."

I'm certain the same is true for many other Catalans/Basques/etc. and while there are plenty of people (mainly in Madrid) who want to see some sort of united team, you get the sense that there's still some simmering resentment of the members of the 'other' Spanish cities who happen to play for the national team. And while these differences certainly have a questionable affect, if any, on the action on the field, is so tied into a common feeling among both players and fans, that any sort of basic political schism in the team must at some point represent enough extra friction to keep things from running smoothly. And to win an international tournament, one needs smoothness.

Which is a pity, because the current Spanish side can play some breathtaking football. Today, Aragones put out a lineup that featured Ramos-Puyol-Marchena-Capedevila across the back, with Albeda acting as a midfield librero in front of the defense while Xavi acted as the pivot in midfield. Iniesta and Fabregas seemed to have license to pop up anywhere. David Silva switched flanks with impunity while David Villa played a floating position up top. The end result was a nastily fluid team, reminiscent of the recent trends in La Liga and the EPL that favor a team that can adjust itself on the fly and relies on technical, one-touch football to break down a bunkered team.

It's the transition midfielders that really make the difference with this team. In terms of box-to-box midfielders, Spain have an astonishing number players who are not only good; it's arguable that they have 3 out of the top 5 in the world. Xavi, Iniesta and Fabregas are all comfortable with the ball at their feet, can tackle if they need to, run all day, make the killer pass and with the slight exception of Xavi, are good-to-excellent finishers. Oh, and they're some of the best tactical players in the game today. Still, every time Xavi got the ball, you could feel tension in the Bernabeu, tension that couldn't do anything to the machine today; still, you never know when a little bit of grist will get in the gears.

Celebration of a Single Table

2007-11-16T10:20:00.000-08:00

Over the last couple years, domestic football in Europe has suffered from an overabundance of non-competition. Too frequently, the title races has been decided only halfway or two-thirds of the way through the season. The most egregious example would be in France, where Lyon has won the title seven years in a row and has done so in most of those cases going away, leaving everybody else fighting for a distant second spot.

Last year brought us a little sign that things could be different -- even as Lyon and Inter bulldozed their way to the French and Italian titles, the German, Dutch and Spanish titles all came down to the final match-day, with back-and-forth results in all cases. Even the English league, which had been extremely straight-forward for a number of years, had something approximating a dash down the homestretch as the double-champion Chelsea bowed out to a resurgent Manchester United.

This year, at least so far, looks like it will be the best year for competition in a long time. Arsenal and Manchester United are neck-and-neck in the Premier League and I'm certainly not writing off Chelsea or even Liverpool, who are still only 6 points back (although Arsenal has a game in hand). Real Madrid, Villareal, Valencia and Barcelona are all grouped together at the top of La Liga, with no team looking truly convincing. In Italy, it's Inter, Juventus, Fiorentina and Roma. Even in Germany, where everybody expected the rejuvenated Bayern Munich to run the table, a recent patch of poor form has left the Bavarians only a point ahead of Hamburg and Bremen, two teams with an excellent core of players themselves. The Dutch league features the traditional Big Three all grouped together, doubtless snarling like dogs.

While Lyon are only 3 points ahead of Nancy with the second-place team having a game in hand, it seems likely at this point that they are starting to pull away from the pack. To be in first even after an extremely choppy start is an excellent position, especially considering that there doesn't seem to be a real challenger among the chasing teams. And this is going to be the next phase in the season for all the leagues, the point in time where fatigue and injuries separate the wheat from the chaff, the squads who have been riding a good run of form finding goals hard to come by, the player list getting threateningly short, finding out that the backup keeper maybe isn't quite as good as everybody thought.

And this is the beauty of the format used across Europe, where you play everybody home-and-away and the season ends with the team with the most points crowned champions. For a sport such as soccer, where luck and fate (not the same thing) play so much of a role in any individual result, it doesn't make sense to have the domestic title rest upon any single result (although it must be said that it does make sense for the World Cup to do so). The system rewards consistent success and makes each game more significant.

More importantly, it creates a larger sense of continuity across the length of the season as the momentum and emotions from a single game or series of games becomes this undercurrent of feeling that affects the players and the fans alike, each team carrying with them the narrative of performance. There is no reset button of the playoffs, no rescue for a team waiting to turn it on, it's a long haul death-march towards validation, for a season can be a success without a championship, depending on the context of the team. All it can take is results against your enemies, results against teams that are "bigger" than you, results that resonate higher than the meaningless regular-season contexts of a league with playoffs, results that are the reason why Blackburn still has followers, not because they expect Rovers to win the league; instead, those fans are there because of identity, a self-assigned tribal association that strikes deeper ground than where the team finishes at the end of the year.

The Making of a Star OR Freekobe OR The Golden LeBron

2007-11-08T22:45:00.000-08:00

A recent post over at FreeDarko got me thinking about the nature of stardom and the way that an athlete can become commodified and how such commidification stands in contrast to athletic performance. The genesis of this was thinking about the global nature of sport and the intersection of two fairly indisputable facts:

1. The most popular sport, globally, is soccer.
2. The most popular athlete, globally, is Michael Jordan.

That they are both true is anti-intuitive. Shouldn't the most popular athlete be one who participates in the most popular sport? Shouldn't the most popular athlete be someone who is actively playing? And if "no" to the latter, then shouldn't Pele stand on that column instead of Jordan?

The answer is that Jordan is the most popular athlete of all time, barring no national boundaries, because he was the first athlete to realize the potential of personal marketing*. Boosted by Nike, Jordan is/was everywhere, a benign figure who was very very good, won championships and sold a lot of shoes at a time when media was truly blossoming in a global sense. By being the first iconic figure to take that instantaneous global access and to turn into a marketing empire, Jordan indelibly stamped his now-unforgettable silhouette on the plaque of World's Most Important Superstar.

Except, how much do people, in the global sense, actually know about Jordan in the context of basketball? Of course, NBA fans will be able to tell you. However, will that kid wearing a Jordan shirt in Guatemala be able to tell you who Jordan beat to win those Championships, how much he averaged as a rookie or what position he played? (To be fair, how many American soccer fans could tell you similar facts regarding Pele?)

The answer being, of course not. And this doesn't really represent a problem so much for Jordan so much as it does for those who come after him. By creating a figure that's larger than sport, Jordan created a situation where star players are not only competing on the court, they are also competing with the concept of historical status, attempting to be the gods that throw over the titans, only it's another cosomology entirely and Jordan is YHWH-23, looking down on creations made in his own image and smiling that smirk that says "I've won, and there's nothing you can do about it".

The two figures that immediately come to mind, largely because of their so-far parallels with Icarus (throw that cosmology into reverse), are Kobe and LeBron.

Kobe, more than possibly any other NBA player, appears to be consumed with the problem of perception. His persona, as examined earlier in this blog, seems to be centered around the concept of controlling his public persona and therefore, controlling his reception from fans. He doesn't seem to realize that Jordan controlled his image through extreme restriction of access, in much the same way that Shaq has done more recently**, by reducing himself to a smiling, largely detail-less figure. Kobe is both too open and too dissembling, putting out enough of himself to create a complex persona and also too-obviously putting on an act for the cameras, creating a fascinating figure that is also extremely difficult to market outside of "he's very good at basketball".

And that seems to be the best way to describe the New Boss, LeBron James, defined by his seemingly-omniscient excellence at the sport. Like Jordan, LeBron has restricted access to whatever's real with him, creating a media image from an extremely early point in his career. An image that is (as has been gone over again previously here) defined not by what he has done; rather, it's about what he will have done, to the point that nobody feels particularly presumptous talking about multiple titles and multiple MVPs. They are, after all, his birthright. Horribly, it makes his astounding ability boring. It's too easy to be visceral and too preordained to be suspenseful. The only way his career could be staggering is if he fails somehow to reach the peaks that we all assume that he must.

Ultimately the game, their games, are obscured because they can never match up to the manufactured majesty of the Alpha and the Omega of sports marketing***. It's impossible for them, simply because He Has Become Before and now that we know that it can be done, there's no way that it can happen again.

* - This is almost assuredly untrue and should instead read "because he was the first athlete to realize the potential of personal marketing and have a mega-millions clothing company willing to throw all of their resources behind you and have enough personal high-profile success to make it seem like more of a coronation than an advertising campaign"; however, that isn't nearly as snappy.

** - Although in comparison, Shaq shows much more of a personality than Jordan, possibly because he actually has a sense of humor.

*** - And it should go without saying that to "fans of the game", their games will still burn bright, as will Chris Paul's as will the fact that John Salmons is leading the Kings in several statistical categories, alas poor Kobe/LeBron, they are playing a bigger game than basketball itself and I do think sometimes that they know that they can't win.

MFF Flips Off the NBA Season...

2007-10-30T09:25:00.000-07:00

Sadly, this year, we're doing it Odenless...
Eastern Conference...
Oh man, where do I start with these guys. Hey, everyone, just FYI, they are still the East, and Garnett and Ray Allen don't change the whole scene too much. Boston, I'm sorry, but you'll be better, just not Championship better. Two over-the-hill superstars joining a third over-the-hill superstar does not an all-star team make. Keep in mind, your starting center is still Kendrick Perkins, or that guy who paints his nails black. But, at least they are a Boston sports franchise that's likeable, and would be more so without Danny Ainge - just saying.

Of course, the East will be pretty darn competitive, even if they are competing over the title of "king of the weiners." The Raptors are going to surprise more than a few teams and end up in the top half of the conference. The Heat are steadily on their way down, and with Ricky "Own Rebound" Davis on board a two-move and one-shouldered Dwyane "I can't spell my name" Wade and Shaquille "I can, sorta" O'Neal, they will be one fun ship to watch sink.

Atlanta is an up-and-comer, but won't fill the seats, even with immediate impact rookies adding to the dynamite man Joe "MFing" Johnson. The Bulls are good - don't forget them - and Tyrus Thomas will get a paycheck and put up some highlights, while the nuts and bolts guys get the rest of it done. And Joakim will still be as ugly as his jumper (I think he automatically wins ugliest jump shot in the NBA). Charlotte will be better, but I will miss 'Stache and "Burrito Wagon" Sean May. Washington still has their players, but still no one in the front court - so expect them to go as far as, oh say, the first round. The Knicks are marginally better, if only because Zach Randolph > Steve Francis, and David Lee is pound-for-pound the best rebounder in the East.

The Magic - well, they got Rashard Lewis. How much better does that make them? Only so far as Dwight continues to dominate the Eastern paint - which he will continue to do. Cleveland is still a factor, but unless my boy Gibson keeps up his playoff sidekick role to LeBron, they will always be known as an also-ran.

Three are other teams in the East, but they aren't worth mentioning.

Western Conference...
Yay! The one with eleven viable teams playing for eight playoff spots. This is not going to be easy.

The Southwest conference could put all their teams int he playoffs, if only because they possibly the three best teams in the conference. Luis Scola and the Rockets (even IF they have Francis) are going to by explosive - if McGrady's knee doesn't explode first. The Spurs are always gonna be good, and still play that boring brand of Popo-ball that makes me want to retch. The Mavericks, well, they still have Dirk - and he's still surrounded by a bunch of players I hate, which means they will do everything to piss me off. The Hornets are good, because they have Christopher Paul and the weirdest collection of players ever. Oh, and Peja is there. I think. Okay, Memphis played worse than their talent last year (and the Draft Lottery proved it!), add to that Navarro and Conley (in addition to a healthy Lowry) with up-and-comer Kinsey and that is going to be a fun team to watch. Iavaroni as their coach is going to bring them a Phoenix-like following.

The Pacific will be competitive - for the second place teams anyways. Phoenix owns this division, and Grant Hill adding injury-prone firepower to the second string is going to keep their scoring up. The Warriors will be fun to watch (and root for) again, and Bellinelli will be just the type of player I love - unbelivably hot-headed and egotistical with a money jumpshot (best in the draft with Mo Almond). Lakers suck - we'll see if Kobe lasts the season. Kings, bleh. Oh, and the Clippers - the darkhorse - because it all depends on what that team wants to be - right now, it's losers.

Ah, the Northwest - home of mine. Utah will continue to be good, whether they find a Kirilenko deal or not. Deron Williams is about to be a superstar on par with Jason Kidd - but with a jumpshot. Denver will also make the playoffs, but still need to figure out to play with two balls. Marcus Camby, if he's healthy for the entire season, will be the defensive player of the year. Seattle will be rebuilding, but will be awfully fun to watch. Minnesota, not as fun to watch, and they'll probably win about twenty games, and inevitably Kevin McHale will be fired (probably before the New Year's ball drops). And, last and certainly not least, Portland. Oh, what joy. No Oden, but that's okay. LaMarcus would win (if there were such an award) "Sophomore of the Year" and Brandon will keep himself up. Everyone is much more gelled this year, and it'll be exciting, and P-Town fans should be excited about finishing third in the division and getting another lottery pick to add to Rudy and Oden next year.

Those End-of-Season Dealies...

All-Rookie Team
PG – Acie Law (Hawks)
SG – Marco Bellinelli (Warriors)
SF – Kevin Durant (Supersonics)
PF – Al Horford (Hawks)
C – Sean Williams (Nets)

Okay, so Mr. Williams is a stretch – but so is any of the other Nets’ “big” men becoming a reliable post player. Also, it should be noted, that eventual injuries to both Davis and Ellis will free up some time for the Italian Hot Head (I’m thinking Pancetta is a good nickname for him – to go along with my trend of naming Italian players after cold cuts).

All-NBA Team
PG – Chris Paul (Hornets)
SG – Kobe Bryant (Lakers, Mavericks, Bulls)
SF – LeBron James (Cavaliers)
PF – Dirk Nowitzki (Mavericks)
C – Tim Duncan (Spurs)

Sorry, a little slow on the surprises here – but that’s what the NBA brings – little surprises. My little surprise here is Mr. Paul, who would score the biggest coup in NBA history by overthrowing perennial All-First Teamer Stevie Nash. Gilbert (aka Agent Zero) could be here too, but he’s a videogame turncoat – and that doesn’t make me want to be on your side – maybe he should change his nickname to “Agent Buncha Zeroes.”

Here’s the fun part, the actual awards and not theoretical teams that would be “tough” to beat. I am still trying to understand what sort of pride these players take in being mentioned in a team – because obviously they are not in the NBA to be part of a team.

Rookie of the Year: Kev the Wunderkind. I mean, uh, Kevin Durant out of that (for now) Northwest powderpuff Seattle Supersonics. It’s no gimme by any stretch, but he’s as explosive as it comes and has all the tools to build on this season. Also, he’s a Longhorn pseudo-alum and that makes you aces in my book.

Most Improved Player: Joel “The Przydent” Przybilla. He’s coming back in a strong way, Blazer fans. And as a Blazer fan, I would like to go ahead and squelch the rumor that this is a biased homer pick. It’s absolute truth. But, seriously, this is gonna be a good year for the 10. And, if I just jinxed him to all hell – well, we’ll have Oden next year.

Most Valuable Player: Chrysler LeBaron James (Speaking of MVP, it’s a shame they didn’t make a basketball iteration of that loveable chimp movie series – thought up here first, Hollywood!). This seems like it should be his year to win it. And he will accept the award with the same indifference and boring way that he earned it.

So there you have it, another season in the books before it begins (because you can take these predictions to the BANK!)…

Oh, also, Spurs win over the Bulls (and the long trend continues - the league still hates Phoenix).

The Adventures of Greggy and Kev the Wunderkind

2007-10-29T09:00:00.000-07:00

Volume 1, Issue 2...

Till next time,
Rosco.

'Fair' Competition OR Economics in Sports, Part One

2007-08-17T16:52:00.000-07:00

Recently two English publications have been spending some time investigating the matters of money and sport and how competition on the field is contrasted against competition at the coffers. The first, When Saturday Comes, is a fanzine that's grown into a magazine, with a concentration on paying attention to the smaller clubs in Britain instead of turning into all-Premier-League-all-the-time, as many English publications have. The second is The Economist, a British journal that has a basis in economics, although articles cover a wide range of subjects, with an emphasis on a free-market philosophy.

Both publications have noted that it is odd that America, which tends to a free-market approach, has highly socialist and collectivist sports leagues (the most obvious being the NFL), while in England, which traditionally tends toward socialism, the EPL definitely leans towards a free-market approach (although not nearly as much as in other European soccer leagues, as we will get into later). Both of these approaches are reflected in the competitive nature of the the leagues.

The modern NFL, where the salary cap and shared revenues ensure that no one team or group of teams maintains a permanent advantage over the others, is defined by parity, with no team dominating the league (in theory) and where any team can have a reasonable expectation of success in the short- to medium-term without having something miraculous occurring.

In direct contrast, the EPL is dominated by a group of 4 clubs, and even that may be generous considering that Liverpool has gone an extended period of time without winning the league. These clubs maintain their dominance because financial rewards, both in terms of prize money and more importantly, in the form of television contracts and merchandising, mean that the rich are those who have the greatest earning potential and joining the ranks of the rich is possible only through a massive cash investment, approximate to a deus ex machina.

Of course, both publications have reached conclusions that their preferred way of thinking is obviously the correct one, with WSC looking wistfully at the number of different NFL champions over the last 10 years while The Economist asserts that the Premiership is as popular as it is precisely because a small handful of teams, free of administrative controls, can go forward with creating super-teams.

Both of these arguments have their own pitfalls. The Economist claims that the NBA has "lost its shine" since Michael Jordan's dominating Bulls teams left the landscape, which has more to do with the nature of stardom and the state of the game in terms of strategy and rules in the late 90s than it does with the lack of a truly dominant team, especially considering the success of the Shaq/Kobe Lakers (not to mention that the NBA's periods of high success, including during Jordan's dominance, were post-salary cap); while WSC believes that fan interest in the EPL is, to a certain extent, driven by dreaming by Tottenham/Newcastle fans as well as the fleeting interest of fans whose teams have been promoted, which seems to be a bit too eager to downplay the impact of the uber-successful teams and their large amount of fans, both ticket-buying and otherwise.

The most galling aspect of this is, that for myself, my initial inclinations are to agree with WSC -- open financial competition has seemed to kill off competition on the field, with all domestic prizes inevitably falling to one of the big teams, while as a 49ers fan, I know that a couple years of shrewd maneuvering could bring the team back to the Super Bowl relatively easily, regardless of tepid performances in previous years. And that being said, it is the EPL that is far more fascinating to me as a fan, to the point where I posted on this blog an article last year decrying the parity of the NFL, where the rules intended to spread the wealth have created a league of mediocrity, where excellence is confined to the front office and the best teams are those that merely fail to lose. My viewing habits also support this, as I watched more EPL games over the opening weekend than the total number of NFL games I watched during the previous season (which also serves to highlight that I have more options for watching games from a league not even in my country than I do with NFL games, courtesy of the league monopoly with DirectTV).

If asked to choose between the systems, it becomes clear that the situation is not that simple. There are pros and cons to each methodology. Although any NFL team can become a contender, they have lost their sense of personality. With millions behind them, the great managers of Europe can build teams that fit their philosophy, allowing teams to retain a visible and notable style of play that extends to the teams outside of the elite.

It seems that an increasing response, at least among vocal sports fans, is "neither". While both systems have their strengths and weaknesses, neither of them is particularly forgiving to the fan. Both the EPL and the NFL have become dominated by the rich fan, the tourist or the corporate interest, the prototypical beer-swilling working-class fans of the earlier years of the sport having been priced-out by ticket and concession prices (especially in terms of taking kids to games), creating an atmosphere decried both by ESPN-haters in the US and by football lovers in the UK, including Roy Keane's famous dismissal of the new "prawn-sandwich brigade" fans attending Manchester United matches.

One area that crucially is different between the two countries is how the creation of new teams is treated. When Manchester United was bought by the Glazers, Americans who also own the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, a group of Manchester United fans got together in protest, which eventually turned into fan groups pooling money and starting a new team, Football Club United of Mancester, or FCUM for short. They've already made it to the Premier League, even if it's the Unibond Northern Premier League, Division One North, a full 7 levels of football below Manchester United.

Compare this to the NFL, which has no lower divisions and if one wanted to start a new team, say in Los Angeles, you would need approval of the League's commissioner as well as the Board of Directors, as well as a metric fuckton of money, as well as a possible stadium location, etc. As a communalist system, the NFL works on stringently controlling all aspects of the sport, especially the economic ones, making it extremely difficult for newcomers to break into the game.

The fact that both the Manchester United supporters who left to support FCUM, as well as the Wimbledon supporters who started AFC Wimbledon after the original Wimbledon FC was moved to Milton Keynes, is a strong argument for the viability of the more entrepreneurial sporting system in the UK, even if the financial maneuverings at the top of that system are regarded as the catalyst for these groups of supporters having to"take back" their teams.

At the same time, the system as set up in England creates a situation where, like other businesses, a club can fail to the point of disappearing. Leeds United have always been one of the larger clubs and in 2001 they were one of the pretenders to the throne, even appearing in the Champion's League semi-finals. Today, they've been relegated to the third division of English football, complete with a 15 point deduction to start the season thanks to shaky financial dealings which at one point threatened the club with liquidation. Smaller clubs are continually having to deal with what's called "asset stripping" as owners take over the club with the main intention of leveraging the club's property as real estate, often leaving clubs with nowhere to play.

I'm left wondering if there isn't a sweet spot in the middle ground, possibly along the lines of the NBA's soft cap and luxury tax, some way to allow the big clubs to spend money if they want while allowing smaller clubs to maintain a certain level of competitive edge, creating leagues with discernible styles for their different teams and some financial oversight on teams that might otherwise be run into the ground. There's no way to bring back the past; however, that doesn't mean that future disasters are in any way inevitable.

Rosco's Lotto Fever - version 2

2007-06-26T16:31:00.000-07:00

Oh. My. God. The Draft is like totally almost here. And yes, despite my hate last year on Isiah and the Knicks - they actually proved me wrong - did slightly better than expected and didn't rig the draft. In fact, my Portland Trailblazers (and apparently a lot of people's Portland Trailblazers - which was a surprise to me - it seems like there are a FEW more Blazer fans out there post Lottery Draft) have the first pick. I can't tell you how elated I was that day - or any day since - let's just say more than one pair of undershorts have been soiled.

But, let's get on with the mock lotto draft action - because, well, because if you have a website, you are required to do an NBA mock draft - it's written somewhere. Most will be way wrong - but I plan on being the wrongest.

1. Portland Trailblazers - Greg Oden (C Ohio State)
Holy crap, do I want to write Kevin Durant in there soooo much.... But, I'll be unbelievably happy to have a charismatic guy like Oden. He was pretty much a force against all those not-so-great doughy white guys in the Big Ten - and the in the tournament, he wasn't too shabby either. I'll be alright with him putting up 18 and 12 a night. But, for the love of God, can we get someone exciting to watch...like -

2. Seattle Supersonics - Kevin Durant (SF Texas)
- Yeah - a stud, no doubt about it. This guy is pre-packaged goodness (like a mint condition 1982 Snake Eyes with Uzi still in his box). What I wouldn't give for the second pick in the draft - Effin' Sonics. This guy did stuff on the court I had never seen anyone ever do - and the second time he made that Acie Law shut up!

3. Atlanta Hawks - Yi Jianlan (SF/PF China)
Okay, this one I am picking based on the pick - not necessarily Atlanta - because if Atlanta had it's way it'd probably screw this pick up something awful. But it's not really their fault - who should you take at #3 where there isn't someone just as good? But still, Atlanta = not good.

4. Memphis Grizzlies - Mike Conley (PG Ohio State)
Yep. I said it - Damon Stoudamire not good enough. Oh, and they totally DIDN'T tank, no, they just didn't have the talent, that's all - karma had nothing to do with them losing the lottery. Nope. Not a bit.

5. Boston Celtics - Al Horford (PF Florida)
Why when they have Al Jefferson? Because Danny Ainge is not a good GM - not at all. You know that everyone in the front office told him, "Don't talk to Kevin Durant, don't - STOP! Oh God!" Also, not karma - nope.

6. Milwaukee Bucks - Joakim Noah (PF/C Florida)
Well, Bucks, you should probably get some backup help for Bogut and Villenueva, since they were all injured and all. I mean, you wouldn't put them on the injured list just to better your odds at the draft lottery, would you? That's what I thought - get the insurance in Noah - he won'y break in two once he matches up against Dwight Howard at all.

7. Minnesota Timberwolves - Jeff Green (Sf/PF Georgetown)
What is this? The worst GM awards? Go with a safe pick McHale. You and your 80s Celtics teammates are stinking up the front offices. Safe. Solid. Pick.

8. Charlotte Bobcats - Brandan Wright (PF North Carolina)
Why not? What the hell do you guys need? All your starters are under 26 and are, well, decent, if not unspectacular. Take the guy before he becomes a steal before someone else.

9. Chicago Bulls - Corey Brewer (SF Florida)
No needs? No problem. Take the best guy still available - that's mini-fro Brewer. Sure the Augmon comparisons abound - but that's not a bad thing. Plus Brewer is biodegradable - more earth friendly than plastic - so the environuts should be all over him.

10. Sacramento Kings - Spencer Hawes (C Washington)
Oh man, this franchise is a sinking ship. Everyone jump off now - not so fast, Mike Bibby. Why not take the next Dollar Store version of Brad Miller, especially since about now Brad Miller is the Dime Store version of Brad Miller.

11. Atlanta Hawks - Acie Law (PG Texas A&M)
You told Kevin to shut up in game one. I respect that. But, I also hate you. But, secretly like you. Go git 'em, Acie.

12. Philadelphia 76ers - Al Thornton (SF/PF Florida State)
What's better than one uber-athletic small forward that can jump out of the gym and wow the crowd with dunking hijinks? Two of 'em. But, expect Dalembert, Miller, and Korver to be gone - only so that the 76ers can secede from the NBA and become the basketball version of Cirque de Soleil.

13. New Orleans Hornets - Thaddeus Young (SF Georgia Tech)
Nice upside on this kid. And well, let's face it, Desmond Mason isn't doing much with his all-gold contract - so might as well find a replacement - someone that Chris Paul can pass to with a little confidence.

14. Los Angeles Clippers - Julian Wright (SF Kansas)
All this means is: Pack your things, Corey!

Okay, well there you go, I am going to be completely wrong - but that's fine, because it's going to be a good one. Oh, and you Portland fans out there (and you newly adopted fans) make sure you watch the whole shebang - because if you're not expecting anything between #1 and number #37, you're going to miss out...

The Adventures of Greggy and Kev the Wunderkind

2007-06-17T10:05:00.000-07:00

Volume 1, Issue 1...
Till next time,
Rosco

2008 Olympic USA Basketball Cut-List

2007-05-17T05:06:00.000-07:00

Or...

Why we SHOULDN'T send Bruce Bowen to the 2008 Beijing Olympics...

This has "International Incident" written all over it.

Revival

2007-05-15T22:38:00.000-07:00

I feel compelled to bracket the latest Warriors season with two posts; my first was, I still believe, indicative of the general viewpoint of the Warriors fan: attachment married with cynicism and a decently-developed sense of black humor. I would also like to point out that way back when, I mentioned that free throws were our particular bogeyman, a point that is still relevant in the way that the bile still sticks to the back of my throat after Air France failed at the (Maginot) line in Game 2.

That said, I would have to say that the end bracket, this post, finds a far different Warriors fan, despite the booting from the playoffs. Not only because the W's made the playoffs for the first time in forever, not because they pulled off possibly the greatest upset in the history of the league; no, the giddiness comes, or should come, from a realization that THEY AIN'T ALL THAT.

In other words, regardless of the flaws of the current team (free throws, general late-game basketball, lack of low-post scoring), it should be obvious to the players and the fans that the playoffs aren't this hallowed thing that we might have built them up to be, that there are fundamentally crappy teams in this thing and that it's not unrealistic to expect to be there, especially when you've got people on your team who are good at playing basketball.

The "We Believe" campaign, which took a hold deep enough that bootleg shirts and jerseys were being hawked on corners off of freeway off-ramps for miles around The Town itself, was, or should have been, less based on the belief of the Warriors to win in this posteason and more based on the idea that the belief that we are destined for damnation is shattered. I'm not going to say that it's like Lazarus, because we were never dead, just sleeping.

Jacque Vaughn Sighting!

2007-05-06T17:40:00.000-07:00

I can hardly believe my eyes...

"I wish I was French."

Manchester United - AC Milan CL Full-time Report

2007-04-24T13:40:00.000-07:00

Momentum is such a powerful force in sports. It's something that all the audience can feel, the shift of some sort of metaphysical weight in one direction or another, the inevitiable becoming the impossible, sometimes gradually, sometimes suddenly and sometimes coming from out of left field, something that you wouldn't think change everything; and then it does.

For this game, the momentum shift was the removal of Maldini and Gattuso from the pitch. The former turned out to be the catalyst for Milan's defensive poise. With him gone, the ineffability of the Italian defense turned into a Rossini farce, the smart play of the first half gone, replaced by desperation lunges and sprayed clearances. Without Gattuso, the Italian Terrier, Manchester United had a new-found ability to hold onto the ball, to push, prod and pull the strings of the now-aimless Milan back four.

It was if the cagey veteran had pulled a muscle in his shoulder, his defense suddenly sagging, all he could do was try and counter-punch and hang on while the aggressive younger fighter rained down blows from all directions, changing his point of attack, urged on by a massive crowd eager for blood. In the end, it looked like the veteran had survived, had managed to retain his advantage despite taking a battering. Then an innocent slip, a dip of the shoulder and he was on his back, seconds before the bell.

Really, Milan are in a much better position than a defeated prizefighter. Two away goals is pretty massive in the home-and-away format of the Champions League. On the other hand, they had the momentum and lost it, allowing Manchester United to turn a certain defeat into a last-second victory and now the onus is on Milan to get a goal at home. I predict, Ancelotti being the crafty fox that he is, that Milan will not pull a United and steam forward at the San Siro. Instead, I expect them to sit back, to try and sneak a goal for the first 70 minutes or so, then, if the game is still even, then they will try and go for the throat. It's a good strategy when your team has the Kakas and the Ambrosinis (watch for him in the box late in the game); it's also probably necessary in order to keep this dangerous Manchester United team at a safe distance, to jab and jab and jab and hope.

Manchester United - Milan CL Halftime Report

2007-04-24T12:22:00.000-07:00

It's hard to avoid the heavyweight boxing metaphor when it comes to a clash of the sporting titans. Boxing is the reduction of high-level conflict and as such, it lends itself perfectly as a way to recast the actions of a less bloody sport.

The word for this first half is definitely 'naiveity'. Manchester United, boasting some of the great young stars in world football, is the more athletic, attacking side, the young buck, bursting with speed and muscles, the puncher. Milan is the cagey old vet, boasting an Old Testament central defense and a host of players who have done this all so many times.

Unwisely, Manchester United has spent the game racing at the Milan goal, not caring about holding onto possession or slowing the pace of the game. As a result, they have one scrappy goal from a corner kick, a number of promising moves and have also conceded two brilliant goals to Milan's youngster, Kaka', the Protestant Christian who talks to God after every goal. The first was a physical goal, Kaka' taking a long touch and then almost teleporting to it, leaving two defenders in his wake, then placing a perfect ball into the far-post side-netting. The second was magic, the Brazilian turning a 1-on-3 into just him and the goalie, putting a perfect finish into the corner of the net as he left Red Devils twisting on the ground.

The Milan umbrella of players across the back of the midfield has worked perfectly, unbalancing the Manchester United attackers just enough for Nesta and Maldini to snuff out attacking runs while providing ample possession. The formation of Seedorf, Ambrosini, Pirlo and Gattuso is similar to what we've seen from Chelsea this year, with four central midfielders, 3 of them sitting deep, controlling the middle of the field and relying on the fullbacks to move up and provide width, with midfielders staying back to clog up the lanes when they do. With Kaka' playing as a media-punta and Gilardino isolated up top, the Italians are set up to take advantage of breaks in the defense, breaks that going to come when you're playing John O'Shea and Wes Brown in defense and you aren't taking pains to protect them.

Although the game is far from over, it's hard not to feel that Man U's naive approach has doomed them against a team that's on its ascendancy as the season draws to a close (their league position relative to Roma simply isn't relevant because it was their poor start that cost them positions in the Italian table) and who definitely know how to pull the old rope-a-dope.

Turn that Shit Down

2007-03-30T14:50:00.000-07:00

I've heard, from what I would consider to be a very reliable source, that a new edict has come down from David Stern. This particular "request", in the Mafia sense, is that those companies who are making NBA-licensed videogames make a move towards soundtracks with more musical "diversity".

Which basically means "put something else in your games aside from that rap music", to the tune of having 70%-80% of your soundtrack be explicitly something else. There hasn't been any word as to how soul and R&B are classified under this system, or whether hip-hop will be separated from the rest of the soundtrack, to be played mono in a system that allows them to retain their dignity, while keeping them from unsettling potential listeners.

This is just a further step down the road that Mr. Stern has been herding the NBA towards for the last couple years. He's trying to make the league more palatable to the people who are the main consumers of the NBA, who also happen to be middle-aged white men (or at least the popular perception goes). He hired one of Bush's old campaign advisors from Rove's happy family and next thing you know, it's crackdowns on retro jerseys and videogame soundtracks.

These decisions are especially conspicuous because the NBA is the most race-concious of any of the major sports because of the cultural differences between the majority that play the sport and the majority that consume it. Recent and subtle examples can be taken from the previously-covered-here trade between Indiana and Golden State, where Indiana fans lauded the exchange because they were losing "thugs" and "snapperheads" to gain "more fundamental" players with "high basketball I.Q.s". (The latter being the major sign that there was something else going on here, since if somebody's seen Lil' Duns play and thinks he's a "smart" basketball player, I'm going to want to check the lead levels of your drinking water.)

The decision to regulate NBA-related soundtracks makes even less sense than many of the previous ones made by the commish because it's not like the success of rap and hip-hop is constrained to the young black male demographic. While middle-aged white men are buying the good tickets for NBA games, this doesn't match with the people who play videogames, especially sports-based videogames, not to mention rap music. So, considering that fans of both sports videogames and rap music tend not to answer to a single demographic*, handing down orders from on high about diversifying the soundtracks comes across more as a part of a bigoted agenda than as a logical business decision. It's patently obvious that Dad Rock isn't going to make more games sell, so why else would the decision be made?

I don't think that David Stern is racist. I do think that he has embraced the generification of the NBA to the point where he's squeezing the individuality out of the league and creating a situation where he could legitimately be critiqued as somebody who wants to surpress "hip-hop" culture. Maybe he doesn't think that's a particularly bad thing, as long as the league continues to do well. I don't begrudge the NBA success; I'd just like to see it doing well without pushing people away in the process.

* - Videogames and rap are, after all, enjoyed by young white males, young asian males, young black males and young latino males.

Luol Deng: Telekinetic Master

2007-03-28T18:28:00.000-07:00

"Hey, Dickau! Quit hittin' yourself. Quit hittin' yourself."

Never Saw THIS on "Hang Time"

2007-03-16T19:46:00.000-07:00

Straight P-I-M-P-I-N-G.

"It's hard to lose looking THIS GOOD!"

It's About Time

2007-03-15T22:31:00.000-07:00

I couldn't let this story pass without comment.

Truly, I had wondered about Phil Jackson. For all his wisdom and insight, how could he be missing what all of us can see plainly? Was it a case of his own intellect clouding his own vision? Was he truly too close to what he was seeing to be able to comprehend the totality of it?

Thankfully, that answer is no.
Jackson has finally come around, gone to the press and said what everybody's been thinking all this time. Especially Shaq.

Perhaps seeing his own coach, his mentor, call him out in the ESPN.com headlines will trigger something inside Kobe, to make him question his ways and to turn a corner, to become the player, to become the man, that we all hope that he could be. What a difference it would make for the Lakers. What a difference it would make for the Association. What a difference it would make for himself!

I mean, just knowing that P-Jax finally called him out for being a whiny little...oh. Oh. Oh wait. Ohhhhhhhh, it says "witch-hunt".

Never mind.

A Middle Foam Finger Salute to the NCAA Tournament

2007-03-14T08:30:00.000-07:00

Thankgodthankgodthankgodthankgod... It's here. It's FINALLY here. Yep, folks, we are but ticks away from the (real) NCAA Tournament (congratulations, Niagara, you pikers)!

Let me tell you, this is MY favorite sports time of the year (not to be confused with my favorite arts time of the year, my favorite gourmet time of the year, or my favorite stuffed sandwich time of the year).

Also, let me get this off my chest before I explode with glee - my bracket sucks.

So, for that reason, you aren't going to find any of my upset picks in here (wait, did I pick any upsets?). Nor will you find my thoughts on who will take it all (cough, south, cough).

What I will give you is a tournament watcher's guide - Rosco-style (covered in brown mustard). And that way, I can just rant about any old thing and it might, to the undiscerning eye, look like science.

I can't wait for Thursday, because this year, seemingly more than the last, seems so close and so teeter-tottery that expecting winners in any matchup is not a good idea (except for Niagara - have fun on the flight home, Purple Eagles). But, a few teams to watch out for, if not only for the reason that they are just plain, old, fun to watch -

In the Midwest

Number 3: Oregon
I know, it's a bit of a homer pick, but watch out for my Ducks. Their starting lineup, albeit skewed to the guard, is pretty formidable. And I know, they are a number 3 seed, which shouldn't make anyone think they are a pushover - but they are able to win some pretty big games, and I wouldn't count them out of a big tournament push. Bryce Taylor and Malik Hairston (pictured) are matchup problems for most, and most don't even know who they are.
Number 11: Winthrop
How can you not root for a team that's one phoneme away from being a stodgy, old British guy with a foppish manner from a Bronte novel? Yeah, that's right, I thought you had a heart. Their only losses were to UNC, Wisconsin, Texas A&M, and Maryland. Noooooot bad. You looking for a lower seed that could make some noise in the bracket? Look no further than Winthrop. Potentially.

In the West

Number 16: Niagara
Nah, forget about it, these guys are toast.

Number #9: Villanova
Alright, I'm a 'Nova fan with no real right to it, but I can't help it. I would watch out for these boys, they are well coached, and have some great senior leadership and some tourney experience - they may turn some heads.

Number 5: Virginia Tech
I know, I know, this isn't football, but the Hokies are playing the old charm game with Rosco, let me tell you. They finally got over the hump and were able to beat Duke at Cameron (which they were millimeters away from last year). That could mean that all the cards are in place for VaTech this year to make some noise, you know on the basketball court, because, well, they also play basketball now.

In the East

Number 3: Washington State
Gotta like what the Cougars do. They are great "game managers" and find little ways to win - in the tournament that usually equals advancement. With that and their cautiously good backcourt, don't be surprised if that OTHER Washington state school get into the nicknamed rounds.

In the South

Number 3: Texas A&M
As a Longhorn alum, I probably should say this, but A&M is really, really, really good. With Acie "Roman Numeral" Law IV leading this top to bottom talented squad, this team has a major chance at scaring some of the team's that forgot that there was a team in College Station. But, because I am sworn in by blood to do so, I also must say - SUCK IT, Aggies!

Number 5: Tennessee
Lofton is back. 'Nuff said.

Number 7: Nevada
Don't underestimate the Wolfpack - they have some great talent, and with Fazekas stealing the limelight from Kemp and Sessions, they have some under-the-radar folks that can burn anyone on any night.

The BIG BOYS this year, however, are pretty solid. And Florida's track record and untouchable talent, they could have the tools to win it all again, BUT, they might have to go through a good Wisconsin team that, although I find them suspect, could eke their way into the championship - but, really, when I think about it, they won't.

To me, Kansas are the shakiest of the numero unos, just because of their history in the tournament. They have a boatload of NBA-caliber players, but they are young, and from my viewpoint a little inconsistent. Look for a lot of close games that might edge out in favor of the underdog. If that's not tough enough, UCLA is a number two and has the cajones to run the whole table. Not to mention they may have the ugliest player in the tournament (I realize that's a BIG statement, but come on) - Mr. Mata - so, whatever the Bruins' outcome, they have my deepest sympathies.
North Carolina is another team I am unsure what to think about. While they have a talented team and a coach that finally won one, I just am too unsure about their path to the Final Four. I realize I probably just locked them into another championship (like I did a couple years ago), but at least they will have to prove it to me. Georgetown may be the most dangerous number 2, solely based on how hot they are right now. Outside of Ohio State, they have a viable and dominant center (sorry, Pittsburgh, should have pulled out the old smelling salts on Aaron before the Big East championship) in the tourney. They shouldn't be overlooked.

Ohio State might be the strongest team out there. Sure, they play that "boring as hell" cringe-worthy Big Ten basketball - but we've all seen that leads to NCAA wins (just maybe not the greatest TV ratings). With Oden playing as fiercely as he has lately, I can't imagine an early exit for the Buckeyes. Memphis are a bit of an enigma. Maybe it's because their schedule didn't include anyone not named Powderpuff University? In any event, I can't see them making a huge splash - but if they do, great, it'd be their best competition all year.

The PLAYERS to watch come tourney time are, for me, the biggest draw to the whole shebang. In terms of FRESHMEN, you can't go wrong by watching Kevin Durant (my boy!), Greg "Gentle MuthaF'in Giant" Oden, or Thaddeus "I Put the G in G-Tech" Young. But a couple of sleeper freshmen may have the biggest impact.

Take a look at Oregon's Tajuan Porter, the Detroit import, with a Kiki Clark complex. If he's hitting his out-of-the gym range bombs, forget about it.

Also, another guard to keep a look our for Villanova's Scotty Reynolds, a dangerous marksman, who has gotten better every game.

Be wary of Gonzaga's swingman of the future, Matt Bouldin, who has only become a better, and smarter, scorer with each game he plays.

But what about some of the experienced dudes? Besides insta-names like Acie Law IV and Aaron Affalo (whose name I still love pronounced by some of the color commentators), Be on the look out for some of these folks.

Definitely pay attention to Vanderbilt's silky swingman Derrick Byars, who can light it up any night. What about A.J. Graves over at Butler? The sniper extraordinaire is gonna look for that open 30-footer anytime. Finally, look out for Jamaal Tatum in Saluki country, one of the great floor generals in the tournament.
That's just a teeny bit of the greatness you'll experience come Thursday. I could rant on, but I am trying to limit my ranting (my sponsor agrees it's the right thing to do)...

Just remember, if nothing I said works out, at least you'll enjoy watching me cry.

$20 and out.

Love and kisses,
Rosco

P.S.
If you're wondering why I didn't have anything on Texas and my boys Durant, Abrams, Augustin, Mason, James, Atchley, Winder, and ESPECIALLY Matt Hill (and his 'fro) - it's because they are so TIGHT I don't even have to mention their excellence. And, I don't want to jinx them. Hook 'em!

In Hudson's defense, he was probably drunk

2007-03-03T16:52:00.000-08:00

Today we'd like to extend a double duece of middle foam fingers to the above dipshits -- Phil Schoen and Ray Hudson of Gol TV, one of the three widely available channels to broadcast soccer in the United States. I'm not even sure where to start with these guys, who throughly stunk up today's Sevilla v. Barcelona match.

I'm really not sure what was worst -- when Ray Hudson revealed the result of the Liverpool v. Manchester United match (which after being broadcast live at 4:40 in the morning PST, was going to be rebroadcast immediately following Sevilla v. Barcelona on competing soccer channel Setanta Sports, something that was entirely conincidental, I'm sure) or when Ray and Phil spent roughly 10 minutes repeatedly praising the cross that led to Barca's opening goal, making sure to heap praise after praise onto the head of Frenchman Ludovic Giuly, who is a fine player who also happened to not be the player who had made the cross. That was Gianluca Zambrotta, a player who is a good head taller than Giuly and also doesn't happen to be wearing bright white boots with matching ankle sleeves, which I would like to attribute to a display of good taste by the Italian; however, they were probably just still in the wash.

I can understand mis-identifying a player. We've all been guilty of it. Still, if it is your job to broadcast these games and to know these players and you have the benefit of multiple slow-motion replays, I would really hope that you would avoid talking about how great this one player is roughly 20 times as it becomes increasingly obvious that the player in question was not involved in the play that you're praising, to the point where you are wondering whether he was offside or not, something that requires intense attention to detail, without noticing that you're looking at somebody else entirely.

Oh, and there was a game, I guess, featuring one of the more controversial, and by that I mean "douchebaggy", players in La Liga:

Sevilla's Dani Alves is one of the best and most infuriating players in the world. Incredibly fast, good with the ball at his feet and capable of great crosses and accurate shots, Alves is also a relentless whiner and cheater.

Every nudge is a serious injury, every call that goes against him is a injustice against humanity and what's more, he seems to relish it, consistently gesturing for cards and melodramatically screaming. In short, he's the Brazilian Frank Lampard, only he's not fat, is actually skillful and plays a different position entirely.

And like Fatty Frank, it's all the more maddening because his team tends to win, often because of what's perceived to be flukey luck or cheating. Today, for example, the second (and winning) Sevilla goal came from an Alves free kick that deflected off the head of a Barca player and behind the grasping Victor Valdes. Not done yet, Alves was then involved in the sending off of Giuly, who may have been vigorously defended by his lovers on Gol TV. I couldn't tell, having switched over to the Spanish-language audio channel at halftime, feeling that incomprehensibility is a step up from incompetence.

How Vegetable was my Coach OR England-Spain Match Report

2007-02-09T12:51:00.000-08:00

There's nothing we enjoy more here at the MFF than giving the English a hard time. The English are like the Lakers or the Yankees only on a cultural level and if neither of those teams had done anything worthwhile for half-a-century. Plus, as noted by Stuart Cosgrove in Hampden Babylon:

"Fact: England won the 1966 World Cup.
Myth: England is a good team."

That so many residents of Blighty (and non-residents, for that matter) are fully invested in the above mythology, the schadenfreude of when they inevitiably fall on their sword (not to mention their face) is particularly delicious.

This particular episode is not the tastiest dish, since it was a technically meaningless match. The fact that what is a gussied-up dress rehearsal could be handled so poorly is still worth a hearty mocking.

The first sign that things were not going to go well for England was the team selection favored by Steve McClaren. With up-and-comers like Micah Richards, Joey Barton, MFF fave "Ooh!" Scotty Parker and Gareth Barry available, McClaren opted to select the Nevilles at the fullback positions, as well as starting three similar central midfielders (Carrick, Gerrard and Lampard) plus one attacking right winger who can't get a game for his club team (Shawn Wright-Phillips). The cherry on the top of this laughable team sheet was Peter Crouch isolated as a lone striker while Kieron Dyer ran around in an undefinable role that mainly consisted of not getting the ball and stepping on SWP's feet, while out-and-out forward and Farrel-look-alike Jermain Defoe watched from the bench.

The game played out much as you would expect, with England unable to put together any sort of coherency or balance. The most satisfying sequence, which played out repeatedly, was Neville the Younger taking the ball marginally up the left side, realizing that there wasn't a single player besides himself on that side of the pitch, then cutting the ball back to his favored right foot before lumping it back to the center-backs. Tactical magic! (Second place went to: one of the center-backs lumps the ball upfield for an immediate change of possession. Third place: Frank Lampard does something stupid and then looks around for somebody to blame it on. Fourth place: Peter Crouch is called for a foul while trying to control an aimless lump upfield and acts like he just smelled Frank Lampard's play this season. As you can tell, the strategy was synergistic.)

In comparison, Spain was awful, only slightly less so. Their ineptitude was offset by the fact that they had a number of players who could actually control the ball in tight spaces, as well as David Villa, who was popping up all over the offensive third and basically giving the English back line a very hard time.

Iniesta's goal came from another blunted Spain attack (although Morientes should have iced his first-half chance) that suddenly delivered a judgement, a thunderbolt from the player known as the Palefaced Instigator (thank you Ray Hudson) that was an appropriate finger of doom for Steve McClaren, who was then forced to attempt to rectify his earlier mistakes by piling on younger and more position-appropriate players, who, truth must be told, didn't look very good themselves.

For all the talk of England having great players and a great history, they've looked downright awful ever since their famous demolition of Germany, a rudderless boat smashing up and down a London canal, the wheelman hopelessly smashed on Buckfast and the onlookers helpless to do anything except watch and maybe start following Scotland because their granny was from there and at least expectations start low.

And it couldn't look any sweeter.

Pacers Warriors trade, Take One

2007-01-17T12:17:00.000-08:00

If you hadn't realized, there's a fairly heavy Yay Area slant here on MFF. Every one of us either lives there, has lived there or will be living there in the near future (and the latter two categories pretty much apply only to Rosco, who's a bit of a globe-trotter). This means that at least two of (myself and Bop City) are Warriors fans, which in terms of self-hatred, is a little bit below self-flagellation and above eating ash.

So, this might explain that when news of the recent 8-player trade between the Warriors and Pacers was announced, I wandered around the office in a daze, muttering "That's actually a good trade." That trade being: Mike Dunleavy Jr., Troy Murphy, Ike Diogu and Keith McLeod for Al Harrington, Stephen Jackson, Sarunas Jasikevicius and Josh Powell.

Of course, it's natural for a fan of a team to talk themselves into a trade being "good". I've done a little browsing and certainly there are enough Pacer fans who think that they seriously got over on this trade.

Well, let's try and break it down. First, we'll look at the basketball side of things. From this perspective, this trade makes sense for both teams, with one possible exception. Murphy and Dunleavy were both bench players for the Warriors, and never really fit into the up-tempo running game favored by Nelson and by the team's best players. Harrington and Jackson never really fit into the specialized, role-playing half-court set favored by Carlisle. All of the major players in this deal should be more comfortable in their new roles, at the expense of making each team even more uncomfortable when taken outside of their comfort zone.

That is, the Warriors will be even more lost in a half-court set and the amount of brutally bad shots being taken will rise approximately 300%. On the other hand, the Pacers will now have two reasonable jump-shooters who can pass and get their fair share of defensive rebounds and charging calls. They'll also have a lot more trouble defending the break, defending period and getting offensive rebounds.

The exception mentioned above is Diogu. Essentially, I view this trade as something good for both teams on the court, with the Pacers essentially gambling that Diogu will pan out. There's a chance he will. Everybody was enamored with him intially, comparing him to Elton Brand, another under-sized PF with good post moves and a decent mid-range jumper. The problem so far is that Ike hasn't shown much as a rebounder, which he was supposed to be, and as a defender, where taller cats can take serious advantage of him.

If Diogu can work on his rebounding and positioning and stay healthy, this will be a win for the Pacers on the court. If he doesn't, I can't see this being any better than a wash, with both teams skewing closer to the philosophical styles derived from their coaches.

Of course, the modern sports world is dominated by finance just as much as it is by athletic performance. Let's look at the contracts involved, using the Salary Ratio from RealGM:

Lil' Duns: 32.1 million over 4 years
Murphy: 35.8 over 4 years
I Like Ike: 9.2 over 2 years
Highlander: 5.8, expiring

Harrington: 32.9 over 3 years
Chris Mills Returns: 26.4 over 3 years
Vicious: 17.3 over 1 year
Josh Powell: 3.2, expiring

In the short term, advantage goes to the Pacers, simply because the big contracts are relatively even and Vicious is getting paid far more than Ike, who's a better "piece" on top of that, plus McLeod's expiring contract is larger than Powell's. However, I'm convinced that the real reason that the Warriors made this trade is the long term. Combined, Murph + Duns is 67.9 million over the next 4 years. Jackson + Harrington is 59.3 over the next 3 years. When you're dealing with players who aren't the centerpiece of your team, Mullin seems to feel that it's better to get those players off of your cap sooner rather than later.

And that's because he's got young players to think about. Monta Ellis, Andrins Biedrins and Mickael Pitreus all have contracts that expire after this year or next year. With Matt Barnes also looking like he might be worth some cheddar, Mully has to think about how to or whether to retain these players, as they appear to be the real promise of the squad. The real key to this trade is if it allows the Warriors to hang onto Ellis and Biedrins. If it does, then this trade can be nothing but a win for the Warriors.

I'm so bored with the N.F.L.

2006-12-13T12:29:00.000-08:00

It used to be that the NFL was my sport of choice. Every Sunday I would awake jonesing for the bombastic music and snazzy computer-graphics intro of the NFL on CBS, featuring Brent Musburger and Jimmy the Greek. Although the team of choice was initially the Oakland Raiders and then the San Francisco 49ers (my father going so far as to throw away my cherished plastic Oakland Raiders helmet, as if by destroying it he could throw some sympathetic death magick at Al Davis, which would never work because dude is a necromancer himself), it was the game itself that fascinated me.

I vividly remember creating fictional leagues with teams created out of whole cloth, right down to the helmet designs and team names that would have given sociologists a giant erection (two well-known rivals: the Olmecs and the Toltecs). Later, this carried over to an infatuation with an obscure piece of software called Playmaker Football, where it was up to the player to design plays and then decide what plays would be called when through an overly-confusing control panel, resulting in games played between two different playbooks, arbitrated by a third party.

As I grew older, football and the NFL slipped further from my conciousness. I began to follow soccer as my "primary" and only occasionally attempted to give the NFL my attention, including an ill-fated attempt to introduce a friend to the concept of the Super Bowl, which of course resulted in a group of us watching the Giants play the Ravens while he asked us whether this was fun and he just wasn't getting it.

I've tried to open back to the NFL. The culmination of this was the year that I ordered the Sunday Ticket package. Each Sunday was slow torture, with me switching between game after game, each click driving me further into depression because I knew that even though the games were incredibly boring and I'd rather be watching soccer or doing something other than watching TV, I had to watch because if I didn't, I would be wasting my money.

When the league introduced rule changes in order to promote parity between all the teams, they succeeded in creating a sports league where every team is only a year or two away from possible success and where a division doormat could have legitimate designs on making the Super Bowl within the near future. They also suceeded in creating a league where because, of the nature of the new rules, caution rules. The game, in general, is no longer about dominating your opponents, about forcing your will upon them. The emphasis is no longer on winning the game; it is on playing not to lose. Damage control takes precedence over dealing damage.

The playoffs are the area that has taken the largest hit. It used to be that the playoffs were an epic landscape, where teams who could be legitimately compared to the greatest teams of times past exerted themselves in godlike struggles, planting their flag on the body of their enemy. Now, since every team is closer to all the others, the playoffs are a passive-aggressive shell of their former self, creating games that are all vaguely different distortions of that one Giants-Ravens encounter.

Competitiveness in the postseason has been sacrificed for competitiveness in the regular season and in the arena of team building. Trent Dilfer was mocked for his status as Super Bowl-winning QB; now he has the last laugh as his archetype dominates the position.

There was a discussion on Free Darko that led to a mentioning of the NBA's current trend of loss of positions, something that occured in soccer over two decades ago with the Total Football of the great Netherlands sides of the early 70s. It seems like parity has brought up a situation analogous to soccer's catenaccio, the ultra-defensive strategy championed by Helenio Herrara that dominated soccer during the 80s and early 90s. In football, where the team is split into offensive and defensive squads, it's not that the team somehow "concentrates" on the defense, it's that the emphasis on not-losing creates a situation where the defense becomes the actor and the offense the reactor, which previously only occured when a defense was extremely talented/not-yet-comprehended.

Perhaps the greatest tragedy of the new NFL is that teams are less defined by their style of play. I'm not talking about gimmick offenses or unique schemes, rather, the way that the great teams of old seemed to have a common thread defining their actions, that the Cowboys, Steelers, Raiders, Redskins, 49ers, Giants, Packers, etc. had their own aesthetic, unit-based personalities that are becoming a distant dream.

POSTSCRIPT: It would be foolhardy to make a NFL post today without noting the passing of Lamar Hunt. Aside from being probably the best thing to happen to the sport of soccer in this country, Mr. Hunt was part of the group of owners that pushed the NFL to its current success and I can only wonder what he thought of the direction the league has been taking recently. He was one of the free-thinkers of sports ownership and will be missed. RIP.

Halftime from Chelsea-Arsenal

2006-12-10T08:52:00.000-08:00

Firstly, congratulations are due to Chelsea and to their coach, Jose Mourinho, in particular. Even during Manchester United's heyday of dominating the EPL, they never reached the heights that Chelsea have achieved thus far. All you need to do is watch a single half of one of their games to realize that they have built the finest team to hate in decades, possibly since Bremner's Leeds side.

It all starts from the top. There's nothing like a manager who refers to himself as "The Special One", whose default expressions are either "smug" or "petulant" and is known for over-the-top celebrations and remonstrations, depending on which aforementioned mood is in style. Today has already had an excellent Mourinho Moment, consisting of him strutting out of the coach's box, through Wenger's box and 10 yards down the sideline so that he could yell at the ref about Ashley Cole receiving a yellow card for a tackle that was well, a yellow-card offense.

Of course, I don't know if the match official heard what The Special One had to say because he was surrounded by a scrum of Chelsea players, all bleating at the top of their lungs about perceived injustices. And really, this is the basis for Chelsea's villany. They're a bunch of whiners. They complain about everything that goes against them and even when they feel like things haven't gone good enough. The addition of Ashley Cole to a squad that already has Drogba, Lampard, Carvalho, Makalele and Ballack is a masterstroke, a move that nudges the squad further in the direction of the Whiner's Tabernacle Choir, a force to be reckoned with in the world of wheedling and generally being a complete ass.

Seriously, it's a pity that the churlishness of Chelsea takes away from what is a superlative team. Mourinho is the top tactical manager in the EPL currently, as evidenced by his move to play Essien as right wing-back to take advantage of Giggs pushing inside in the game against Man U at Old Trafford, a move that was the fulcrum of Chelsea's domination of the second half and one that Alex Ferguson never countered. Drogba, for all of his diving and gesticulations, may be the best player in the world right now, a brutal combination of skills, pace and strength. In fact, the latter is an impressive attribute across the board at Chelsea, with Arsenal thus far looking like the kid who gets sand kicked in his face in the old Charles Atlas ads.

Anyhow, got to get back to the hating. Maybe Chelsea'll bring Robben in and he can whine about losing his hair.

Champion's League 11/21 Match Report

2006-11-21T23:10:00.000-08:00

Seeing as how I did not much else yesterday other than sit on the couch and watch Champions League matches, I would be remiss in not passing along my impressions, predictions and tangents regarding the 4 matches that were televised for non-PPV in the US:

CSKA Moscow v. FC Porto
Arsenal v. Hamburger SV
Celtic FC v. Manchester United
Real Madrid v. Olympique Lyonnais

Three out of the four games started with an early goal with the interesting result of all three games turning out differently. In the early game, Porto scored a well-worked goal almost immediately after kick-off and immediately generated a hatful of other chances in a first half where they missed at least 4 excellent chances. The main reason why they were so dominant, even on the road against a team that hadn't given up a goal in the CL this year (although this is a bit of a red herring, since Arsenal really should have put at least 3 past them on the previous matchday) was down to their formation. The formation in question is a nominal 4-3-3 where the wingers are expected to track back, to the point where it often plays as a 4-5-1. This should seem familar to fans of the English game because it's pretty much how Chelsea have played under Jose Mourinho, which shouldn't be surprising because he did after move from Porto to take the West London position.

Rather than sitting back and attempting to absorb pressure, this formation has essentially two defensive fronts, the regular one and a secondary one running across the base of midfield. Both Chelsea and Porto play it extremely well, allowing the other team to advance the ball to the halfway line and then trying to snap it away, hitting hard and fast on the counter. And like Chelsea, Porto squeezed the life out of their opponents, taking CSKA and their fans completely out of the game, which quickly became an exercise in cold and drizzly frustration. Although CSKA had flashes of skill and long moments of possession, Porto always looked like the better team and were able to seal the victory in the second half, putting the pressure on

Arsenal, who were playing against the snake-bitten Hamburger SV at home; which should really be a recipe for a shellacking except that Arsenal have been somewhat snake-bitten themselves, especially at home, where they had recorded two consecutive ties in which they managed to miss some of the easiest chances to score that you'll see outside of a NYU-area bar on dollar beer night. In particular, their CL game against CK was almost unbearable to watch, with Fabregas and Rosicky somehow managing to fire wide and fire sideways into the keeper respectively when faced with completely open goals from 1 yard out. Because of that tie and the fact that Porto had won earlier in the day, Arsenal were in the sphincter-tightening position of needing to win when they were already experiencing performance anxiety.

Anxiety that was not lessened when Rafael Van Der Vaart juked two defenders at the top of the box and rocketed a shot off the underside of the crossbar with his weaker right foot just 4 minutes into the game. Hleb smacked a volley straight off the crossbar and you could feel the miasma of despair settling over the field and the stands, fans and players alike looking not quite shell-shocked, eyes wide and mouths flabby and gaping.

Even when Van Persie finally finished off a Fabregas through-ball in the 52nd minute, there was an air of desperation. Another draw at home for such a profoundly skilled team is really not much better than a loss when it puts the team in the difficult psychological position of needing a result in their final group stage game in Porto. Wenger defiantly put on both Walcott and Julio Baptista, throwing everyone forward in the now-traditionally end-of-game passion play at the Emirates.

Only this time Eboue somehow managed to slam a near-post shot through the Hamburg keeper, causing the Arsenal fans to celebrate more in amazement than in actual joy, joy that was forthcoming later when Walcott played a perfect far-post cross for Baptista to head up at the death of normal time. You get the sense that the enigmatic Walcott and The Beast (Baptista was even referred to as such when the goal was announced over the PA) will have to pay a greater role this season if Arsenal are to live up to the potential of their game.

The third game to involve an early goal was a rematch between two CL rivals, with Lyon having had the better of Real Madrid over the last two seasons. Lyon took the early lead, with John Carew providing a good finish in a game where he probably deserved more. For the entire game Carew was Lyon's pocket-battleship, operating at will in the Madrid defense and basically looking like they couldn't handle him with a stun gun and a board with a nail in it. If Juninho had lived up to his reputation as a dead-ball specialist for even a third of the free-kicks that Carew won Lyon, Madrid would have been smashed on the rocks.

As it was, they fought back after awful defending allowed Malouda to score a second to tie the game after excellent clean-ups by Diarra (head) and Van Nistlerooy (foot) and could have won the game had Van Nistlerooy's penalty been saved at the very end of the match. Since the game was mostly meaningless (both teams going through), the main thing to take away was that the result was somewhat flattering to Madrid, who have the possibility of being a very good team next year instead of the infuriating side they are now. Their problems are positional ones. Nobody knows where Raul should play. Nobody knows where Sergio Ramos will play. Nobody knows where Robinho or Reyes should play. They have exceptional players and a team-sheet that looks like a jigsaw puzzle put together with a hammer.

And finally to the only game that didn't start with a bang, Manchester United at Celtic, with a draw being acceptable to both teams even if they would prefer a win. The game certainly started out that way, with both teams content to sit back and try and figure out what the other team was doing. Once Manchester United figured out that Celtic's main strategy consisted of lumping the ball upfield in the hopes that their two plank-ish forward could bump it off their heads to someplace useful, they started to come forward and as they like to say, it was like they were playing downhill, at which point Celtic's midfield lineup of 3 central mid hard men and one slow guy became a self-fulfilling prophecy of nasty challenges and balls played to nobody.

Only they couldn't score. As much as Celtic played scared, blasting balls upfield straight to United players, the Red Devils couldn't find the final ball, instead preferring to take easily-blocked long-range shots or dribbling the ball to the end-line and then looking confused (ahem, Mr. C. Ronaldo). The most entertaining portion of the first-half was when Ronaldo went over the touch-line to take a throw-in and was mercilessly and repeatedly flicked the double-Vs by one of the wheelchair-bound folks just behind the advertising boards.

Full points to Gordon Strachan for figuring out what was going on and doing something about it in the form of taking off one of the hard men (Sno, who was the recipient of Tommy Smyth's (oh, purple horseshoes) required Horrible Pun of the Day) and one of the useless forwards (the Polish one) for another midfield hardman (albeit somewhat more attacking) and a speedy attacking mid. Although Man U still enjoyed the bulk of the possession, Celtic could actually hang onto the ball for more than 10 seconds and had a handful of decent attacks. It looked like the game was going to play out to a draw that would leave everybody satisfied and nobody happy until Man U gave up a kick about 30 yards out and the slow guy (Nakamura, who has what we like to call a sweet left foot) stroked an unbelievable shot into the exact corner of the goal, which was the cue for the Celtic fans to go nuts and the Celtic players to fight to see who could stand in front of their goal.

Cue Louis Saha botching a botched offside trap by not playing to the whistle and a late penalty for United for handball inside the area that was well-blocked by Artur Boruc (taken by Saha, because for some reason Ronaldo's well-proved track record for taking penalties isn't good enough for United) followed by a rousing rendition of "You'll Never Walk Alone" from the Celtic fans, flush with the joy of a classic footballing victory*.

Overall, it was a good day, much better than today, which was dominated by mostly-meaningless games and results that you could have safely predicted beforehand (Barcelona beating the Bulgarians, Chelsea letting Bremen win to put pressure on Barcelona).

* - Note for all you Man United fans: if you don't understand how getting played off the pitch and still winning on a stunning free-kick won from a dive isn't "a classic footballing victory", uh well, you probably live a comparatively happier life than many of us, you naive bastards.

¡Take Me Out to El Partido de Beísbol!

2006-11-19T15:47:00.000-08:00

Hey all you MFFer fans, Rosco reporting from down in Centroamerica - yes, still.

Always on the search for something sports, I took in a ballgame today - America's pastime. Apparently, that old saying doesn't mean the United States of America. Nicaragua loves its beísbol - even more than soccer - and it has a league that would compete with some of the minor league clubs back in the States.

So, I have been bumming around here in Granada, Nicaragua for the past couple weeks, and what do you know - baseball season has started (there's never an offseason for baseball fans, if you look hard enough).

We jumped on a bus and headed to Masaya (a market town fixed almost exactly between Granada and Managua) to watch a little hardball. I was root, root, rooting for the home team - Las Fieras del San Fernando ("The Wild Animals of San Fernando" - a local volcano). We got the "best seats in the house," otherwise known as "Home Plate" to the locals (which, pronounced in Spanish is oh-meh plah-teh). Six rows up from the field set us back C$50 a piece, which roughly calculated is about $2.60. Did I mention how they were the "best seats in the house?"

Las Fieras play in Estadio Roberto Clemente, an unattractive stadium from the outside, was comfortable and intimate inside, and I am pretty sure some of the Americans that play could have heard ol' gringo me - if I had decided to razz them about being cut from the Des Moines Ball Whiffers. The field itself is pleasant with well-manicured grass, that would otherwise be unspectacular without the relative conditions of so-called parks we've run across down here in El Centro. The building says to fit six grand - as only a tiny bit of the outfield sits bleachers. Our section was the most guarded, probably because of ALL the money the patrons sitting in it must rake in to afford such grandiose sums as a coupla bucks. We were also the most visited by vendors, which included - Sodas and beer, gum and toys (?), oranges, mysterious looking tortillas, and rum - the local favorite (and often called "greatest in the world") Flor de Caña. A kid, no older than seventeen, paced the aisles with his portable bar strapped to his shoulders, two types of Caña rested securely in place. He had some mixers to throw in, sitting behind the beautiful, showcase bottles - some coke and soda. Curiously, he was the only vendor not to yell out his wares.

Las Fieras are unique team to an already unique league. They are the only team in Nicaragua to be made up of ONLY Nicaraguans - not a single extranjero. I guess, in a sense, that really makes them Nicaragua's team (To note: I still don't count any "American teams" as such - stupid Cowboys).

The league is a bit strange as it only has four teams, as opposed to Major League Baseball's sixty-seven. Right? Isn't that what they are up to? Teams play one season and disappear the next. Last year's champions, third, and fourth place teams - Los Indígenas Matagalpa, Los Tiburones de Granada, and the Estelí No-Nicknames (respectively) - are nowhere to be found this season. Only Los Indios de Boér (Managua's home club) remain.

Much of this whole Liga Nicaragüense de Beísbol Profesional is lost in translation for me - I have no clue if they operate on a mini-soccer relegation/promotion dealie - or whether teams just like the time off. Four teams battle it out for fifty-four games before entering the playoffs, where (from what I can gather, although it's a bit convoluted) the top two teams qualify for the Serie Final (a seven-game series) to decide the Campeón de Nicaragua.

This seems to be the first year they are attempting the seven-game series. Last year, it seemed like all four teams qualified for the playoffs, and two rounds of games were played. The first round had two games (known as - no joke - the "nocauts"), where the matchups lasted for two games and the cumulitive score determines the outcome. The Serie Final was a one-game series.

Well, I guess Nicaraguans DO like soccer.

DATELINE: Masaya, Granada. Las Fieras surely take advantage of their San Fernando name (emphasis on the S and F), because they have completely co-opted the look of the San Francisco Giants (they play in some league in the U.S.). The logo - the merged SF - their colors - orange and black - and their uniforms - white with suspiciously similar fonts of black numbers, outlined in orange with no names - in fact, they more than co-opted the Giants, they flat ripped them off. Estadio Roberto Clemente seems to try the old "one-two, please don't sue" with their harmless "ode" to AT&T Park (aka SBC, Giant Stadium, Loserdome, etc.) with a bottle of Victoria Lite (a local "lite" beer) towering over the outfield, rather than coke bottle a la San Francisco.

The outfield is lined with "rah, rah" posters, such as the one that read: "Ah! Ah! Ah! Los Campeonatos son las Fieras." Emblazoned on this poster is what I suppose is their mascot - one of the titular "wild animals." It looked to me like a rabid sea otter.

Today, the Leones de León (yes, translated that means the Lion Lions) came to town. If Las Fieras channel the San Francisco Giants, well, then Los Leones channel the Oakland Athletics (I felt like I was back in the Bay Area...sigh). Their colors (surprise, surprise) are green and gold. Their uniforms (although they threw some gray in there to keep the copywright bastards at bay) are knitted with a cursive name across the chest - gold, no less, on a green jersey. The "L" that sits alone on their green caps looks non-too-incognito - almost like the typesetter for the Oakland A's was typing in haste and hit the "L" key rather than the "A."

Unlike San Fernando, León has a healthy roster of non-Nicaraguans - of them, a handful of Cubans, some Panamanians, and a few Gringos from baseball-central.

Going into the game, León and San Fernando were battling in the middle of the four-team pack, vying for second place. Although it's young in the season, this was a major game for both clubs. San Fernando had been slumping after a hot start (where they occupied first place) and León just broke its slump - trying to piece the season together.

This was the fifth game of the season and the first matinee game, played uncomfortably at eleven in the morning. Most games are played in the evening, probably to prevent players from heat stroke.

The players trotted out on the field, under the baking sun and started promptly, PROMPTLY, at eleven. Anyone ever hear of that happening in the majors?

The lineups and rosters for visiting León and home San Fernando (these are very approximate as they are hard to determine in many instances):

NOTE: The league in Nicaragua has adopted the designated hitter.

LEÓN
#11 - SS - Jimmy Álvarez (Domican Republic) S/R
#51 - 2B - Ronald Garth (Nicaragua) R/R
#29 - CF - Justo Rivas (Nicaragua) R/R
#26 - C - César Quintero (Panama) R/R
#20 - DH - Henry Roa (Nicaragua) R/R
#7 - 1B - Sandor Guido (Nicaragua) L/L
#10 - 3rd - Alexis Hernández (Cuba) R/R
#18 - LF - Esteban Ramírez (Nicaragua) R/R
#81 - RF - Lenín Aragón (Nicaragua) R/R
PITCHER: #25 - Edisbel Benítez (Cuba) R

SAN FERNANDO (all Nicaraguan)
#86 - SS - Renato Morales L/L
#2 - 1B - Juan Blandón R/R
#29 - RF - Danilo Sotelo R/R
#12 - 3B - Norman Cardoze R/R
#11 - DH - Ofilio Castro R/R
#61 - C - Sergio Mena R/R
#80 - CF - Domingo Álvarez R/R
#13 - LF - Eddy Talavera R/R
#8 - 2B - Mario Holmann S/R
PITCHER: #31 - Asdrudes Flores L

PLAY BALL!

Not a second after eleven, Flores delivered the game's first pitch. I suppose it was his signature pitch - "fastish ball." He caught the batter sleeping, and the game had begun. Flores displayed his repertoire - Meat, Meat-Subsitute, and Quarter-Pounder. The first ball contact came from León's Álvarez, who as a leadoff hitter, did the obvious thing - he tried to bunt for a hit. It almost worked, but Cardoze got his sizable ass in gear and gunned him down. Flores got lucky on that one, but Mr. Garth followed that with a base knock, and readied himself for a little baserunning. Soon afterwards, Justo Rivas smacked an RBI-triple into the gap in center-right, and it looked like León would start pouring it on, but a fancy snag by Cardoze and his ass ended the inning on the next batter.

San Fernando easily showed their slump-like ways of late when their leadoff, Morales, whiffed on three consecutive pitches. With the heat, it was nice to have a fan to cool us down. Things started to look up, however, when Sotelo hit a single and Cardoze's ass reached on an error. As the ball rolled somewhere behind first base, Sotelo made his move towards third. Guido whipped the ball to third, and the ball reached there waaaaaay before Sotelo had his knee sliding in the dirt. Sotelo slid into the tag... SAFE! A botched call got the crowd in an uproar, of the "God is on our side" sort, and León's manager immediately hopped out of the dugout to argue (as much as he could with his portly Don Zimmer-like physique). This only riled up the crowd more, and play was suspended for a couple of minutes. When play resumed, so did Las Fieras impotence at the plate - inning over - San Fernando trailing 1-0.

Aside: As I tried to root FOR San Fernando, and I did - they were just a better team out there - you can't not love a guy named Sandor Guido - in fact, can the Angels sign him, just so I can get his jersey?

The next inning was pretty mediocre. Batters showed no confidence at the plate, and only one player reached base, and that was only because Flores decided to add a new pitch to his already impressive selection - the back tenderizer. In the bottom of the 2nd, Las Fieras showed that even when someone is on base, they like to get back to the shade of the dugout, and hit into double plays (Domingo Álvarez).

The third inning didn't show much promise either. León showed a little more strength at the plate. But how much that has to do with their batting competence or with Flores' pitching - I have no idea. They left three on base, and went into the bottom of the inning with nothing to show for their three hits. The only thing San Fernando could show for its third inning efforts was a miraculous at-the-plate appearance for pudgy Blandón who whiffed on his second pitch and sailed the bat through the air into the fence above his dugout. The bat hit the fence like a dart and lodged itself into the mesh. Blandón readjusted his grip and met the plate - the pitch, the swing - and poof, there went the bat AGAIN! It practically landed in the same place, nearly beheading the ball boy - who, it should be noted, seemed to display better reflexes than some of the professionals. Not strangely enough, San Fernando left that inning scoreless.

A few hits here and there with as many errors dictated play for the next couple innings. San Fernando showed that while batting was nearly impossible for them today, they could still baserun, if only just for show.

Aside: It was about the fifth inning when I noticed that every inning was strictly timed - each inning took almost exactly fifteen minutes, and by the end of the fifth inning, the time exactly was twelve-fifteen p.m.).

The sixth inning brought a little drama that was lacking in the actual play. A smack by a León batter cracked directly into Flores' knee. The ball bounced around the mound, and was picked up by Quintero, who threw the batter out at first. Flores left the game, helped by the medic, to applause - whether it was a show of sympathy or thankfulness that he was off the mound, who knows. Number 51 - Juan Pablo López (L) came in to save the day.

The injury rallied San Fernando in the bottom of the inning to hit into another double play.

In the seventh inning, López was showing his pitching chops. Or, I should say, the batters were chopping his pitches. Hernández with a base hit. Aragón with a single, Hernández to third. Then, little Álvarez with a down-the-line double, Hernández comes in for the run. León 2 - 0 San Fernando.

Las Fieras yank López and replace him with number 85 - Oswaldo Mairena (L) - who finishes off the inning with ease.

Likewise, Las Fieras were finished off in the bottom with ease. The starting pitcher for León, Benítez, looked masterful out there, putting pitches past players without problem.

The problems for San Fernando, however, mount in the eigth inning. Mairena plunks Sotelo and Sotelo steals second. Everybody's favorite - Sandor Guido - breaks the home crowd's collective heart, when he singles and drives Sotelo in for another run. León 3 - 0 San Fernando.

Need I tell you what San Fernando accomplished in the bottom of the eighth? Didn't think so, moving on...

Las Fieras put their hope on ANOTHER pitcher - number 16 - Lenín Gazo (R) - enters with little pressure on him - how much worse could he be? Well, he gives up a hit early, but puts away the rest of the side. In all, he may have been the best looking pitcher out there today for San Fernando, albeit only tossing less than 20 pitches.

León sent in their ace closer to finish this thing off - number 85 - Donald Calderón (R).

But, it was all set up for this, the home team, struggling all day, to heroically come back in the bottom of the ninth. But, in true cliché fashion, first they would have to have two outs against them, have three men on, and have the golden child of Fieras baseball step to the plate (with a broken leg, arm, and face). Then, with the last gasp of his spirit, he rockets a ball for a record length as fireworks explode in a veritable rainbow in the sky.

Or, you could do it the San Fernando way, one-two-three your way out of the inning and out of the game.

Grumbling, the crowd left, perhaps with a little less hope of their team's success this year. I will tell you what, if they play like that on a regular basis, they will win very few games. Of course, if it weren't for the triumphant pitching for Los Leones, León probably wouldn't either. Their field play was atrocious, even by little league standards, and their batting, while there were moments of success, was generally pretty bad.

But, they won, and now have position in second place behind everybody's team to love to hate - Boér of Managua.

While this was NO Major League game, by any stretch, it was a great experience. Fans in Nicaragua are comparable to the Majors' best, despite it not devolving into any sort of violent soccer-like fandom. These are knowledgable fans, and fans that respect the sport and each other. In other words, they wouldn't fit in at Citizen's Bank Park in Philadelphia. But, we'll let Matt K handle that one.

Till next time, when I should be stateside, keep the middle foam fingering as inappropriate as possible.

An Open Letter to David Stern and the NBA

2006-11-12T12:05:00.001-08:00

Dear Mr. Stern,

So, Davie, my Blazers are looking alright. In fact, right now, they have a better record than the two teams that met in the Finals a few months ago. It's great I, and other fans, can watch them on National TV.... oh wait...

We can't. You see, Portland is only featured in ONE nationally televised game. And even it is on NBA TV, and not everyone, Sternster, gets NBA TV.

Yep. That's it... Last year, I counted at least two games on ESPN/TNT, and that was the worst year in Blazer history. Even if the Blazers lose all the rest of their games this year, this will be a wholely more successful year than last year. But, really, you shouldn't want to show EVERY NBA teams' games on national TV, I mean, you have waaaay to many teams to do that... like 30 right? That's got to be tough to schedule.

And, it's not like the Blazers have one of the better storylines entering this season. The crazy trade happenings during the draft have all but completely overhauled this team into a collection of young, hungry players (although Zach has left the cheeseburgers in McDonald's this time around). And speaking of Zach, it's not like he's in the mention of MVP this season - he hasn't done ANYTHING so far this year to earn that accolade. He hasn't been mentioned by opposing coaches or opposing superstars (cough, KG) as unstoppable in the post.

And Brandon Roy - he doesn't have any makings of an award year. That and his last name is not coincidentally tied with an award he is on the inside track to win (should his ankle not keep him from competition).

And Ime Udoka, he doesn't have a touching story of his own. He hasn't done the ol' rags to riches tale this year in the face of family anguish. Nor has he been integral in leading Blazers in key moments to seal victories.

Travis Outlaw has not shown (at times) that he is the second coming of Stacey Augmon (in his prime).

Martell hasn't shown great stride in feeling the game and showing a basketball maturity.

Jarrett Jack, the man everyone seems to love to write off as a starting point guard, hasn't shown he can do all the right things leading this team at the point.

Nate hasn't shown he can instill his system in a bunch of young guys and have them play with heart. Especially with those UNREACHABLE players like Zach Randolph - the troublemaker he has been this year - oh boy!

Four and two is not a stand alone respect-maker, but you guys should take notice. The team you so desperately were going to ignore is trying to make you take notice. And right now, they are playing harder and with more heart than some of those teams trying to phone it in right now (eh, Mavericks).

Every year a team comes out of its own shadow to prove itself and everyone else wrong. I'm sure you didn't show many Clipper games last year - weren't bad were they? Maybe last season, you could have thrown in a few more Clipper games? Maybe a few more NOOCH games so that more people could see Chris Paul's amazing rookie year? You might have been able to fill them in for Minnesota's lost season.

What's the big deal with having a little flexibility with the TV schedules? Why are they made in August, or whenever it is waaaaay to early to determine diddly-squat about the upcoming season?

Maybe the NBA ought to pay attention to the Blazers, because can you imagine this lineup in the coming years:
PG - Jarrett Jack / Sergio Rodriguez
SG - Brandon Roy / Martell Webster
SF - Travis Outlaw / Ime Udoka
PF - Zach Randolph
C - LaMarcus Aldridge / Joel Przybilla

That is not going to be a fun team to play against - but they'll sure be fun to watch.

Love,
Rosco

Up Yours, GMs

2006-10-14T23:35:00.000-07:00

The genesis for this post was a conversation with a co-worker who's an old-school Yankees fan, a day before the Yanks were about to be eliminated from the ALDS. From the Bronx, ex-Navy, one of the nicest guys you could meet and a veritiable NY Sports Freak, especially when it comes to the Bronx Bombers. He wasn't devastated about the Yanks being eliminated; in fact, he claimed that he'd known that this would happen all along and had known it in the previous years of Yankee failure as well.

He said that given his choice, there would be 3, maybe 4 of the Yanks current batting order left, the rest presumably shipped off to baseball Siberia (for those wondering, the remaining players would be Jeter, Matsui, Abreu and maybe Damon). He also claimed that the "real" Yankees had died back in 2000 and the teams since then had been crippled by overpaid, over-the-hill players purchased for their name, rather than for their value in terms of builidng a team.

It's a familiar story. It's not too much of a stretch to say that that's what's happening with the Knicks, albeit with much lesser talent and with Real Madrid, who have had roughly the same success with their Galacticos as the Yankees have had with their "greatest line-up of all-time". These once-giants are doddering along, getting outplayed by sharper, younger and less-famous teams that are built around the holistic concept of The Team as a whole instead of being a flaccid temple to the notion of sports celebrity.

This incompetence is especially grating because these teams appear to be exempt from the financial issues that make GMing most sports teams challenging and probably beyond the grasp of somebody who has a good head for numbers as well as for the sport itself. The perception, true or not, is that these teams operate with a different set of rules where there are no barriers aside from the ones created in your own mind, especially in the mind of a dedicated fan.

The usual route this line of thinking follows, as exemplified in the introductory anectode, is "I could put together a better team than the guy who actually does it."

It is a theory that is at once heavily distanced from reality and also most likely true.

Disconnection, because the people running profressional sports teams are dealing with a lot more variables than the fan perceives them as. That basically boils down to: money. With a few exceptions, the GM has to juggle competitive success and financial success. Signing players, trading players, making players happy, these are all things that are fantastically more difficult that it appears to those of us on the passive end of "sports entertainment"*.

The key, as it seems to me, is that GMs (or the people building the teams, it's madness to think of Cashman as the real architect of the Yankees or of the Real Madrid coaches as having much of a say in recent years) have to try and avoid the trap of imposing their personality on the team. That is not their place. Their job is to provide the coach the players to succeed within a system. The GM may have some input upon the system and may impose choices when it is financially prudent/necessary/shrewd; he never should overrule the man actually creating the tactics or lineups for the team, unless that man happens to be himself, in which case if things don't work out, he should consider self-termination.

* - It should be noted at this point that these statements are not based on a long and successful career in sports management; well, maybe it is, if you count playing "Football Manager" as experience in sports management.

Wide, WIDE World of Fútbol

2006-09-28T07:31:00.000-07:00

Hey fellas and fellettes, Rosco reporting from the small Central American nation known as Gua-te-mala (which means, " Baby, you're bad" - in a Richard Roundtree sort of way). More specifically, I am hollerin' at you from Xela (Quetzaltenango to all you Geography majors).

Well, last night, I went to a local soccer match. And I think I can afford to tell you in unconvincingly suspensful writing about the match - as I am pretty sure the result wasn't staring at you in the face from the cover of the New York Times.

So here's the setup - this was a major league game - well, as major league as they come around here, which is apparently not major enough to share webspace on Soccernet.com or Yahoo's soccer coverage. This is La Liga Primera (Liga Mayor) of Fedefut Guate - and if at this point, you haven't coughed up phlegm, I would suggest inquiring your doctor.

So here's the matchup: Xelaju M.C. v. Zacapa (a regular group of roustabouts ready for a little soccer with their fighting). The result means the world - that is, the world in as much as being in the beginning of the season with so many games left to play can be. If Xela wins (or as the lobbyists who prefer longer names but not TOO long - Xelaju), they capture first place. If they lose, we'll they won't be in first place, but they won't be too disturbed. I would say however, if they lose, I wouldn't want to be Zacapa...

Prior to the game, they played a game of the minor league affliates of the two clashing teams. Well, that was a beautifully-crafted vision of partially-retarded soccer players (or, 22 Roscos playing on the pitch). Xela's winning goal came on an errant cross that happened to find the post and the net. So the Xela Lobotomy Babies won 1-0. So that got everyone pumped up to actually SEE some soccer.

A few things to mention before the game begins. A few little observations about the stadium. It seats a cozy 7000 fans, most of them on the goal lines. The Xela team is known as the Super Chivos (take THAT, Mexico!). A banner hangs that reads:

La Muralla Chiva
No Se Deribba

Which, roughly translated (how else does Rosco roll but roughly?) reads: The Chiva wall, will never fall.

Finally, the game was about to start, and on the end where we sat, was literally a pit out of which the players emerged. First came the Zacapa team clad in their ketchup and mustard uniforms to hisses and boos, and to the not-so-occassional-actually-quite-frequent "¡HIJO DE PUTA!" Which, I frankly won't roughly translate.

The Xela mascot, a very crude attempt at a ram with a papier-mache-like head wearing the Xela home jersey over a pair of sweatpants, elated the crowd and got them to, temporarily, stop swearing.

Then came on the good guys, The Xela boys in red and blue (doing Uncle Sam and Tío Ricardo well). There were cheers, confetti, fireworks, and smoke. And I think one of the drum guys in front of us suffered an aneurysm after he clobbered his drum. Between that and the drummers/horn section attempt at the Atlanta Braves/Florida State Seminole "Chop," they didn't make any aspirations towards a record contract.

And the game was off. And let me tell you, sure this was no Premiership. In fact, this wasn't even Eredivisie fútbol...but...

But...it was good. Surprisingly good.

At about the 10 minute mark (keep in mind there was no real scoreboard with time, etc. There was a little league like scoreboard with manual control needed, so all my times are very approximate), was the first goal. It was as beautiful a thing as I had seen during the entire World Cup (well, that's an overstatement, I know, but I saw this live, and that adds a certain amount to my hyperbole). Sergio Morales, midfielder, accepted a short cross from the wing with his right foot, settled it, and blasted a left foot looping shot from about 30 yards over the keeper's head into the back of the net.

Xela 1 - 0 Zacapa

And the crowd went wild.

At the 20 minute mark, a counter-attack saw Xela with a nice 4-3 advantage coming down the pitch. Jhonny Cubero made a nice cut off-the-ball in front of the defender just at the box, and received a nicely placed ball putting him at a tough angle in the box. He fired a corker of a shot and slipped it under the keeper into the opposite corner. (For the record, when one reports about soccer, one is allowed to sound like an English tool.)

Xela 2 - 0 Zacapa

And the crowd went wild. (Side note: Xela's keeper, 36-year-old Costa Rican Fernando Patterson, takes the team's free kicks.)

It was readily apparent that Xela far overmatched the feisty, as yet unskilled, group from Zacapa. This lead to some frustrations on some of the Zacapa players, and unseen to the refs, a defender elbowed one of the Xela wingers, this only made the guy next to me spit as he said, "Miguelito, ¡Hijo de Puta!" It was pretty clear that once a fútbol match began, fans' vocabularies decreased to about eight words:

- Hijo
- de
- Puta
- Eso
- Es
- Olé
- Gol
- Mierda

Shortly after that elbowing confrontation, Miguelito was carded, and rightly so.

And, shortly after that, at the 36 minute mark, Zacapa played the ball stupidly back to the keeper who was quickly swarmed by three Xela players, conceding the third goal and the second for Jhonny Cubero...

Xela 3 - 0 Zacapa

The crowd went wild. It was about this point that we heard another of Xela's infectious chants - The charge chant we know and love in the states, but since in Centroamerica, they would probably pronounce it "char-he," they changed that part to "Xela." Original. I know.

Halftime, 3-0, and the police flooded from the corner to defend the players.

Bags of urine thrown at this point: 1.

The second half calmed down a bit, as both sides were playing pretty sloppily. The one highlight was at about the 56 minute mark, when five of the Xela offensive players put on a Globetrotter-like clinic on the defense, one player juking and faking his defender onto the ground - ¡Eso es! Olé! - passing to another, fake, pass, pass, fake... Finally, the fourth man with the ball with clear shot at goal, faked the shot, drew the defense and laid it to his left to an open Israel Silva for a nice looping shot into the opposite corner of the net.

Xela 4 - 0 Zacapa.

The crowd went wild.

Finally, something went in Zacapa's favor, more than it should have. The little bald pit bull of a forward for Zacapa, scrappy and feisty as he was, never was able to get a good shot off. But a BS penalty call against Xela at the 70 minute mark, got Gastón Linares his goal for the night.

Xela 4 - 1 Zacapa.

¡Hijo de Puta!

And some new words: ¡Matelo!

That's how the game ended, with the crowd more unhappy about the police presence on the field than happy about their team's victory.

Bags of urine thrown at this point: 2.

Thus ended a fun night at the Estadio Mario Camposeco, and everyone had a good night's sleep.

Until next time, kids, where I will be covering some other weird ass sport played in the middle of America, keep your urine where you can see it, and never, never look up.

AKA "The Boot(htroyd) 'n Scoot"

2006-09-07T17:05:00.000-07:00

Boothroyd defends style of play

Now, I know that Boothroyd, like all managers in all sports, is required to defend his team against all comers, to present an united front, the better to improve team spirit, etc. etc. and that in doing so, it is perfectly expected to say that black is white, that the sun is made out of ice and that there really is a point to interviewing sports figures.

However, to compare Watford and their, shall we say, less than scintillating game to that played by Brazil or even Chelsea (who deserve all of the stick that they get for being an overly physical and essentially mind-numbing side) is well, pull the other one, it's got bells on.

There's a difference between a 70-yard cross-pass from fullback to fullback and lumping ball after ball upfield in the hopes that somebody with an overactive pituary gland might be able to knock somebody over and bloop the ball to somebody to thump in the general direction of goal. One is the use of playing the ball through the air to take advantage of open space. The other is a confession to being unable to pull off basic football skills in the face of superior competiton and is the usual fallback for teams that are outmatched by their opposition.

Such as, say, Manchester United. I wonder if you showed the recent match between the Red Devils and Watford to 100 people, even people who have absolutely no experience with the sport, how many of them would say that the two teams played the same style.

I'm guessing that it wouldn't be that many.

Note to Boothroyd: your team plays crappy football. It's nothing to be particularly ashamed of, because it got you up and it's not like you'd last very long trying to play like Arsenal with your current squad. Just don't feed us 1980s English Route One direct play (or "Drilloball", if you prefer references to eccentrically boring Norwegians) and tell us that it's The Beautiful Game.

Big, Fat, Middle Foam Finger to the Premiership Season Debut

2006-08-18T15:33:00.000-07:00

Okay, let's get some things straight before I "dive" into all this Premiership season opener shizz.

I am going to do some "filler" soccer material until our prodigal soccer son Electric Zarko returns from his post-maritals.

This means, of course, that I will run my mouth, quite naïvely, aimed at Premiership oppression. And, by oppression, I mean Chelsea Football Club, otherwise known as the über-Yankees (but more on them that later).

So, sit back, enjoy your favorite frosty beverage and think up some original swear words to yell at the screen while you read a very uninformed take on the EPL.

By the way, in the vain of opinion-based soccer rating, I suppose I should mention that I am a Liverpool supporter, and second to that, "el hatred supremo" of Senhor Jose Mourinho (in my American sports definition, the Jim Calhoun of soccer managers).

Onto the "preview."

Predictions

Top Scorer:
Thierry Henry (Arsenal) - I am not sure this guy has ever NOT been the top scorer of the EPL. I know you shouldn't root for him because he's French (or in some circles, appartenly he's Freedom), but he's one of the GOOD Frenchies, probably because he's not "genetically" French. And by "genetically," I mean he doesn't surrender that easily.

Player Most Likely to be Assassinated by ~~Rosco~~ Someone Who Gets Away Scot-Free:
Frank Lampard (Chelsea) - I don't know if I could put into my words why I dislike this guy so much, other than he's a complete ~~jerk~~ ~~tool~~ jerky tool. That, and he plays for Chelsea AND the English national team (which in itself, is almost a plus, considering what a non-threat they seem to be).

Players Fighting for Rosco's Immortal Love:
Dirk Kuyt (Liverpool) and Antonio Valencia (Wigan) - A little background. My High School career started in Ecuador (Valencia's home), it finished in the Netherlands (Kuyt's home). So, needless to say I am a little torn. Dirk Kuyt played for my favoritest football club, Feyenoord (ROTTERDAM! Isht, isht, isht), and, of course, for my boys, the Netherlands national team. Valencia plays for my "part-time" (read: bandwagon) boys the Ecuadorian national soccer team and blew me over with his impressive play at the World Cup. Still torn, slight edge to Kuyt. Valenica is not as goofy looking as Kuyt. But, he plays for Wigan. Kuyt plays for the Reds, my EPL boys. Torn, but I'll live with choosing the tall, Dirk, and not-so-handsome.

Predictions (the top 5):

1. Liverpool - Yep, I will admit this is a total homer pick. And, really, I am fine with that. All those other suck-bob EPL teams can go take a flying leap. Liverpool, in my opinion, vastly underperformed last year, but still won the FA Cup. And, when you have "Gorgeous George" Kuyt on the squad with the best English player on the planet, Mr. Gerrard (yep, I said it), they look to be in good position here to topple the all-star douche team that is the Blues of Chelsea.

2. Arsenal - A'ight, I am really just picking based on personal preference, rather than any sort of actual talent and intangible markers, but, that's how I do. People seem to be complaining that their backline is weak, but if memory serves, they have Phillippe Senderos - the swiss wundermonster who dominated the competition in the World Cup. Sure, he's injured, but how about the rest of that underrated line? Emmanuel "I Dive For a Living" Eboue, Gael "Cliché" Clichy, and Mr. Kolo "the Fury" Toure ought to be juuuust fine without him for the time being. Oh yeah, they also have one of the more talented keepers, even if he is a bit off-his-rocker (otherwise known as "being German"). Add to that Mr. Henry and one of the best transfers - Rosicky, and you've got yourself a fun-to-watch team.

3. Manchester United - Yep, the pretty boys in Red (well, except for Rooney, that dude is some sort of experiment gone wrong). They have all the panache of the Phoenix Suns without the likability. All around they are pretty solid, but that (current) lack of a second viable striker (I'm not taking any Solskjaer bets) will probably cost them a bit. But, they'll be a fun team to watch, even if your goal is only to watch some nut-crunching action, that is when Christiano Ronaldo is not making some fantastic dribbling move to only lose the ball, then dive to try and win it back.

4. Chelsea - Ugh. Well, I had to include them in the top four, if only because their manager is a "genius." I will give them this, they do have a few players I like - Robben, Cech, Shev, and Terry. But, really, the rest of them can take go play doucheball in an acid bath. In fact, Lampard and Mourinho should probably go play grab-ass in a mine-field. Yep, I think that'd do it. That'd put a good smile on my face. Maybe, if we tethered some wolverines to their ankles while they played. It really is a shame that they will win the Premiership, a goddamn shame. But, at least in my world, on this post, they will barely crack the top five - and really, that's all I need.

5. Newcastle or Tottenham or Blackburn - One of these teams will round it out, and all of them have the potential to be at number five or even higher. There is a lot of talent on these teams, but perenially they are underachievers, so don't expect too much from these guys - just hope that they go out there and compete and that Damien Duff and Shay Given represent the Republic well. But, really, they will never win just because of their sissy nicknames - who names a team after something you put on a boot? WTF is that about? We wouldn't do that in an AMERICAN sports league!! And WTF is a Magpie?

Okay, that about wraps up my rant for the time being, be sure to wake up really early and watch a little Premiership on Saturday - it's not like there's college football on... yet.

HONK HONK

2006-07-30T22:42:00.000-07:00

It seems strange that we haven't come outright and said it yet, although certainly some of the previous updates have overtly or covertly referred to it. "It" being the increasingly undeniably decrepit state of ESPN. The channels, the website, the "personalities", it's all become so horrific that even coming out and saying it is already gauche, already something that's been said for years.

That said, they still deserve a nice, large, extra-foamy Middle Foam Finger.

Hey ESPN, up yours.

What precipitated this, you might ask? The specific impulse behind this update is the most recent column by ESPN.com's Senior National Columnist, Gene Wojciechowski, in which he makes the utterly flawless argument that we shouldn't care if Floyd Landis tested positive because we didn't care about Floyd Landis two weeks ago.

No, I'm not making a staw man here, he really seems to believe that since nobody cared about Floyd Landis or cycling last month, that nobody should care about the possibility of Landis having doped now. He then makes a similar argument about Justin Gaitlin, another athlete in a sport that doesn't rate according to Wojciechowski's stunning Law of Sports Proportionality, a logical Klein bottle that hypothesizes that we shouldn't cheer or boo athletes who escape the (relative) obscurity of their sport because their sport is too obscure.

It's less stupid (although it's that too) and more a mindbending exercise in how ESPN operates. To try and summarize, Wojciechowski is complaining, on ESPN, about stories that have broken, on ESPN, being given disproportionate attention, on ESPN, because these sports are not something that people care about, on ESPN.

This is far worse than Pat Forde's excreable column that tried to create some sort of weird "Right Way" manifesto based on Dirk Diggler's success in the playoffs because Wojciechowski's column highlights the larger issue with ESPN, that being that they have grown beyond sports broadcasting and have become some sort of odious sports-media octopus.

ESPN, more than endorsements or possibly even actual results on the field of play, has become the kingmaker of modern sports. Like MTV before them, the focus has slowly shifted away from actual music and is smugly centered on sports culture and ESPN's self-perceived role as some sort of jock-strap zeitgeist. And again like MTV, ESPN has managed to make the transition from "plucky underdog doing something new" to "cross-media cultural cul-de-sac that would fellate itself if it could".

Again, we're lurching into "Been Said Before, Been Said Better" territory. Still, we have to get our shots in, while the body's still warm.

Dennis Bergkamp!

2006-07-22T16:02:00.000-07:00

Today was Dennis Bergkamp's testimonial match at Arsenal's new Emirates Stadium. Even though nobody on TMFF is a Gooner, half of us are fans of the Oranje and really, every non-self-loathing soccer fan has to have a little love for Bergkamp, one of the most skilled players of the modern era and an excellent advertisement for the attacking side of the game.

First, a short collection of his best goals for Arsenal:

Then, a TMFF favorite, his most famous goal against Argentina in the '98 World Cup, and watch all the way through as the Dutch announcer Jack Van Gelder shows you how to call a goal:

The Terrible Towel

2006-07-19T00:17:00.000-07:00

Earlier today I was talking to a co-worker in my office and the discussion turned to my Golden State Warriors towel that I have draped over the back of my television. Without really thinking about it, I said that it was an ad for my bad taste in basketball teams. Being a fan of the game and no team in particular, he laughed, agreed and the conversation moved on.

Later I felt bad, as though I had sold "my team" out. After all, the Warriors had one a championship (barely before I was born) and had the ultra-stylish Run TMC crew, not to mention the Sprewell-Webber shoulda-woulda-coulda that was prematurely dead. Still, the recent run of form for the team, which coincides with the blossoming of my basketball conciousness, has been uniformly awful.

Sure, as many a Warriors fan has pointed out, if we were in the East, we almost certainly would have made the playoffs one of these years. This is a nice way to lie to ourselves, to try and make us forget all the times that we've thrown a game away in the last 2 minutes and/or flubbed those all-important free throws (a particular Warriors nemesis).

Even the stars of the team are flawed: Baron Davis, the overweight point guard with All-Star skills who can't seem to stay healthy or his mind entirely on the game; Jason Richardson, the ultra-athletic 2 with no handles to speak of; Troy Murphy, the defensive-rebounding specialist power forward. All of which, it should go without saying, are worse free-throw shooters than they have any right to be. The rest of the team is potential, a tomorrow that never comes, barring a trade to another, more fortunate team.

Unlike the Royals, Texans and countless other woe-begon franchises, the Warriors don't even give you the joy of being flat-out bad, no chance at balancing out the scales with a No. 1 pick. And even when they do screw up and have a horrible year, the balls shake out the wrong way and we get Mike Dunleavy Jr., a gag gift if ever I saw one. Junior is a good enough metaphor for the team as a whole, being as he is just good enough to garner a ridiculous contract while being just bad enough that he'll never live up to that money.

And yet, I still feel bad when I refer to the team sucking, aside from the brief flash of instant gratification that you get when you speak the truth. As a fan, I've somehow married myself to this grotesque conglomeration of athletic underachievers and I don't know if there's any way out.

Oh well, at we don't have a roster that looks like this anymore:

http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Stage/7975/roster.html

To Live and Die in Germany

2006-07-10T16:01:00.000-07:00

Usually after the World Cup ends, there's a sense of desperation undercutting the elation, a sad reminder that we won't get to see another such event for 4 more years.

This year, it almost feels like a relief. The knockout stages, loaded with potentially great teams, produced 2 classic games (Germany - Italy and Germany- Argentina) and a cluster of matches marred by over-zealous fouling, foul-calling and play-acting.

The best team-as-tournament-metaphor is provided by Portugal, a team full of attacking talent and sensational skill, boasting a number of players who play on the world's best teams, a team that was known best for its cynical approach to the game, the most spectacular example being the pneumatically-driven diving of Cristiano Ronaldo.

One of the game's great young talents, it's maddening to watch such an incredible athelete brazenly attempt to fool the officials (and the worst part is that he's a very poor diver, in the sense that he's ridiculously obvious) and worse yet, to deny that anything is going on to the press. With Marco Materazzi as the other most obvious fibber, players and coaches think nothing of giving the press a line that is easily refutable by anybody who bothered to actually watch the games.

In a similar vein, I remarked to a co-worker that I would believe that Juventus will be relegated when I see it happen. In other words, the game has become so cynical and jaded that even the most reasonable expectations of personal or institutional behavior are idealistic meanderings more than anything else. Cheating, whether it be match-fixing or gamesmanship on the field, must be addressed by somebody before the game becomes even more of a farce than it already is.

The other, more insidious, cyncism, is the cynicism of tactics. Brazil, Argentina and England were each regarded as three of the most talented teams enterting into the finals. All three crashed out before the semifinals, hamstrung by their respective coaches into playing a style dominated by caution. Oddly, only the Germans, known for decades for their pragmatism, played an exuberant style of pushing forward and trying to create their own luck.

That Italy, the eventual winners, were one of the more adventurous sides in the knockouts should serve as a clarion call. Let your players run free, let your wingers be wingers, try to win by scoring goals; not by preventing them.

Football Predestination

2006-07-02T01:34:00.000-07:00

Although actual Argentinians doublessly felt more pain or at least a general sense of dread, it was difficult for me to believe what I was seeing when the camera panned across the players lined up before the penalty shootout between Argentina and Germany, the first of two in these quarterfinals (the second of which I will get to shortly). Standing there with their teammates, each still wearing the garb of the substitute, were Messi, Saviola and Aimar. Three of the fastest, most creative players in the world and none involved in what would be the last game of Argentina's World Cup.

To be fair to Jose Pekerman, who seems to be a nice enough guy, the injury to Abbodanzieri tied his hands, taking away one of the 3 allowed substitutions. Still, to see Riquelme replaced by the defensive-minded Cambiasso and Crespo by the lumbering Cruz was madness, or at least the weakness of selecting the sensible option. Cambiasso is a decent player; however, he wasn't able to help on the eventual German goal and once Argentina needed to go forward, was relegated to sideways passes 30 yards from goal. Cruz, slow and poor with the ball at his feet, was introduced to provide extra cover on corners and freekicks. With the score deadlocked, his inability to go at the defense or even hold the ball were highlighted as the offense thrashed around to little effect. While both subs are servicable players, they were never going to be able to put the game beyond the Germans and their tactical selection was made out of a desire to not lose the game, rather than to win it.

Once the Germans equalized, Argentina was done. Tevez and Maxi Rodriguez were spent and without players who could break down the German defense, it was going to take a miracle shot to break the deadlock, a miracle that never occured and the game ground to the inevitable conclusion of the penalty shootout, a mini-game at which the Germans excel, leaving Argentinians to wonder what could have only happened if Riquelme were replaced with Aimar, or Crespo by Messi.

The German's frighteningly clinical performance from the spot was followed the next day by the death spasms of the English World Cup squad, a typically English performance where 1 of 4 penalties were actually scored, the other 3 all being saved by the Portugese keeper. The contrast between the two penalty shootouts could not be greater when viewed in the context of two quotes:

Oliver Bierhoff, German coach: "Lehmann saw videos of all the penalties Argentina have taken in the past two years, with a list of the specific types of penalty the players usually take.

He then had to briefly consult the notes with (goalkeeping coach) Andreas Koepke, because you never know until the shootout who will be on the list."

Jamie Carragher, English player: "The referee said he never blew his whistle so I had to wait until after he blew it.

I didn't realise. I obviously don't take that many.

I've taken two in my career and scored two before this one, one in the Worthington Cup final shoot-out against Birmingham and another in penalties in the same competition."

On one hand, you have the stereotype of German preparedness and efficiency with the goalkeeper handed a slip of paper before each penalty telling him where each player usually shoots.

On the other, we have a player inserted 3 minutes before the end of extratime who has taken a total of 2 penalties in his career and doesn't even know enough to wait for the referee to blow his whistle before taking the kick.

The disparity of preparation is almost unbelievable, especially considering the number of times that the English have bowed out of a major competition on penalties. It's almost as if the English believe that they can avoid their bogey by ignoring it, a remarkable act of idealism that has completely and conclusively failed.

Preparation seems to be the theme of this Cup, with each of the final four teams being a squad first and a group of individual players second, if at all. Of the major players eliminated so far, only Argentina had shown signs of playing together, with England and Brazil looking pathetically incoherent, each a wealth of riches thrown onto the field and functioning at a level far below the sum of their parts.

Each of the remaining teams also boast a midfield general, Totti, Ballack, Deco and Zidane providing a focal point for possession and distribution, a scheme radiating from a centrally-placed offensive midfielder, a pivot point that each team uses as leverage to prise open defenses. By having a defined leader in terms of possession, these teams avoid the "too many chefs" problem that wrecked England and Brazil, who had too many options and thus wallowed in indecision, taking advantage of none of them.

It's so stupidly simple in retrospect, that every player needs a role and that it's more important to have players who play well with each other than to try and accomodate individual talent, that defense wins championships and you have to have a proven goal-scorer. It's so strange that in a sport where anything can happen, that the end result can feel unavoidable.

That Never Happens

2006-07-01T11:02:00.000-07:00

Well, nobody could have seen that one coming. Oh wait, I did.

By the way, if nothing else, that penalty shoot-out proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Owen Hargreaves is not English.

Team of the Group Stage

2006-06-23T23:30:00.000-07:00

Tonight we present The Electric Zarko Top Eleven All-Star Team from the Group Stage. This is mainly a chance to take a look at players who did well without having their team advance, as they are unlikely to wind up in the end of the tournament All-Star team, which will hopefully be a roundtable affair.

The formation being used is a 4-4-2 with wingers and two central mids, one primarily defensive, the other primarily offensive. One objective that I will stick to is making the team as utilitarian as possible, unlike many All-Star teams that would be run off the pitch by a lesser-talented and more balanced side.

Keeper - Shaka Hislop (TRI) Hislop was instrumental in Trinidad & Tobago's first two games, where he stoned Sweden and England for 173+ minutes. Even more amazing was that Hislop wasn't supposed to start, only being selected for the match after Kelvin Jack suffered an injury in the pre-match warmups. Also Considered: Pascal Zuberbuehler (SUI)

Left fullback - Philip Lahm (GER) Instrumental in the first two games for Germany, Philip Lahm has had an excellent cup overall, including what is probably the finest opening goal in the history of the tournament. Adept at getting forward, Lahm has also been a defensive stalwart, combining well with Bastian Schwienstieger in midfield. Also Considered: Neicer Reasco (ECU), Arthur Boka (CIV), Mariano Pernia (ARG)

Right fullback - Hatem Trabelsi (TUN) The major offensive threat for Tunisia even while operating from the back line, it was a common sight to see Trabelsi bombing down the wing towards the opposition area while still getting back to break up attacks. By far the best player for Tunisia. Also Considered: Willy Sagnol (FRA), Luis Miguel (POR)

Center half (2) - John Terry (ENG), Philippe Senderos (SUI) Senderos makes it for his composure in defence and aerial threat on set pieces on offense. Unfortunately he injured his shoulder in the final match of the group stage and may miss out on the rest of the Cup. Terry made yet another goalline clearance against T&T and was generally solid, except for the final game against Sweden, which we're going to glame entirely on Rio Ferdinand and Sol Campbell. Also Considered: Geovanny Espinoza (ECU), Dennis Lawrence (TRI), Rafael Marquez (MEX), Kolo Toure (CIV), Lucas Neil (AUS)

Defensive mid - Yaya Toure (CIV) "The Next Viera" doesn't seem like so much of an overstatement once you've seen him operate from deep in midfield. A truly dangerous two-way midfielder, Y. Toure even seems to be better than Viera in certain areas, such as shooting at distance. Rumored to be headed to Manchester United post-Cup. Also Considered: Javier Mascherano (ARG), Michael Essien (GHA)

Right Wing - Edison Mendez (ECU) Mendez has been one of the most crucial players for one of the surprise sides in this World Cup. Operating from either flank and sometimes from the middle of the field, he is another true two-way player, complete with a crunching tackle and a stinging shot. Supposedly being sought after by several Spanish teams. Also Considered: Maxi Rodriguez (ARG), Clint Dempsey (USA)

Left Wing - Arjen Robben (NED) The best player for the Dutch and one of the best players in the competition, Robben had the game of the tournament against Serbia and Montenego. Fast, a dangerous dribber and a decent finisher, Robben has been the engine for the Dutch offense so far. Also Considered: Sully Muntari (GHA), Luis Valencia (ECU)

Attacking Mid - Tim Cahill (AUS) Cahill was the main figure in the most important match of the Cup for Australia, the 3-1 victory over Japan where Cahill's appearance from the bench sparked a comeback, including a Cahill volley that hit both posts before crossing the line. A bit of a tough guy, Cahill has made a career out of showing up at the right place at the right time. Also Considered: Xabi Alonso (ESP), Walter Centeno (CSR), Didier Zokora (CIV), Stephen Appiah (GHA), Park Ji Sung (KOR)

Support Forward - Javier Saviola (ARG) "El Conejito" was the best player on the field for the fluid Argentinian team and was as comfortable setting up others as he was finishing himself. Although small, Saviola has used his speed and touch to great effect thus far, to the point where he appears to have relegated Carlos Tevez and Leo Messi to the bench, no small feat. Also Considered: Aruna Dindane (CIV), Luis Garcia (ESP)

Striker - Miroslav Klose (GER) Klose makes a habit of cleaning up on weaker opposition and this Group Stage was no different. An excellent all-around striker, Klose needs to show his ability to finish against top-level opposition before he becomes a world-class forward. Also Considered: Fernando Torres (ESP), Hernan Crespo (ARG), Carlos "Demolition Man" Tenorio (ECU)

[picture at top of article]

Coach: Guus Hiddink (AUS) A further confirmation of his coaching ability, Australia's advancement to the second round was a testament for Hiddink's keen sense of squad management, made most clear in his use of substitutions. Bruce Arena, are you writing this down? Also Considered: Leo Beenhakker (TRI), Kobi Kuhn (SWI)

Your New York Knickerbotchers

2006-06-22T14:33:00.000-07:00

Perhaps you should heed your own advice, Isiah.

Isiah Thomas, for my money, is the worst NBA general manager of all-time. Now he is set to become (again) the worst coach/GM of all time. He has ~~replaced~~ saved Larry Brown his dignity.

This shouldn't come as a huge shock. In fact, for shock value it's kind of like having a friend that you just know is gay and should come out of the closet, and then he does, and you say to yourself, "Wow! I knew it, I just knew it, but... WOW!" Isiah Thomas is that gay man.

So, you might ask yourself, what exactly has Mr. Thomas done for the Knicks that they want him to have the two most important jobs on an NBA franchise? Lest you forget, he gave up a fantastically great trade commodity in Anfernee "I'm Worth About a Penny" Hardaway and his "Worth Quite a Few Pennies" contract for a suffocatingly, debilitatingly overpaid, overrated tweener of a head-case (Stevie "McDonald's Franchise"), who has proved that he doesn't have the chops to win at practically any level (I won't speak for his high school career).

In fact, Stevie's still trying to make his long-distance relationship with Cuttino Mobley last.

By the way, that move (made last year around the trade deadline), is what HoopsHype calls Isiah's best transaction as Knick GM. Best.

Okay, so what's his worst, according to HoopsHype? Signing Jerome James last offseason. You remember Jerome James - inflated center, played for the Sonics, in the playoffs had one decent, Dampier-esque game versus the Spurs, got tons of undeserved money in a contract tied up by one Isiah Thomas? Ring a bell? Yep, THAT Jerome James.

I, for the record, have not held office in any NBA front office, but when you have a hall-of-fame coach, you should really give him more than a year to piece things together into a winning formula - especially with the talent the Knicks have.

I will give this to Isiah, during last year's draft, he did alright. Well, he would have done alright if he had the slots on the roster for those guys.

Channing Frye - Center? Nope. At best I would call him a 4/5. You know, kind of like Eddy Curry or Malik Rose?

Nate Robinson - He sure is fun to watch isn't he? Too bad he's a shooting guard in a tiny point guard's body and plays kind of like Stephon Marbury and Steve Francis - at least he fills THAT need, they DEFINITELY didn't have THAT covered.

David Lee - I like him, he hustles, and in fact, he might have been one of the brightest guys for the Knicks' future... if he could see the court behind Jalen Rose, Quentin Richardson, Jamal Crawford, and Qyntel Woods.

Speaking of Qyntel Woods... Need I say more?

Remember when the Knicks had hustle players? Players like Nazr Mohammed and Kurt Thomas - they're gone now, have been for a year or so. You know what the genius got for them? Malik Rose and Quentin Richardson.

You don't want me to get started on Quentin either. He and his head-bopping kin Darius Miles can go double up Brandy for all I care.

Knicks payroll last season : $123 million.

Sure, Isiah inherited a lot of that loot, but he's been with the Knicks since 2003 and hasn't made a dent in it (kind of like certain presidents with the National Debt). So one would think that since the average contract is probably 3-years, that in 2006 this number would be drastically better.

Knicks probable payroll this coming season: $125 million +.

Heckuva job, and one heckuva good reason to give this guy the coaching reins. After all, it's pretty much "fact" that he gets along with everyone (cough, Michael Jordan, cough, Larry Bird, cough, Rosco, cough) so he shouldn't have ONE problem dealing with the super-inflated egos on the Knicks roster. Not ONE problem - you heard it here first (ahem).

But... Do you want to know why this REALLY pisses me off? Because the Knicks will be as badas last year, if not worse (put the smart money on worse), the Knickerbockers will continue to compete with the Trail Blazers for worst record, and hence the best chance at squeezing out the number 1 pick, and likely Greg Oden with it. And, since it's New York, home of the NBA HQ, they WILL get the number one pick (and with it Greg Oden), because the NBA is rigged (don't fine me, Mr. Stern).

Greg Oden. And then, Isiah will somehow look like a genius.

Isiah Thomas: "You're fired, Larry."
Larry Brown: "Fantastic, I'm already packed!"

A New Swiss Chalet for Mr. Merk

2006-06-22T08:02:00.000-07:00

NBA Draft Growing Pains

2006-06-19T09:16:00.000-07:00

I'm conflicted.

The draft is just over a week away, and I, as a Blazers fan, cannot decide between two players to draft. I know what you might say - you'd say, "Rosco, you're not the GM of the Blazers, you don't get to make that decision."

Yeah? Well, screw you!

The way I see it, the ~~Blazers~~ I am in the sitcom-cliché situation of having two dates on the same night. Now while this usually unfolds with hilarious circumstances to the audience, I have a dating reputation to uphold. So, stop laughing.

So as the night goes on, and I have taken fancy boy #1, Brandon Roy, to dinner and a movie, and I really start to "feel" his personality, I start to prefer him over Adam Morrison. I weigh the pros and cons. He's a better teammate, he plays decent defense, he has good "back to the basket game," and he put his jacket over that puddle for me. He's sweet.

But, then, after the movie, I call it a short night with Brandon so that I can meet with fancy boy #2, Adam Morrison. We go out dancing at a late-night club, doing basically a facsmilie of the rumpshaker, and guess what happens? I forget about old Brandon Roy, who is now sitting at home gabbing with his friends over his date with me the Blazers. Adam Morrison is fun and outgoing. He may not have all the qualities to look for, but he's exciting. That and he totally kicked this guy's ass when he spilled a drink on me. Broke his nose, and some other things - I think he's in traction now.

I go home exhausted and swirling with thoughts of the dates, unable to choose one over the other. After a full night's rest, it gets even worse. Who am I to choose? I mean, we only have ONE draft pick in the top five. If only we had two, we could have both! We could have both! Ah, but idle dreaming comes crashing to a close - we only have one. We can only have one.

All my girlfriends are telling my Roy is the solid choice. He's an upstanding fellow with few faults, but I can't help but keep thinking of Adam Morrison and that concussion he gave that guy...

What is a ~~girl~~ guy to do?

Of course, like any good sitcom (or, for that matter, a really, awfully, horrible one) the ruse has to be discovered, and both dates dump the protagonist (you had better believe that I am the protagonist, haters). Leaving me coldly in the rain, quietly sobbing to myself, I try to figure out what went wrong. Of course, I don't learn any sort of lesson, and I jump straight into a relationship with...

...LaMarcus Aldridge.

Oh, LaMarcus. He'll treat me right.

That'll get the show through another week before I am up to more crazy shenanigans.

But, knowing the Blazers and how much they love to F'in piss me off, they'll probably just draft that jerk Tyrus Thomas. Sons-of-bitches.

Either that, or those two non-teams - Toronto and Charlotte (they still don't belong in the NBA, posers) will select both my boys.

And I would really HATE to have to put together a "hit list" that might include Michael Jordan. But, Mike, you'll have to understand - you would have brought this on yourself.

So stay tuned until draft day. Until then, I'll still be conflicted*.

*after draft day, I will be steadfast with my decision that the Blazers made the worst pick ever.

Separated at Birth? (World Cup Edition)

2006-06-16T10:10:00.000-07:00

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Soccer

2006-06-15T11:17:00.000-07:00

First, for those of you who prefer other sports: that's nice. Now shut the hell up. Yes, soccer fans are frequently annoying. Yes, the French don't have Big Gulps. This doesn't mean that you have to constantly whine about how awful soccer is or how better the sport you prefer is. It makes you just as bad as the socceristas that drive you nuts in the first place. In summary: not liking soccer is fine. Constantly talking about how (much) you dislike soccer is chump-style.

Second, I'm going to skip over the rules portion of the sport. There are plenty of places that you can read about it, including Wikipedia. Don't worry if you don't get the offside rule at first. As you can see from many of the replays during the World Cup, most of the assistant referees still haven't mastered it.

Many people who can't watch or dislike soccer identify the lack of scoring as the main problem, as if the sport exists in an unwatchable state unless the ball is entering into the goal. The most typical comment is that "nothing is happening".

This is almost always complete horseshit. There's usually something happening, it's just not regarded as "significant" if it doesn't immediately lead to scoring by someone who doesn't have anything else to to hang their hat on. Now, the most basic aspect of soccer is space. For the team who has the ball, the object is to move the ball (and hence the players) into space, as the more space a player has, the more time he has.

The best players can do wonderous things when given space (see: Gerrard's goal yesterday versus Trinidad & Tobago) and can operate in tight spaces as though they were in the open field (see: Ronaldinho).

So the object for the defensive team has to be to restrict space, to allow the offensive team to play the ball to a position where it will become easier for the defense to recover the ball and reverse the roles.

There are several basic strategies on both sides of the ball. I'll use the England - Trinidad & Tobago game as an example, because the strategies being used were fairly simplistic.

Strategies

T&T

Without the ball: On defense, T&T allowed the English players to have time on the ball, so far as they were more than 30 yards away from their goal. Within that 30 yards (or the "defensive third", as it is known), the T&T players would move quickly to close down the player with the ball (i.e. get close to him) and would force play toward the sides of the field. There were also quite happy to simply play the ball out of bounds rather than attempt to retain possession in 50-50 situations (situations so named because there is a supposedly equal chance for either team to come away with possession).

With the ball: T&T's offensive strategy consisted mainly of getting the ball quickly to the player closest to the English goal, who would then attempt to advance the ball as fast as he could into the offensive third. Two or three other T&T players would join in and the object would be to try and generate a scoring chance before the English could get players back towards their goal.

England

Without the ball: Although it's hard to say exactly what England's strategy was on defense since they had the ball the majority of the match, they showed a tendency to pressure the player with the ball, regardless of where the player was on the field, hoping to force the T&T players into making a mistake and gifting England possession.

With the ball: England's main strategy when faced with the extreme defensive tactics of the T&T squad was to play the ball out to the wings (which is where they were being given space) and then either play the ball into the box with a cross (which is how they eventually scored) or to advance the ball and either attempt to cut the ball inside toward the goal or run into space toward the endline for a more advanced cross. When there was not space to either advance the ball or cross it, England would play the ball back to the defenders, who would then pass to the other wing, the idea being that forcing the defense to change positions would cause some of them to make mistakes, opening up space for an attack.

Overall

The combination of these two strategies created one of the classic soccer matchups, the team playing the possession game, switching the field, etc. versus the counter-attacking team, happy to bunker in front of the goal and try their luck on some fast-breaks.

The strategies of both teams were of course affected by the strategy of the other team as well as by the formations used by both. For example, if England was denying space for the ground-based breakout passes when T&T had the ball by playing further back (and thus giving more time to the player with the ball), T&T may have resorted to the "long-ball" (or "Route One football" if you're British ("Drillo-ball" if you're Norwegian)) tactic of hitting the ball through the air towards the opposition's goal in the hope that luck or a single good play will result in an opening.

And when England made their substitutions at the end of the game in their desperation for a goal, they brought on a wide midfielder for a defender, changing their formation from the classic English 4-4-2 (four defenders, four midfielders, two forwards) to something that more closely resembled a 2-6-2, moving up their wing defenders into the midfield, as T&T wasn't attacking that space anyway.

As you get more and more into the complexity of strategy and formation, the understanding of the back and forth of the game is increased and usually, the enjoyment of watching a game.

This is not to say that there aren't boring soccer games. There are! Immensely boring games in fact, just like every other damn sport out there. I'm sorry, I really don't think that a 10-7 meaningless game between the Browns and the Ravens or a 2-0 game between the Diamondbacks and the Royals is really that much more exciting than the stereotypical 0-0 draw in soccer. If it's a bad game, it's a bad game and there's nothing wrong with deciding you'd rather do something else.

Like, say, write a post on a sports blog. About sports. Shit, somebody please score.

World Cup Panda-Mania-Onium!

2006-06-14T19:38:00.000-07:00

Is it to late to write a preview of the World Cup? Fine, F you guys.

We here at the Middle Foam Finger have already covered previewing the World Cup, thanks to our own Electric Zarko (ah, those group previews were electric indeed). But, I feel, I can interject my own retro-pre-non-view of the World Cup to come.

You see folks, we're only like an eighth of the way through this bad boy, and I've already lost a lot of sleep, and I'm not seeing any Z-time coming up anytime soon (n)either.

Now if only those douchebags England and France can bow out of the tourney, I will be extremely delighted and declare these the best World Cup games of all time! Germany, douchy as they may be, can stay until the second round when the geniuses in "Oranje" give the Deutches a Total Voetbal kick to the Scheisse-factory straight back to Mönchengladbach.

Okay, now onto the Magazine-y looking headers with not-so-interesting information underneath. And there'll be pictures, so you know, less reading:

The GOAL of the World Cup (so far)

Tim Cahill (Australia)

Tim Cahill's second goal of the match (and Australia's second goal EVER in World Cup history) sealed Australia's first ever victory in the World Cup. But, most importantly, it made me jump out of my seat and yell "Oy! A corker!"

Guus Hiddink - genius. Where does he hail from, you might ask? It's fate.

The Oranje win the cup.

Douche of the World Cup

Frank Lampard (England)

Okay, he hasn't necessarily done anything douchy, but knowing this guy's history, I would keep my eye open around this maniac with a head full of hay. He is the one player in the tournament I might want to make sure doesn't have a shiv hiding in his shin guard.

The Oranje win the cup.

Look Out For...

David Villa and Spain

Okay, I am not about to make any sort of American pro-sports team reference to Spain and their inability to "win the big one" (cough, Cubs, cough), but they (alongside Holland) have put out some of the best sides (sides, for you non-soccer, er, football, guys, side = roster. You see, a long time ago, a bunch of British people invented the sport, and they came up with fancy (read: pompous) names for everything, including side, pitch, touchline, and dive) this side of Brazil only never to win the Copa Mundial. But they looked pretty good during their first match and they still haven't played to their potential. But, Spain, if you do, please make it be against Argentina (they'll flop all the way back to Buenos Aires).

David Villa put on a spectacular show and is an immediate threat to win the Golden Boot (see earlier about fancy English words). He also has a soul patch, so if he decides to retire from his footy action, he could easily find a place in the Oakland A's rotation.

But...

The Oranje win the cup.

You Gotta Root For...

Anyone and Everyone (but especially de Nederlandsen)

Find a team and go with it, even the douchestastic teams have shown some on-the-pitch flair, and really it's anyone's tournament at this point (except the US, they're cooked).

Oh, but don't root for England. Case in point: this is the toughest they can look....

...and that's sad.

The Oranje win the cup.

Final Prediction: (This totally goes against my World Cup Bracket, but that's hosed anyways)

Nederlands 3 - 1 España

(There IS finally a final worth watching)

Step Off, Bitches

2006-06-12T16:50:00.000-07:00

It's Arjen's tournament, f-bags! Just give us the damn trophy.

I don't give a rat's ass if Brazil hasn't taken to the damn pitch yet - you snooze, you lose.

Hup Oranje!

Sven-ger-land

2006-06-10T08:10:00.000-07:00

I can't even imagine what it's like to be an actual England fan. The sight of all that talent moldering out there on the pitch like a dog's discarded breakfast must drive them insane. Well, more insane.

For those who didn't bother to wake up for today's early early World Cup game, England just walked out with a "gritty" (see: nearly unwatchable game) victory over Paraguay, courtesy of an own goal.

Although Paraguay should get credit for constantly fouling, time-wasting and generally being cunts; England never managed to get anything going short of when they were playing Joe Cole behind a lone striker, which he did for roughly 10 minutes before being substituted for everyone's favorite England sub, Owen Hargreaves.

One wonders what the mental process was for Sven Goran Eriksson in that case. "Hmmm, Joe Cole is the only player looks remotely dangerous with the ball at his feet and he's creating a bunch of chances at the position to which I recently moved him. Plus Crouch, Lampard and Gerrard are all noticably limping and haven't really done much lately. Let's take Cole out."

Actually, the Hargreaves substitution wasn't as bone-headed as it appeared. The England midfield had been screaming out for some sort of holding midfielder/pivot man for most of the game, as neither Gerrard or Lampard are capable of playing that role and as a result, England couldn't hold possession and frequently resorted to hopeless long-balls out of the back.

The most frustrating thing has to be that it's been shown, repeatedly, that Gerrard and Lampard as a combination in the middle of the field works only on paper. In practice, both players are too similar to really work together. In their club teams, they each have a defensive presence to hold down the space behind them (Makalele in the case of Chelsea, Hamman/Sissoko in the case of Liverpool) and link-up players in front of them (Cole/Robben/Duff and Luis Garcia/Cisse).

The England line-up has neither, meaning that two central gaps are created, between the midfield and the defense and between the midfield and the forwards. Meaning that you see a lot of balls played from the central defenders to the fullback to the winger back to the fullback back to the defender then bashed aimlessly upfield repeat 100 billion times until you want to stab your eyes out with a smashed Bass Ale.

Of course, Eriksson will never go to the obvious solution of dropping one of Lampard/Gerrard and putting a player like Hargreaves or Carrick into the lineup to play the role that Frings plays for Germany. Alternately, he could return to his experiment with the 4-5-1 and play only Crouch or Owen. Considering how ineffective they were today, it doesn't seem like much of a penalty.

Ideally, I would play a similar formation to that used by Chelsea, with the same back 4, Hargreaves/Carrck, Gerrard and Lampard in central midfield, then Cole and Rooney playing free/wing roles behind Owen. This would necessitate dropping David Beckham, perhaps the most tactically inflexible player for any of the major soccer powers, something that will never happen.

The most worrying part of the whole affair is that it fits perfectly into Eriksson's motif as manager of the England team: play well at the start, grab an early goal, retreat into your defensive third for the rest of the game and allow the other team time on the ball rather than killing the game off. Super.

So, in short, England should be good enough to get out of the group and then get crushed by a team of lesser talent after they resort to booting the ball upfield and letting the other team run at them.

Or lose on penalties.

World Cup Preview - Group H

2006-06-08T17:01:00.000-07:00

As we count down toward the World Cup Opening match on June 9th, The Middle Foam Finger will be offering capsule previews of each of the World Cup groups, one group per day.

Group H

Saudi Arabia
Spain
Tunisia
Ukraine

Spain should be offering up their thanks to the football gods right about now. Not even the Most Underachieving Team in World Football could manage not to advance from this group. I think.

Like always, Spain has an impressive array of talent at all positions, with the most overwhelming amount of class being in central midfield, where they can choose between Xavi, Xabi Alonso, Cesc Fabregas, Alberto Iniesta and David Albeda. Their defense is a little more questionable than you would imagine from looking at the players involved, as both Carlos Puyol and Michel Salgado are prone to the odd howler.

The presumed inclusion of Raul in the starting lineup is a real sticky wicket for the Spanish. On one hand, he has been the public face of the national team and Real Madrid for a long time. On the other hand, the 28-year-old hasn't had many good performances in the past two years and there are many whispers that his time is past, especially with the talents of David Villa and Fernando Torres available.

Tunisia is the settled side of African soccer in this World Cup, having made it to their third consecutive finals. Although they have not advanced past the group stage thus far, they have a good chance now, having been placed into one of the weaker groups.

Their chances will also be buoyed by their playing style, which puts an emphasis on staying compact and putting defense first. Even the two naturalized Brazilians that turn out for Tunisia are fairly dour. Without too many big names (right back Trabelsi being the biggest), Tunisia will depend on graft and opportunism in order to advance.

Saudi Arabia are trying to do their best to make people forget about their last world cup, where they were absolutely thrashed by Germany along with two other defeats. The problem last time around was that they didn't have the physical players to match up with the strength and quickness of the larger nations. This shouldn't be a problem against Tunisia; however, both the Ukraine and Spain will provide excellent tests as to whether the Saudis have made any progress since '02.

If they have, they could well replicate their performance in 1994, where they went through to the knock-out rounds before bowing out in extra-time against eventual 3rd-place finishers Sweden. With all of their players based in their domestic league, they are another one of the wildcard teams in this Cup and their status is unlikely to be revealed until their second group match against the Ukraine.

Ukraine is another one of the teams making their first appearance in the finals and they did so with a suprisingly strong performance in qualification, beating out Denmark, Turkey and Switzerland to the first spot in what was probably the toughest European group, becoming the first European team to qualify.

It's impossible to talk about this side without talking about Andriy Shevchenko, one of the most prolific strikers of his generation who recently announced his move from AC Milan to Chelsea. Even if opponents concentrate on keeping the ball away from him, this opens up space for the rest of the team to operate in and while the Ukraine doesn't boast many other stars, they should be able to exploit the openings that having Sheva wreaking havoc will create.

The Ukraine always viewed themselves as the footballing region of the former Soviet Union and must be relishing the chance to show the world what they have to offer on the world stage. With a stable of solid performers around Sheva, they have a good chance of making it to the elimination rounds.

These Finals Suck!

2006-06-08T16:15:00.000-07:00

Why I’ll Hardly Be Watching, But Rooting for the Heat Anyway.

I know, I know, it probably seems like all I do is ~~write~~ bitch about the NBA, but, well, actually, it’s true. But, see my angle – the college hoops season is over (Jim Calhoun will get his!).

So since all I do is hate on what really irks me about pro basketball (including my own team), I figure I’ll have a field day with this year’s NBA finals, including the two final teams, neither of which had the “Rosco Seal of Approval” entering the playoffs. And let me start by saying, I detest both teams in the Finals. But… I hate Miami a little less.

You know what’s really going to burn me about the eventual champ? That some of the following guys are going to get an NBA Championship Ring (with gold on it, and diamonds, and stickers):

Middle Foam Finger!

Antoine Walker
Isn’t enough that he has a college championship under his increasingly expanding belt? Do we have to give this mutant of a basketball player another reason to call himself a champion? I mean, at least at Kentucky, Pitino kept him in line a bit. He didn’t used to do that stupid shimmy dance after he hit his first three-pointer in four hundred attempts. See what hanging around Paul Pierce gets you?!?

Jason Terry
So this guy has a peanut for a head right? I mean, it doesn’t just look like a peanut – I think it IS a peanut. Have you seen the decisions this guy has made? He got kicked out of Atlanta. A-t-l-a-n-t-a! I don’t even think I have to mention his headband – it’s SPRING-loaded. That thing is going to shoot off his head and kill someone (you read it here first). I think he's too into punching people in the goobs. Pass the ball, asshole!

Keith Van Horn
I’m not as big a Van Horn-hater as most Americans seem to be. After all, he must be of Dutch descent. But, really, does this guy deserve an NBA ring? He deserves that as much as I deserve a kick in the pants – uh, scratch that.

Erick Dampier
Can this hack win an NBA Championship? He is four games away, which is pretty scary. The good part is that when he matches up against Shaq, his drawers will be “dampier” than a 13-day-old’s diaper.

Jason Williams
White Chocolate is the bitch of chocolates, which makes Jason “Wannabe Jay” Williams the bitch of NBA point guards. Get your street-hustling, non-committal, jack-‘em-up game outta here.

Jerry Stackhouse
He thinks he’s Michael Jordan. Michael Jordan thinks he’s a punk. I think I agree with MJ.

But, on the other side, kudos to any of these guys if they win:

Foam Thumbs Up!

Shaquille O’Neal
I only really care about Shaq because this would be the ultimate FU to Kobe. Come to think of it, can’t Shaq get a new tattoo that reads, “FUK?”

Udonis Haslem
He is perhaps my favorite player in the finals (because Podkolzin isn’t playing). He’s a tough workhorse and he doesn’t complain about minutes or touches – give this guy a ring for not being a douche. Also, he has a wicked arm and can fling his mouthpiece faster than Marcus Vick can sling his Glock.

Josh Howard and Dirk Nowitzki
The only Mavericks I can stand. These guys are real basketball players. Josh plays a lot of good defense here and there, but I like the both of them for their offensive tenacity and persistence. Also, they don’t punch people in the balls (that being said, can Portland sign Reggie Evans? We could use a good nob-jabber).

[Aside: 24/7 tried to make the point to me that Howard is the real leader of the Mavs, probably only to back up his “not really contradicting himself” rooting for the Mavs, but not wanting a Euro-led team to win the NBA championship. So in other words, it’s a good pile of bulls’ shit.]

Derek Anderson
I’m really only rooting for him because he’s an ex-Blazer. Since he donned the great uniform, he gets a Foam Thumbs Up from me. I mean, you can’t tell me Derek isn’t looking as debonair as possible in this picture. Look at the fit he’s got – all genuine class. Only one person made this jersey look bad – I won’t name names, but let’s just say he plays for the Nuggets now, and he’s about as talented as one of those spicy golden nuggets I drop in the toilet bowl each morning.

Michael Doleac
I admit that I have a soft spot for goofy looking white centers, and you could probably figure out on your own that my own biases for Mr. Doleac reside a lot in the fact that he calls P-Town home. He also went to Utah and was coached by Rick Majerus. And Rick Majerus is fat. And fat people are funny.

Avery Johnson
I really liked him as a player, but I am unsure of him as a coach. Obviously, he’s done a great job (kind of nice following Don Nelson, ain’t it?). But, he is part of the Mavericks, and that, my friends, is a giant no-no in my book (least favorite teams in the west: (1) Lakers, (2) Mavericks). But, on the bright side, he does have the biggest mouth in the entire universe – he’s got to be in the Guinness Book of World Records, he’s GOT to be. That thing could envelope an Airbus 380.

What to look for in these finals

Dwyane Wade burns everyone.
Mr. "I Have Two Moves But It Doesn’t Matter Because I Am Too Fast" shouldn’t have trouble beating even the Mav’s best defenders (Daniels, Howard). Just remember this, Dallas, if he goes left – pull up jumper. If he goes right – strong to the lane. But, all in all, it won’t matter, Dallas, but it’s good to know it anyways, so that when he does burn you, you can say to yourself, “Yep, that’s what he did alright, I’ll be.” Then you can scrape yourself off the floor.

Dirk scores 30 ppg.
This ought to be the Dirk show. Just like there won’t be any defending Wade, no one on the Heat roster will match up with Dirk and he’ll make impossible jumpers look routine. And since he’s German, he might shit on the Heat both figuratively and literally.

Shaq slaps Dampier.
All right, maybe we won’t see this, but wouldn’t it be great? I would love to see a Shaq-sized Ostertag slap on this bitch of an NBA center (the “best center in the West,” my ass).

NBA Finals Ennui

In short, ugh. These finals, while they should be pretty competitive, don’t have the luster to draw me in.

Considering it’s World Cup season, I think I’ll watch a good 30 minutes of the NBA finals. Mr. Stern you should have fixed the playoffs better!

Final Prediction: Heat in 6.

World Cup Preview - Group G

2006-06-07T22:06:00.000-07:00

As we count down toward the World Cup Opening match on June 9th, The Middle Foam Finger will be offering capsule previews of each of the World Cup groups, one group per day.

Group G
France
South Korea
Switzerland
Togo

Firstly, a Middle Foam Finger declaration of sympathy for France striker Djibril Cisse, who broke his leg today (the right one, after he destroyed his left one with a brutal double break last year in one of the literally sickest injuries ever seen), 2 days before the start of the World Cup. Regardless of what you think of the dude (and I have to say that I like his totally insane style), that's got to suck.

Of course, as Rosco pointed out, when your squad replacement is either Anelka or Ludovic Giuly, you can't feel too bad for the French. It's not like Cisse, as good as he can be when he's on song, was a focal point of their plans, considering that they have Henry and Trezeguet up top.

Looking at the team sheet, France should be one of the favorites to win the Cup. Yet, the lineup by itself is bereft of the context of the poor performances of the past 4 years and the fact that their qualification campaign was only rescued by the return of Makalele, Thuram and Zidane from retirement.

Zizou is emblematic of the squad, as he still has the technique and vision to compete; however, he doesn't seem comfortable tactically and it's obvious that he doesn't have the energy for 90 minutes of effort (in fact, it might be closer to 60). With a coach who doesn't seem to know what he's doing and a team that reflects this, France is a decent bet to make it out of the group stage and most likely little else.

Last go-round, South Korea made it all the way to the semi-finals on the strength of a super-fit team that specialized in pressuring from the top and forcing other teams into mistakes. In theory, this formula should work again. The only problems are:

- lack of homefield advantage
- unlikely to receive same amount of lucky calls (possibly related to above)
- a much much much much MUCH worse coach

Both of these are fairly major. It's been noted that just being on your home soil and surrounded by rabid supporters gives teams a serious boost and the Koreans received possibly the best fan support of any host nation ever, which may have helped explain why the Koreans were the beneficiaries of some of the more questionable calls in the World Cup, including having 2 Spanish goals called back when they should have stood.

And possibly most importantly, they traded in Guus Hiddink for Dick Advocaat. As anybody who's followed Dutch football could tell you, that's not a very good deal. His performance in Euro 2004 was atrocious, even as the Dutch made the semi-finals. The reduction of quality in the gaffer position and the loss of homefield advantage means that South Korea should do well to advance into the knockout rounds.

Switzerland is not usually regarded as a sleeping giant. When your main claims to fame are neutrality, cheese, chocolate and Orson Welles talking shit about you in The Third Man, you may get credit for being sleepy, less so for your potential greatness.

That said, the Swiss side has a real air of quality around them this year. They seem to be coming into the tournament on a run, they have an exceptional coach, they've got good players at all the positions and they've managed to avoid being placed in a dangerous group. This is an excellent recipe for advancing to the knockout stages, with the potential of becoming this year's "surprise team" and possibly making it all the way to the semis.

The key for the Swiss will be the play of striker Alexander Frei. They cannot afford a repeat of his Euro 2004 performance, where he was the second player send home for spitting at an opponent (the other being Italy's Francesco Totti). Unfortunately, we won't get to see Switzerland's exciting youngster Jonathan Vonlathen, as he is out with a thigh injury. Marco Stresser will likely be the player asked to take his place as the second striker.

Togo, like Angola, is a bit of a wildcard. With only one player that even a dedicated fan will have heard of (Arsenal's Adebayor), Togo could lose every game 4-nil or ride a good run into the quarters. There has been some shakiness with the squad, as the coach that got them through qualification was fired in January for a poor performance at the African Nations Cup and there has been some ugliness between the team and the national FA regarding payment and bonsues.

Considering these events and the relative unknown nature of most of the team, it would be easy to assume that Togo is going to be easy prey for the other countries in Group G. This would be too glib (shoutout to Matt Lauer), considering that these events could also have a galvanizing effect on the team and the unknown nature of the Togolese players could well be an advantage. While a poor performance seems more likely than a good one, it would be unwise to count out a team about which we know very little.

World Cup Preview - Group F

2006-06-06T10:07:00.000-07:00

As we count down toward the World Cup Opening match on June 9th, The Middle Foam Finger will be offering capsule previews of each of the World Cup groups, one group per day.

Group F
Australia
Brazil
Croatia
Japan

Although some Australians and Japanese are quick to label Group F "The Group of Death", this is actually only the third-toughest group in the competition, although that shouldn't take away from the difficulty that both those nations will have in advancing. (As to why it isn't the G0D, it's that there are two elite teams in each of the two harder groups, with this group being closer to one elite team and 3 good teams.)

Bucking the alphabetical trend, let's start with Brazil. They are the strongest team in the field and the overwhelming favorite to win a consecutive World Cup, not to mention 3 out of the last 4 (in all of which they appeared in the final game). The star of the team and likely of the entire competition is Ronaldinho, who has already established himself as one of the Special Players, a talent that will be remembered by everybody who saw him play. He's joined in attack by a wealth of talent in Ronaldo, Adriano, Kaka and Robinho coming off the bench. None of these players had particularly good years with their club squads; however, it would be foolish to bet against them here, especially when they'll be surrounded by comparable talent.

Last time out, Brazil relied on a 3-5-1-1 formation that was build around 2 attacking wingbacks and two largely non-attacking midfielders in Kleberson and Gilberto Silva. This time around, the middle men are Emerson and Ze Roberto. While Emerson is a tremendously underrated two-way midfielder, it is interesting that the Brazilians are adopting a much more attacking formation and the question will have to be whether playing midfielders who will go forward will wind up biting them on the ass on defense.

The other question is whether they will play 4 or 5 in the back. Early indications are that they will go with 4, with 2 of those being Roberto Carlos and Cafu, meaning they have a grand total of 2 all-defense players on the pitch at any given time. This isn't as reckless as it sounds when you consider the ability of Brazil to hold the ball and to get back quickly, still, if the players up front stutter, Brazil could wind up like the 1982 squad, an offensive marvel that was snuffed by the stoic Italians.

The Aussies have recently become riled up by a comment made by US Coach Bruce Arena that they construed to mean that Australia is one of the weaker teams at the Cup. While the Aussies don't have much of a history in the competition, they do have a right to be somewhat optimistic, as they have a number of players playing in the best leagues in Europe.

Looking at the Oz roster, central defense is the area of concern as the players there are either aging, coming off of injuries or better suited to play on the flank. The hope must be that experienced keeper Mark Schwarzer will keep the defense organized and on alert. Like the Americans, the Aussies are a team first and should be difficult to break down, even for Brazil.

Croatia are a Middle Foam Finger favorite (courtesy of Rosco's globetrotting youth) and are a dangerous squad this time out, even if they don't have the attacking cachet of the legendary 1998 side. They've got quality all over the pitch without having an outstanding star, although creative midfielder (and son of the coach) Niko Krancjar has a chance to have a breakout performance.

The danger man will be Glasgow Rangers forward Dado Prso, who would make an excellent Bond villian if he decided to hang up his boots (taking this position from the former US international Jeff Agoos). Put into a tough group, I would expect the Croats to play Brazil for a draw and hope to beat the other two sides.

Japan has recently had a bit of a hubbub in their camp after Hidetoshi Nakata, one of the veteran players, announced that the team was in a shambles and not taking the competition seriously. Nakata has a reputation for being difficult to deal with and may also be speaking out due to a role of reduced importance as Nakamura takes over the playmaking duties.

Japan has a serious lack of options up top, especially since both of their top-choice strikers are nursing minor injuries. With a regional rivalry against Australia and being coached by a Brazilian, those games should come with added emotional weight, especially since Japan will likely have to beat Australia (and vice versa) to have a chance of advancing.

It'll never play in Wurzberg

2006-06-05T23:35:00.000-07:00

Not to go all Free Darko on you tonight; however, it's not easy to read Pat Forde's latest over on the worldwide leader and not come away with a nasty aftertaste. (As an aside, this article was written and posted before the article talking about the same column went up at FD. It's just something in the air!)

The premise starts out that stating that the Dallas Mavericks, if they win, will be the first NBA Champion to be led by a true Euro. Which is true enough and worthy of discussion. Even the talk of Euros playing the game in a different way deserves to be examined, with no less an authority than Kobe Bryant talking about Ginobli's dribbling technique and the recent theory that Nash's perpetual motion dribbling is somewhow soccer-inspired.

Unfortunately, the column quickly digresses into the favored land of the white middle-aged basketball writer, the decrying of the corrupted nature of the young (black) basketball player, more concerned with fame (black), money (black) and respect (black) than he is in learning how to box out (white) or shoot free throws (white).

One wonders how exactly Wade, Howard, Daniels, Harris and other young American players have managed to develop "fundamentals" at all.

The answer is that everybody is going to point fingers at Sebastian Telfair (possibly unfairly, possibly not) rather than talk about Wayne Simien. Forde's attack on American youth basketball reads less as an indictment of entropy taking apart the logistics of youth leagues as it is a condemnation of the ethics and philosophy of the current generation of young American players.

The most telling portion of the article being the following quote:

"...kids in Europe and elsewhere actually learned how to play the game."

Which is why the Warriors would be crazy to ever let my namesake go and why they're crazy to have given up so quickly on Skita. Quick! Trade for Jiri Welsch again!

Then, we return to the favorite dead horse of those who bring up these arguments: the performance of the US Basketball team, ignoring all the various details and complexities involved in international basketball, to place the blame not on poor squad selection (not all of that voluntary), inability to change strategies for a different rule set, etc; rather, the fault is clearly that America is the sick man of basketball youth development.

It is a disservice to Nowitzki to be claimed as an icon by the Play-The-Right-Way brigade. His game is closer to Rucker than it's true to Deustchland and it's more T-Mac than it is Mikan.

(RIP Ralph Wiley. You are sorely missed.)

World Cup Preview - Group E

2006-06-05T12:31:00.000-07:00

As we count down toward the World Cup Opening match on June 9th, The Middle Foam Finger will be offering capsule previews of each of the World Cup groups, one group per day.

Group E
Czech Republic
Ghana
Italy
USA

The mini-Group of Death. The Group of Small Deaths? The Group of Mortification?

The Czech Republic is making their "first appearance" in the Cup, which is a little misleading given the historical strength of Czechoslovakia. With one of the finest goalies in the world in Peter Cech and world-class talent in the midfield in the form of Nedved, Rosicky and Poborsky, the Czechs are a very good team. Many observers (including myself) felt that the Czechs played the best football at Euro 2004 and were unlucky to go out against Greece in the semi-finals.

Still, the Greece game shows that as good as the Czechs are, they can still be frustrated and part of this is due to their inconsistency up front. As good as Baros and Koller are, neither of them are real goal-poachers and tend to score in patches. If Baros can find his form from Euro 2004, the Czechs are a threat for, well, let's say the semis, if not the finals.

Ghana are another debutant, although they also have a history as the best team in Africa never to have made the World Cup. The Black Stars always seemed to be on the brink of becoming a powerhouse and this year could finally be the payoff. The strength of the team is in the midfield, where Michael Essien (Chelsea), Sulley Muntari (Udinese) and Stephen Appiah (ex- of Juventus, now at Fenerbahce) are world-class talents.

The rest of the squad is loaded with reliable veterans such as Sammy Kuffour and fresh youngsters like Asamoah Gyan, as well as having a number of reliable keepers, a rarity for an African team. Having no outstanding striker is the only weak spot for Ghana and must come as some consolation to the other teams in Group E. Ghana would probably be a favorite to advance in any other group.

And then there's the seeded team, Italy. Coming off the Italian match-fixing scandal, there's some hope that it could adversely affect the Italians, which would be good news for the other teams in the group and really, any team hoping to win the World Cup, as the Italians have an extremely strong side.

The defense isn't actually as good as it has been in years past, as there's no Maldini to lead them and many of the players still around have quite a bit of wear on their treads. The midfield still looks to be built around Pirlo distributing from deep and Camorenasi cutting in from the right. The key for Italy will be whether the talismanic Totti will be able to play at his peak of ability since if he does, Italy could well win the whole schmeer. Totti will have the advantage of playing behind a number of talented strikers, as the Azzuri will probably start the bullish Luca Toni and Alberto Gilardino up top with experienced forward Alessandro Del Piero coming off the bunch. As super-subs go, you can't ask for much more than that. And that's not even counting the ultimate poacher, Pippo Inzaghi.

However, f Italy plays their standard style of catenaccio, the whole thing could blow up in their face. With so much attacking talent, it doesn't make sense to sit back and allow a lesser team to keep the game close. If the Italians cast off their tactical shackles and come forward, they should be one of the favorites to win the Cup. If they stick with their preferred style of defense first, they may well get tipped out early.

And finally, the United States. Fast, strong, reliant on preventing other teams from playing their game, the Americans are a threat to upset the big teams in this group and are also a threat to not get a point out of any of the games. I feel that it will depend on which team scores first, as the US prefers to counter-attack rather than having to chase the game. This will probably result in the Americans playing for a tie against Italy and possibly the Czechs then playing for the win against Ghana.

Really, you could make an argument for the US being out-matched at almost every position on the field by all three of the other teams, with the exception of goalkeeper and striker in comparison to Ghana. The key for the US will be to maintain tactical discipline and not allow the other team to dictate play. Although this doesn't make for classic games, it's definitely the best chance that the US has for advancing.

World Cup Preview - Group D

2006-06-04T11:01:00.000-07:00

As we count down toward the World Cup Opening match on June 9th, The Middle Foam Finger will be offering capsule previews of each of the World Cup groups, one group per day.

Group D
Angola
Iran
Mexico
Portugal

Group D is supposed to be the weakest group in the World Cup, with motley collection of non-Euro, non-South American sides joining Portugal, who despite making it to the semis of Euro 2004, isn't even the seeded team in this group.

Portugal is still trying to move on from the "Golden Generation", a group of players who dominated at the youth tournament level and never achieved the same level of success with the senior team. Rui Costa is the major figure from the Golden Generation who is no longer on the team, although the squad still has a number of holdovers.

The Portuguese have suffered in recent compeitions from a lack of goal production. The closest they've come to producing a top-level striker is Pauleta, who led the scoring charts in France last year; however, he has a tendency to be marked out of the game in international competitions, especially in the big games. Part of this is because Pauleta is not a big man and Portugal prefers to play him as a lone forward, meaning that it's easy for an experienced defense to isolate him from his supply line.

Portugal should advance to the second round, whether they make it any farther will probably be contingent on Coach Scolari deciding to play with a second striker or if Cristiano Ronaldo and Deco provide goal-scoring from the midfield.

To give the match a nice twist of possible colonial revenge, Portugal's ex-colony of Angola has been drawn into the same group. With a few Portuguese-born players in their team and a history of clashes when the two teams play, this game has potential to be a classic. Most people seem to be assuming that Angola will be lucky to record a single draw, although a couple Latin American pundits have theorized that they will come out of the group as a surprise team. With not much of a history to go on, they should probably be regarded as a wildcard.

Mexico are the seeded team in the group, thanks to their play in competitions such as the Confederations Cup and the Copa America, as well as their club teams playing in Latin American club cups. El Tri follows the general North American trend of fielding fast and physical squads, although they're the most technically gifted of the CONCACAF sides.

Plus, they cheat! Teams that play dirty (see: Argentina, Germany) generally tend to do well in international play, although you can't go all the way in that direction, as you can see in the case of Uruguay.

I have a feeling that Iran is being under-rated by many people. They have a solid core of players used to international play (many of them being based out of Germany) and if you'd forgotten, they did beat the US back in France '98. Remember, as the Germans say, "The ball is round" and any team with some quality stands a fairly good chance of beating a "better" team.

World Cup Preview - Group C

2006-06-03T11:24:00.000-07:00

As we count down toward the World Cup Opening match on June 9th, The Middle Foam Finger will be offering capsule previews of each of the World Cup groups, one group per day.

Group C
Argentina
Holland
Ivory Coast
Serbia & Montenegro

This is widely acknowledged as this year's "Group of Death", denoting a group where every team would have had a reasonable chance of advancing if they hadn't been drawn in a group with 3 other teams with a reasonable chance of advancing. There's a 2-time World Cup Champion, a former European Championship winner that's widely regarded as the best team never to win a World Cup, the strongest African team in the competition and a team that allowed a single goal in their 10-game World Cup Qualification campaign.

It's a real shame that two of the most attractive teams in world football are in the same group and if you've seen pictures of Carlos Tevez and Dirk Kuijt, you know I'm not talking about personal appearances.

Argentina, who can field a team with Tevez, Leo Messi, Juan Roman Riquelme and Hernan Crespo all on the pitch at the same time, rivals Brazil in terms of attacking talent. Unlike previous Argentinian teams, their defense is a real question mark, with a bunch of aging or untested defenders and no reliable goalkeeper. Given this, it's not surprising that this team is more attack-minded than previous Argie squads and more concerned with holding the ball than kicking at the other team. Or at least we can hope.

The Dutch come in the World Cup as another squad in transition. Coach Marco Van Basten has cleansed the squad of malcontents, dropping Davids, Seedorf and Makaay to name the big names. He seems to prefer the classic Ajax 4-3-3, consisting of the English back 4 with attacking fullbacks, 3 central midfielders and a forward line consisting of two wingers and a central striker.

In Arjen Robben they have one of the premier left wingers in the world, if he can stay healthy. On the other side, Van Basten seems to prefer Kuijt despite the fact that he generally plays centrally. If center striker Ruud Van Nistlerooy has issues with finishing, don't be surprised if Kuijt is moved to the middle position and Ryan Babel or Romeo Castelen come in on the right.

Everybody seems to be slagging on the Ivory Coast, with the exception of certain Latin American writers, who seem to recognize that anytime you get a fast and physically strong team with an experienced and confident striker up top, there's a definite possibility for upsets, especially when there's no pressure on the team, or at least no pressure compared to the insanity that both the Dutch and Argentinian team will have to endure. Having two defenders on a team that reached the Champions League final can't hurt either, and I fully expect the Ivorians to surprise a few people.

European writers also like to harp on the fact that African teams tend to be "reckless" and "hot-headed", which is shorthand for the fact that Africans are still regarded as savages by people who really ought to know better. Given the racism problems in European football, we shouldn't be surprised.

Speaking of racism in European football, we have the Serbs! I fully admit that I dislike these guys, mainly because their domestic game seems to be dominated by dimbulb racist hooligans and the fact that they've produced a number of complete and total shit-cock "politicians" who were nothing more than hired thugs.

This isn't helped by the fact that their team is dominated by their defense, with the main attacking option being Mateja "Neck Beard" Kezman. Unfortunately, the strategy of defense-first and run a counter-attack is incredibly successful in football and I fully expect them to be instrumental in knocking out either the Dutch or the Argies. I won't mind so long as they get beat by the Ivorians.

World Cup Preview - Group B

2006-06-02T11:43:00.000-07:00

As we count down toward the World Cup Opening match on June 9th, The Middle Foam Finger will be offering capsule previews of each of the World Cup groups, one group per day.

Group B
England
Sweden
Paraguay
Trinidad & Tobago

England came into the World Cup as one of the favorites to win the whole thing, mainly on the fact that they have a pretty good team plus one of the most exciting players in the world, Wayne Rooney. Famous for his incredible goals and relentless play (and infamous for his problems with gambling and humping grannies), Roons managed to go and break his foot late in the English season, meaning that he's questionable for the World Cup.

Of course, this has created a media circus that threatens to be so over-the-top that "circus" may not even appropriate anymore. Regardless of his injury, Rooney will be going to Germany with the English team and hopefully taking some of the media attention away from Beckham, AKA Mr. Posh.

Beckham has been fighting against a backlash in his native land, as he apparently isn't "English" enough. Hmm, let's see, he's rich, he's popular around the world, he's actually fairly good-looking and so is his wife. I guess they're right.

All mocking the English aside, Becks is a bit of an albatross since he can really only play one position, that being out on the right wing and while his excellent crosses compensate for his lack of pace on the offensive end, he remains a defensive liability. That, and his famous red cards and missed penalties sum up the English tendency to crap the bed (or, if you prefer, "pull a Davenport") in big games.

A tendency that leads me to believe that they will get pipped for the top group spot by Sweden, will have to face the Germans in the second round and will probably lose to The Hun on penalties.

Sweden has a solid and workmanlike team until you get to the forward position, where they have two of the best strikers in the competition.

Okay, Larsson is old and Ibrahimovic had a poor year with Juventus, still, they're both class and have played together enough to be very dangerous. Not dangerous enough to make up for the mediocrity of the rest of the squad (note to Freddie Ljungberg: No, you're not that good anymore); they should be able to make it to the second round and probably the quarterfinals though.

Paraguay is a dull team. Expect all their matches to be either 0-0 or 1-0 as Paraguay kicks lumps out of anybody with the temerity to go across the halfway line, whether they have the ball or not. Without the completely insane Chilavert in net, there isn't much to say about them, so let's not.

It's tough to write anything about Trinidad and Tobago without falling down the well of "cheeky little team, what upstarts, if they win a game, it's ganja for everybody for months". They've even got a token white player who, like most of the rest of the team, plays in the English lower divisions, oooh, the underdogginess of it all is enough to make me barely keep my breakfast down. I'm still rooting for them though, even if the whole thing seems like a Disney setup.

World Cup Preview - Group A

2006-05-31T23:44:00.000-07:00

As we count down toward the World Cup Opening match on June 9th, The Middle Foam Finger will be offering capsule previews of each of the World Cup groups, one group per day.

Group A
Germany
Costa Rica
Poland
Ecuador

Ah, the host group. This group should be more competitive than you think, with every team in the group having a reasonable shot at advancing. Only Germany seems to be a lock to go through to the next round.

If the tournament were being played anywhere else, I'm not sure if Germany would warrant that distinction, since this is a fairly weak squad. Ever since the final death of the old guard in France '98, Germany has been struggling to find a solid core of players. Michael Ballack is world-class, one of the very few box-to-box midfielders in the entire sport; however, the rest of the team is questionable.

The real problem seems to be that Coach Klinsmann prefers a system that depends on mobile defenders who are comfortable with the ball at their feet building up play from the back, an admirable style that runs into the problem of there not being any German players that really match this description. The attempt to overhaul the defense is part of a greater overall change, as the Germans appear to be in transition, abandoning the physical and deliberate style that has been their trademark since the early 80s (oddly enough the style that allowed Klinsmann to flourish and claim a World Cup in 1990) and trying to be more fluid and attacking (some kind of liquid football perhaps).

I say good luck to that and also not-so-secretly hope that the Germans knock out the English on penalties in the second round (a combination of a first-place and second-place finish between the two of them would produce this matchup) before losing in the quarterfinals (probably to Argentina).

(It should also be noted that Jens Lehmann and Oliver Kahn both continue the trend of German goalies being unsufferable pricks, a tradition dating back to Toni Schumacer back in '82.)

Costa Rica is a bogey team in that they're fast and physically strong, which can make for a tough opponent as long as they don't give up the early goal. So long as they can sit back and make life difficult for the other team, they'll be tough. If they have to go forward, they'll probably get eviscerated. The real reason why things will be tough is that to my knowledge, they've never produced a goalie that was better than "above average".

Ecuador is, supposedly, a team built around the old German style of defend first, defend second, kick them third and score on a set-piece fourth. This is actually a pretty decent way to go about things in international soccer and they have what I would judge to be a slightly-better chance than Costa Rica for pulling it off. Everybody seems to be hating on Ecuador for winning most of their matches at home, which just happens to be 9,000 feet above sea level. Well, fuck you guys, the Broncos still won two Super Bowls. I'm not sure that I could name a single player on the team aside from Ivan Hurtado and Ivan Kaviedes; they're still a Middle Foam Finger favorite only because Rosco lived there for a while and I was there for a short time in high school.

Poland has a team of reliable professionals who will probably give Germany a hard time and are a good bet to beat either of the other two sides. They seem to play the standard game for middle-of-the-road European teams (see also: Belgium, Switzerland, Hungary, Bulgaria, etc.) in that they play some kind of 442 and rely more on the other team fucking up than actually breaking down a defense. The fact that they can choose between the reliable-yet-not-spectacular Artur Boruc and the sometimes-spectacular-sometimes-horrid-always-a-nutter Jerzy Dudek as goalkeeper gives them a serious advantage over both of the Latin American teams. Extra points for having a player nicknamed "The Hash Bomber" (and yes, they mean that kind of hash). Extra extra points for Ebi "The Hash Bomber" Smolarek receiving his nickname while playing at Rosco's club of choice, Feyenoord Rotterdam.

I'm Here

2006-05-25T14:14:00.000-07:00

Rosco's Lotto Fever

2006-05-24T12:32:00.000-07:00

The NBA Draft Lottery was last night, so I must throw in my top 14 Mock Draft just like everyone else on the internet has. The difference is, uh, there is no difference...

1. Toronto Raptors - Andrea Bargnani (SF/PF Italy)
Earlier I dubbed him the Genoa Salami of NBA meats, but because of the rumors swirling around about his whining and moaning - generally being Generale Douchebaganno - I am going to rename him the Hormel mass-processed Pepperoni Loaf. Toronto ought to have a fun time with Bargnani, Villenueva, and Bosh in their frontcourt. That is - if none of them break in half.

2. Chicago Bulls - LaMarcus Aldridge (PF/C Texas)
Those of you that know me, ought to know that LaMarcus is my boy. It really has nothing to do that he is from my alma mater. Actually, wait, it does. He's a gifted post player with the frame and the need to add on some bulk. Maybe he should eat Bargnani as a light snack and finish it off with a side of Redick. Chicago will like this pick because it gives them something Tyson Chandler doesn't have - talent.

3. Charlotte Bobcats - Adam Morrison (SF Gonzaga)
Another one of my boys, I have the flop hair and 'stache to prove it. Everyone's comparing him to Wally Szczerbiak, but I honestly think he'll be better. His work ethic transcends that of Wally, and he head butts people. That makes him aces in my book. I really hate to see him in Charlotte (and those Redick lovers down there will too). He's unfortunately going to be teamed up with all those "I'm staying at North Carolina, just not college" wizards of rhetoric Felton and May. But, on the plus side Gerald Wallce, aka AK47 Lite, will be around.

4. Portland Trailblazers - Brandon Roy (SG Washington)
Ah, the Swiss Army knife in the draft. Quite frankly, if there is any team that needs a Swiss Army knife, its my Blazers. Last year, we were a magnifying glass, a bottle opener, and a tiny pair of scissors away from a mediocre season - which is to say, we had a horrible, horrible, horrible season. I love this guy's versatility and his all-round talent. He's the type of player that can make Sebastian, Martell, and Mr. Outlaw so much better. He also allows us to get rid of Darius "Frequent Air" Miles.

5. Atlanta Hawks - Tyrus Thomas (PF LSU)
An exciting pick, and I would consider him the dark horse of the draft. I am just very unsure how he will turn out in the NBA. I hope he succeeds, but seriously, can someone who was only noticed for three games in the postseason garner NBA-wide attention (cough, Jerome James, cough). Oh, and he is 6'9, which means he is a LOCK for the Hawks to draft him.

6. Minnesota Timberwolves - Rudy Gay (SF UConn)
Yes, get it out of your systems, his last name is "Gay." Hahaha, everyone. Oh wait, that is going to be on NBA jerseys? They will be marketed and sold? Well, that is funny. Who knows what the Wolves'll do here, but with all the KG trade rumors and noting that the Wolves' starting 3 is Rickery-Dickery Davis, I can only imagine that the Wolves spin this one as "taking the best player in the draft," but really, just covering their ass (eh Gay? eh?).

7. Boston Celtics - Shelden Williams (C Duke)
He torched Boston College last year in Boston, and I am hoping a Celtics scout was on hand to see him out-muscle pratically everyone in the college game. I still contend he was the best player on Duke last year, despite the awards. He could be the beast in the paint the Celtics have been searching for ever so unsuccessfully with people like Mark "Sleepy" Blount and Kendrick "I show up when I want to" Perkins.

8. Houston Rockets - Rodney Carney (SF Memphis)
This guy is somewhat of an enigma for this draft. He is so athletically gifted, but at the same time shows flashes of Mensa-level Basketball IQ. He could turn out to be anything from Darius Miles (you know my thoughts) to Tracy McGrady. So why wouldn't the Houston want to gamble to get two T-Macs? I mean, then you have a spare when one is injured. This move would also even out the Rockets starting five and give them absolutely no hope to win a long-range battle - but their dunks would be pretty spectacular.

9. Golden State Warriors - Randy Foye (PG Villanova)
I am not sure how BopCity and the Electric Zarko (both Warrior fans) would feel about this pick, but I think it might be the best of all worlds for them. He's an East Bay type player from the East Coast and could immediately fit in for the Warriors, you know, because Baron will only play three games next year. I think the Warriors make this move, as Monta seems to be more of a 2 and less a viable 1. Foye really does have the same qualities of a Chauncey Billups, in the sense that he does what it takes for his team, and I could easily see the undersized backcourt as an NBA fad to come. Now, if they could just move J-Rich to the 3 and bundle up Dunleavy and Murphy - not in a trade, per se, but in a blanket before throwing them off the Bay Bridge.

10. Seattle Supersonics - Ronnie Brewer (SG/SF Arkansas)
Seattle's two biggest concerns outside of David Stern and his "carpet pull trick" are Ray Allen's arthritis and Rashard Lewis' exit plans - so why not get someone who, if needed, could fill in either role? He may not have the range that either player has, but if he's the next Joe Johnson (like so many draft experts that cannot think of comparisons outside of race or school), then you better believe they'll jump on that opportunity.

11. Orlando Magic - J.J. Redick (SG Duke)
I am about to write about J.J. Redick - it's tearing me up inside. I think he is a fine outside shooter, but I don't see much beyond that. Apparently, many sportswriters did and he won the Wooden Award, the Naismith Award, and the Irving J. Douchebag Award. Since this is a mock draft, I have to mimic actual picks, and sometimes (if not most times) picks are bad. This one is bad. Redick = good college player. Redick = tweener. Redick = Shawn Respert (remember that pick, Portland?).

12. New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets - Patrick O'Bryant (C Bradley)
Top center in the draft, best available player for need. 'Nuff said. Okay, I'll say some more. Despite what you might think, Patrick is NOT Irish. Actually, I think he's the first center in the draft that weighs more than 250 lbs since Shaq. Actually, I could be wrong, but it sure seems it doesn't it? Sure Patrick went to a school named for a sissy, preppy boys name, but should that take anything away from his stock? Yes, yes it should.

13. Philadelphia 76ers - Marcus Williams (PG UConn)
Let's move A.I. back to the 2, whaddya say Mr. Cheeks? Marcus is the best pure point guard in the draft and could instantly work within an A.I./Iguodala focused offense. At this point I am assuming Chris Webber will be on a milk carton somewhere, if not on the Knicks (they would seriously be the only ones to take him on, am I right?). Additionally, there are so many computers in Philadelphia to keep Marcus busy.

14. Utah Jazz - Mardy Collins (PG/SG Temple)
The combo guard could work nicely in Utah, even though they don't seem to appreciate black basketball players (Sloan, you are near the top of my shit list). But, come on, Utah, his name is Collins, that could be white, right? He's the best player available, so just take him. Fine, take Whiteboy O'Talentless, doesn't bother me...
...
Somewhere in the 20s. Los Angeles Lakers - Stiff McBoogerDouche (SF/PF/C Sam Houston Institute of Technology)
They are going to draft someone no one has ever heard of and no one will ever again.

That's all for now. I hope I have fulfilled your jones for Laker-hating, Jazz-hating, Redick-hating mock drafts.

Until the next time, keep it real and hope, just hope, that Matt K and/or BopCity adds to the blog sometime, somwhere.

(P.S. Since we got screwed this year, can you give us the number one pick next year, NBA? I appreciate it.)

WTF?

2006-05-23T13:01:00.000-07:00

"They keep making jokes about how international our team is with soccer jibes! Make them stop, please make them stop!"

("Now they are making fun of Bruce's tendency to end people's careers! Once is funny!")

His protests go unheeded

2006-05-23T12:04:00.000-07:00

Ref! Zee German does 'andball! Zees ees a yellow card! Alors!

Bruise Bowen

2006-05-23T11:54:00.000-07:00

"He injured himself!"

Leave 'Sheed Alone, You Retarded Zebras!

2006-05-17T21:16:00.000-07:00

Oh boy, am I steamed! I had tried to put it behind me, hoped that it would improve. It hasn't.

I would like to extend a middle foam finger to the guys (and girls) in black and white.

Officials in sports are getting worse. Actually, they are getting dumber, blinder, and more corrupt. You would think at least that one of those could be easily rectified thanks to modern science and some well-placed lasers. However, at this point, I would rather the lasers be used to burn a goddamn hole in those referee douchebags. Can we make bad calls a capitol punishment?

Bad officiating has long run rampant, but only recently has it become unbelievably excruciating. Now there are three possible causes for this - let's go to the tape:

1. I am getting older, and hence, more crotchety.
2. Officials are relying too much on technology, other officials.
3. Steve Javie.

Right off we can throw #1 right out the f-in window. F anyone who thinks so, bastards. Let's just get a fair game, you terd-bombs.

The second option sure is plausible, f-in irresponsible adults. Make the calls, balls-less! Or, if you are one of the few female officials out there, grow a couple!

The third, well come on. You figure it out. I'm a Blazers fan. I'm a Rasheed Wallace fan. I am not a Javie fan. You put that jigsaw together, dumbass.

Whether it's the Superbowl, the NBA playoffs, or friggin' Serie A soccer over in Italia, you've got officials that probably would be shot in more open-thinking countries. I'm not going to go into major detail about the whole Juventus scandal - let's just say that it doesn't help the officials' cause - nor does it help the cause of sports owners (don't get me started!).

Need I mention the Superbowl? I felt I was pretty partisan for the game, but I was pretty sure those refs were sitting pretty in their jacuzzis full of hundred-dollar bills courtesy Tagliabue after that debacle. No East Coast Bias, my ass (don't get me started!).

How about these NBA playoffs? Does anyone get the idea that the Association of National Basketball is catering a little bit to its most marketable star? Is it a coincidence that this league, a monarchy if there ever was one, might be skimming a little on the side on behalf of their King James? Hmmm. Maybe.

Maybe it is all a ploy to get a star-run team further into the playoffs and leave the ultimate team-run team behind. If I was Detroit, I would gather up the entire arsenal from 8-Mile and pay a little visit to league headquarters, with only the most honorable intentions in mind, I *swear*.

But seriously though, this is how bad officiating has been. Leagues have now instituted instant replay. Superficially, this says to the average George McIdiot that now calls will be backed up and reviewable - nothing bad will EVER happen. Ask any Alexander Sports-A-Lot about how this has worked to this point and he'll tell you it's just a major heap of horse stool. In turn, sports videogames now have to substitute their never-fail officiating for more "realistic" officials that F calls up on a regular basis.

Sure, everyone is a bit fallible, but how about we as a sports community stand up and tell these douchebags that they're not the only ones out there. Communicate you SoB's. Get your story straight, and stop T'ing up 'Sheed.

Santa H. Claus!

I mean, it's two thousand F-in six. Aren't we supposed to have flying cars by now? Can we at least get some roboreferees in there? Do we still have to employ these inept flesh pods?

Let's get failed OCP project ED-209 on the scene. You know he wouldn't take any sass! He might even "accidentally" terminate some of the more whiney players. Not to mention he would definitely take care of all those "fan" douchebags who jump into the field of play.

Don't get me started!

2006-05-15T16:18:00.000-07:00

"I was fouled in de box. De BOX! Is penalty! I am to go against keeper! Do not shit me!"

Whah Joe Thornton izza CANADIAN?!?!!? Him too!?!? Sheesh.

2006-05-15T13:40:00.000-07:00

Wow. Who would have thought that most of the San Jose Sharks would feel even more alienated and ridiculed in their own building than at Rexall in Edmonton. Well it happened, and it's pretty g-darn embarassing, but it's not the whole story. The 'Finger is going to actually do some journalism and explain Sharks fans were pissed in the first place, instead of being like every other lame sports writer's article belaboring the obvious, that Sharks fans messed up.

Hockey Night In Canada
After the Sharks bascially gave away game 3 while attempting to play prevent defense for a whole period (Triple OT never sucked so bad) Sharks fans were a little upset at their team. Things were made worse by having to watch douchebag Raffi Torres score the game tying goal two days after his dirty elbow would cause Milan Michalek to miss 2 games . On top of all of this Sharks fans had to watch the game on homer network CBC, with their color commentator yelling "Shoot the Puck!" on an Edmonton power play like some lame ass girlfriend taking an active interest. In short, fans wanted revenge in game 4.

Game 4 --- *sigh*
In game four most Sharks fans probably got home early, bought a couple of hot dogs, thought of nothing Canadian, and drank a six pack of Budweiser with the rally towell on their head before the puck even dropped or the national anthems were sung....okay maybe I just did that. Buzzed or not, anyone who decided to watch game four in it's entirety witnessed what happened during the singing of "The Star Spangled Banner". Chants of "Lets Go Oilers" during most of the beginning of it, followed by boo's until almost the end of it. For the record, what was kinda cool was how everyone in the crowd sang "O Canada". Naturally, I called everyone (three) people I knew watching the game and asked if they could believe this crap. After the Sharks turned a blown lead into blow out (not in their favor), Sharks fans had had enough, they were going to show Canada what they thought of them when they got back to the Tank! And they did, and it was dumb. Damn who knew so many hockey players were Canadian...makes you think how many other professional athletes are Canadian.

Today I found out it was because they were showing Joe Thornton on the Jumbotron during the anthem, which caused fans to lose their composure during the anthem and boo, but so what?!? Who shows the opposing players on a Jumbotron when it is not the "kiss cam"? Someone in Edmonton was being a dick and trying to get fans riled up and it worked on both ends. Sharks fans, none of you could have known this, so I can sort of understand why you booed. What I don't get is there are so many other things for Sharks fans to really boo about. Here's a list I made.

Sharks 1-29 on the powerplay.
That's like...a goal every 29 powerplays.....

The Sharks Not Rocking the Black Jersey
They've just lost 3 in a row if they get back home it's time for a change. Plus those jersey's are just wicked awesome and make everyone look like a B.A.M.F

A lot of playoff tickets are company tickets, and they're given to geeks.
The only time they get loud is when they're talking over the crowd about disk caching.

Una Mas Nachos
What do you mean the beans cannot be removed from the nachos?! OMG, they're not even re-fried!!! Pineapple salsa?!?!I want my money back...puto.
(Ummm Editor's note: None of those guys are me, however, you can tell in the pic that these nachos suck just lookit the guy on the right!)

GO SHARKS!

The Lonely Life of the Real Superman

2006-05-13T16:41:00.000-07:00

One of the few questions to emerge from the first-round matchup with Arenas and the Wizards was whether The Once and Future King could drive to the basket with such apparent ease against a team who actually played defense. This question has been answered in the form of his 4th-quarter performance versus the Pistons today.

Yes, the Pistons performed poorly and the game was much more Detroit losing the game rather than the Cavs winning it. That said, even a flaccid performance overall does not mean that Detroit players had any less intensity on defense. That LeBron could take Prince off the dribble and get to the rack faster than the best help defenders in the league shows his physical ability and his ability to see openings not apparent to others. And of course the comparisons were made to Jordan. On one hand, the parallels are too many to ignore. He wears Jordan's number. He's the only star on the team. He's regarded as the team's future. His team seems doomed to lose to a physical Detroit Pistons team to the tune of 4-1.

These parallels obscure the fact that we are incapable of discussing future stars without comparing to Jordan, at least if the players in question are African-American. It's only natural that this is the case because Jordan is the first media superstar of the NBA, the first player to really take advantage of his public perception and create an iconic figure that was larger than the sport itself. Since this is America, he is regarded as the Alpha and Omega of sports marketing, even if you could realistically say that Jordan was just the NBA version of Pelé.

The other problem with these comparisons is that there's a distinct difference between James and Jordan. When LeBron was driving to the hoop, swishing that late 3 and dishing to the absolutely-disgusting-in-a-bad-way Damon Jones, I wasn't jumping out of my seat and whooping with exhiliration. I was nodding to myself, saying "nice play" and only later reflecting on the actual difficulty of these events.

I think of LeBron as a tragic figure even now, because he is stuck in a no-win situation. He is expected to create a Jordan-eque myth, as we can see by Scoop Jackson's latest, in which he half-boasting, half-deadpan refers to how LeBron will win 7 or 8 titles before his time is done. If LeBron fails to win all those trophies, he will have tarnished his image. If he does so, he will only be living up to expectations.

It is similar as to why his relentless drives to the hoop are lacking in electricity. There is no surprise or sudden epiphany to his game, just a player already recognized as superhuman exerting his will. Part of this problem is the man's game. Jordan was elasticity and acrobatics, James is all power and grace, so beyond the pale that he makes the impossible look effortless. James is the Real Superman, doing the incredible yet doing it so easily that we cannot sustain interest, spectacle reduced to the mundane through seeming omnipotence.

Killing Brain Cells One Dunk at a Time

2006-05-10T14:13:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I skewered (or lightly poked) at the Blazers front office, now I take aim at the on-court personnel. And really, I have no added beef substitute for most of the players, but I have been in head slap mode (not to be confused with the "head bop") since the Blazers acquired Mr. Miles some infinity ago.

Now this is nothing against Darius personally - he just happens to be a 24-year-old with millions upon millions of cold hard Blazer dinero.

Sure, Darius is athletic. Sure, he has some base level talent on which to build. Sure, his arms are fifteen feet long. But, Darius, and I say so with the utmost respect, please find yourself a rock to crawl under.

Darius came out of the, in hindsight, weakest draft of the latest NBA generation. And, from the looks of it, Darius still is one of the most talented out of that draft class. His rivals, you ask. Well, here you go:

Kenyon Martin (#1): A chronically injured, chronically overrated player, and he's out of the House of Huggins.... ugh.
Stromile Swift (#2): Remember that dunk on Yao? People say he's in Houston now.
Marcus Fizer (#4): Tearing up the NBDL.
Mike Miller (#5): Talented? Sure. Do I like him? No. Can I tell you why? No.
Jamal Crawford (#8)/Quentin Richardson (#18): Huh, they both play for the Knicks, and we all know the Knicks have no problems whatsoever.
Joel Przybilla (#9): Don't get me started on the Przydent - I love this guy, a great role player and can be pretty effective in a pick-and-roll offense - good thing Portland runs that all the time- nevermind.
Michael Redd (#43): Second Round? He is the only stud from this draft class. Oh, and the Blazers were a nano-iota from getting him for Zach Randolph (they were so close that I had to make up a word).

At the outset of last season, Darius proudly took it upon himself to be the leader of the team. Or, at least, that's what he promised. Being under 25 and a leader on a National Basketball Association Franchise is actually all well and good... if your name is LeBron James or Gilbert Arenas. If your name, however, is Darius Miles, it probably won't work out. You know what? It didn't.

Now this "leader" wants out. Fine by me, I say, good riddance (but, I really do hope you make something of yourself wherever you go, just, you know, don't let the door hit you in the bop zone on the way out). Of course, Blazer fans want something in return for him (as if he has done something to make himself a valuable trade commodity). I say throw him to the wolves to the highest bidder, which in all likelihood would be a Jalen Rose (or some other douche worth way less than his inked price).

Poor Darius - he has the upside one only sees once in a million, but a work ethic mirroring middle management. To sum up in an apt movie quote: "Get off my plane!" Er, make that franchise.

For the record, Darius is the Oscar Mayer® Processed Turkey Loaf of NBA meats.

We be doin' it 24/8/23

2006-05-09T00:59:00.000-07:00

An interesting bit of incite from Free Darko today, talking about Kobe Bryant and the now apocryphal Game 7 against the Suns. They particularly attack Skip Bayless, who eviscerates K.O.B.E. for the same reasons as our own esteemed Bopcity did in his most recent post. For one thing, SilverBird5000's point about Jordan is astute: as much as we believe in the myth of the man, we can never know what Jordan would have done without the conceptual impossibility of a time machine or other such ultimately impossible metrics.

(As an aside, Skip Bayless is a douchebag contrarian whose screechy screeds are derived from assuming the stance of devil's advocate for whatever story might be considering current in the scope of the Worldwide Leader. I have seen people praise Bayless on the basis of his voice being "different" from the majority of views offered up in the monolithic field of sports reporting, which is a bit like praising a child who shits on the floor for not feeling constrained by the pressures of society. To have him ranting against Kobe is almost enough to sway my sympathies entirely, which is a lot to say for a Warriors fan.)

The crux (crunx) of all of this distate with Kobe is the unavoidable comparisons with Jordan. The most diabolical part of these comparisons is that they are all based on Kobe's own desires and dreams. He has, in the literal sense of the phrase, brought this upon himself by comparing himself to Jordan, by framing himself within the context of His Airness, he has given a free pass for every basketball writer to treat him as Hardwood Icarus, his wings melted by firey self-righteousness fueled by his own arrogance, which is second only to that of the man whose shadow prevents Kobe from developing his own iconic silhouette.

FD takes a basketball realist approach to the whole problem, pointing out that as much as was attributed to Kobe and Nashty, the tides of battle rested more on the shoulders of the supporting casts. When Kwame, Luke and Smush played well, the Lakers won. When Shawn Marion woke up and Barbosa started getting hot, the Suns won. Whether connected or not, each team had a hot streak with a certain amount of overlap. While Nash and Bryant were the catalysts for their teams, they were ultimately beholden to the performances of their lesser-talented teammates. This seems to be a reasonable, and wholly unsatisfying, summation of the situation.

Unsatisfying, because we will never really be able to tell whether Kobe's viewed capitulation was actually an attempt to show up his teammates, whether he just shut it down once it was clear the game was out of control or if he was honestly just trying to get his team to play well as they had earlier in the series, subsuming his own numbers in a futile attempt to get the engine running again. The second option is non-Jordan, the third option is psuedo-Jordan and the first option is probably closer to Jordan than most people would like to admit.

We can't tell because Kobe's character has been warped by the funhouse mirror of his public persona. His actions on the court can never be interpreted as pure basketball because there are always other contexts forcing their way into the scene. Because he is defined through his relationships with his teammates and his coach, he has become larger than the game and thus impossible to gauge as a pure player of the game.

Perhaps the clarity of history and perfect vision of hindsight analysis will reveal more about Kobe, in the same way that it has created a much more nuanced picture of Jordan. Until then we will be unable to see Kobe winning except as Kobe feeding his own ego and unable to see Kobe losing without seeing Kobe sabotaging the team for the sake of his ego.

I apologize for being so Kobe-centric in my first two posts. He doesn't consume my imagination as much as he might seem, it's just that he was the last truly interesting story of These NBA Playoffs. The Once and Future King is going to get ground beneath the heel of the Pistons and after that, it's the usual suspects, as the Pistons and the Spurs have their hands on the tiller, Dallas and Miami have outside chances if they can get through this round and the Suns will invariably fall on their sword, the fabled blade of Nobigmen. The only thing that I'm really looking forward to at this point is the possibility of Sheed getting another ring, this time for the middle finger on his left hand.

Poetic Thugs, They All Need Hugs (How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love K.O.B.E...failing.)

2006-05-08T12:05:00.000-07:00

Looks like now Kobe really does have bigger fish to fry than Raja Bell. Real fish, because he and the Lakers have GOOOONE FISHIN' BABY!
I'm will Bill Simmons on ending all Jordan comparisons right effing now. Currently, Kobe is a healthier version of Vince Carter. Jordan was a competitor (he's probably swatting kids in some basketball camp right now), Kobe is a quitter (he's probably turning over a Parker Brother's board game right now, and stealing the pieces so no one can play. Ever again.)

Jordan with his team down a gillion points would done anything he could possibly do (read: shooting and getting to the line) to get his team back into the game. Kobe, being the square that he is, decided to do more things as a team.

One assist that won't show up in his stat column (coulda doubled his total for the game) was passing the beating that Phoenix layed down on Kobe to the rest of his team and MAN was it a DIME! 3 shots huh? He basically tried to throw Lamar Odom under the bus and put Smush, Kwame and Sasha on blast. Mamba thought he was slick, he thought we would see that he had NO help on his team to make it inconceivable he could have been even a little responsible for choking away three straight games.

Kobe underestimated real hoop fans who don't see, they observe. We got the dirt on you patna, lets go to the Game 7 stats.

R. Bell - 5-7
L. Barbosa - 10-12
S. Marion - 6-13
T. Thomas- 6-10
B. Diaw- 8 -14

Employee number 8, logging over 43 minutes, was guarding one or all of these guys at some point during the game. Laker fans will jump up and be like "NO HE WASN'T!". You know what???? We're both right! Kobe got lit up by almost everyone he guarded, in fact in the last 3 games of this sweet series all of his defensive assignments shot better that 50% from the field on him. So maybe instead of all that post game fist pumping, nipple showing and psycho-analysis of opponents, Kobe should have been watching tape on why he was getting his ass lit up.

Truth is in order for Kobe to be the "Greatest" (LOL) needs another player on his team in addition to Lamar Odom probably Chris Bosh OS X (you read it here second, you read it on rosco's post first). Another truth is, that Laker fans are soooo organized in their "Kobe is the best" B.S. that this addition will likely brainwash everyone into making Jordan comparisons all over again making Bosh OS X Kobe's Horace Grant.

I think $hort said it best, "There ain't nothin' worth kickin like a sucka MC." and right now employee number 8 is as sucka as they come.

Fear and Self-Loathing in P-Town

2006-05-08T11:43:00.000-07:00

I debated with myself on the subject of my first post for TMFF, and it took me a long time to choose my beloved Blazers over the despicable Lakers. But in the end, I realized I love the Blazers much more than I hate the Lakers - and that is saying a lot.

So, because I love them so, let me tear into them for a second. It is no stretch to say that Portland is currently in its worst crisis of its existence. What once was a proud and storied franchise has now become slightly worse than the Knicks (by two whole games). That, in itself, makes me shudder. Nevertheless, there's nowhere to go but up, right? Right?!

Alright, so we will have a top-4 draft pick in this year's lottery - yep, THIS year's, which I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, proves actually to be full of chocolately goodness rather than the bread and butter it appears to be. Adam Morrison, please prove those bastards wrong. Andrea Bargnani, please be the next Dirk and not the next Tskasavkdajvdaillli. LaMarcus (you know you're my boy, right?), be Chris Bosh OS X, not Sam Bowie XP (ooooh, outta left field, a PC jab). For the love of all things basketball, please let the Blazers draft one of these fine gents, and please, please, please sell some goddamn jerseys.

Well, I am getting ahead of myself. This is all hoping for the future; but let's see what is in our immediate past that needs to be rectified. In order, the three real "cancers" of the team (in the world of sports, the term "cancer" is definitely benign rather than malignant, because, let's face it, it's sports):

1. Paul Allen (Owner): Yep, the Paul Allen, owner of the Blazers for the past 18 years. While I can appreciate the two trips to the finals using his sweet, sweet moola, it has become all too clear that this guy is not a real business man. I would liken him to George Steinbrenner, only without the eye for talent. He spent buttloads of money on talent, giving up a nice chunk of his earned fortune, and what did it get us? A lot of trades that ended up better for the other team (no need to thank us, Detroit). Paul Allen has two failing companies. His cable venture is deep in the red, and, by comparison, the Blazers are in the pinkish-white. If you look into his corporate past you'll see that his running a company has never been successful - his leaving a company has, however, been immensely successful for both him and the company. He knows how to make an exit, and all I can hope is that he can make another.

2. John Nash (GM): According to HoopsHype (an excellent NBA resource, by the way), Nash's best move of his tenure with the Blazers has been sending Rasheed to Atlanta for Ratliff and Shareef (there was some change thrown in, but that's the gist). That was his BEST move? Rasheed has been called the best player in the league by Scoop Jackson, Shareef has been called a good player playing on bad teams, and Theo, well, he's just Theo - he's a role player in a league where that role is ever-disappearing - and he's old. By the start of next season, neither Shareef (already a King) nor Theo will don a Blazer uniform. WHAT A MOVE! (Aside: Rasheed'll always be a Blazer to me.) So that ought to sum up the fine job John Nash has done. Oh, should I mention that previously Nash worked in the Nets' and Wizards'/Bullets' front office? Should I also mention the surge in both franchises post-Nash? Didn't think I needed to.

3. Steve Patterson (President): Grow a pair! So far his best accomplishment the "no duh" move to help Houston get an NFL franchise. What? Football in Texas? What a wash that'll be! Santa H. Claus, a friggin' retarded kitten could come up with that. C'mon, Stevie, let's get back to the way it was in the Rockets' front office during the Hakeem years - make some critical moves, like, oh, I dunno, promote Kevin Pritchard.

You better believe there is a whole lot more wrong with the Blazers, and usually, I am an optimistic sort, but if it keeps going the way of the douchebag some other city in the union is going to be cursed with this franchise. Changes need to be made, and from all indication, it appears as if the top two above will be shilling themselves in other ventures, but who will take their place remains to be seen.

So, I offer my fearless predictions for the coming months:

1. Kiki Vandeweghe named General Manager.
2. Blazers receive the 3rd pick in the NBA draft.
3. Blazers select Andrea Bargnani (aka the Genoa Salami of NBA meats).

Whatever happens, there is one constant, one surety next season. The Blazers will at least tie the season series with the Lakers, and really, that's all I ask for.

(For more awesome Blazer bloggin action check out the following sites: OregonLive Blazers Blog, BlazersEdge)

Image Courtesy of Build A Bear.

There's always next year.

2006-05-06T13:11:00.000-07:00

This past year I moved across the country, from the heart of Philadelphia Flyers nation (the city of Philadelphia and it's surrounding PA/NJ suburbs) to the sunny west coast of California. While this journey has been nothing short of amazing, with the change in time zones it has been nearly impossible for me to sit and watch a complete Flyers game. As someone who had spent 23 years living and breathing Philadelphia hockey, this year has been quite a shock to me. Throughout the season I tried to stay on top of all their acquisitions and standings but it's never quite the same as actually getting to watch the team perform night in and night out. So when the playoffs started, I was finally excited for the hockey season. With only 16 teams and only half of them playing each night the ability to see a Flyers game had arrived. Of course, what I found when I was finally able to see the team had me stunned.

When the lockout finally ended, the NHL decided new rules were in order to help open up the game, to help make the game more accessible and entertaining to the average fan. These rules included eliminating the two line pass, shrinking the size of the goaltenders pads, expanding the defensive zones/shrinking the neutral zone and adding a crazy trapezoid behind the goal. All of these rule changes meant that teams were going to have to move away from the bruising, slowed down, neutral zone trap game that had flourished in the 90's. No longer were teams going to be able to score one goal and then play dump and chase for the rest of the game effectively choking the other team to submission. Teams would have to sign younger, faster, and stronger skaters if they had any intention of competing in this league.

At the end of the lockout, the Flyers seemed in good shape; they had a core of young, talented and hard working forwards who could carry the team for the next 5 years. Once they added Peter Forsberg, Flyers fans around the country rejoiced. It seemed the Stanley Cup was within our grasp, for the first time since 1997, and a game hadn't even been played yet. In the previous playoffs, the Flyers were defeated in the Eastern Conference Finals by a much younger and faster Tampa Bay Lightning team. So when word got out that general manager Bob Clarke was looking to make changes to his defensive corps, it was not a big surprise. What was the solution from the brilliant mind of Bob Clarke?

Denis Gauthier, Mike Rathje and Derian Hatcher. Or as I like to call them slow, slower and rigor mortis.

The Flyers first round opponent for the 2006 playoffs was the Buffalo Sabres, a much younger and faster team, and suddenly Flyers fans were having deja vu. It's not possible they would make the same mistake twice in a row. Bob Clarke must know something, right? Apparently not. This is the new NHL and Bob Clarke didn't get the message. This is not to say the Flyers were completely man-handled during the series, in fact it took the Sabres six games to finally eliminate them, but had the Flyers focused on developing a younger, faster team they may have had a chance to go all the way.

There is a Flyers tradition, dating all the way back to December 11, 1969. Before important games during the season or playoffs, the Flyers play Kate Smiths' rendition of "God Bless America". Amazingly the Flyers are 69-18-3 when this is played. As a lifelong Flyers fan, who for the first time is away from his family and friends, it would have been nice to hear it played on national TV, as the Flyers prepared to take the ice in the Stanley Cup finals. I guess there is always next year.

Game 7, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love K.O.B.E.

2006-05-05T11:16:00.000-07:00

When showing stats or information about a player, TNT has added a video clip of the player in question, doing whatever they want to do while the talking heads get "inside the numbers", as the kids like to say. First of all, these clips are somewhat unsettling, at least for someone brought up with the static player photograph. Most of the players seem as ill at ease as the viewer, which shouldn't be surprising as these are non-actors who have 10-seconds to sell their personality.

The most natural of the players in these videos is, of course, The Diesel. Mugging and clowning, Shaq easily portrays the persona that has made him one of the most immediately accessible yet ultimately enigmatic figures in the history of The Association. More than perhaps any other player in the history of the game, Shaq knows how to manipulate his public image to his own advantage, to the point where the only people who actually dislike the guy are people who view Shaq as having been the real catalyst behind the Kobe-Shaq split-up, which would be a small minority by most reckonings.

Kobe's TNT clip also manages to present a capsule version of himself, although it is almost certainly unintentional. Pursing his lips and locking eyes with the camera, Kobe is a canonical example of somebody trying to look tough where the emphasis is on "trying" instead of "tough". Like his rap album, it's a gesture intended to convince people that Kobe fits into the "urban baller" model and proves conclusively that he does not.

The archetype that seems more applicable is that of "tortured genius" on the level of Van Gogh or Caravaggio. Brilliant, misunderstood and unsufferably arrogant, Kobe has pulled a Bowie-esque (David, not Sam) transformation in these playoffs, suddenly appearing to be the team-first conductor of traffic that the media had been saying he was incapable of being. This conception of Kobe is so deep-set that as soon as he was viewed as having "regressed" by scoring 50 in Game 6, the TNT analysts concluded that he had lost the Lakers the game by scoring too much. The rebuttal came from Phil Jax, who pointed out that if Kobe had made his final shot in regulation, people would be praising Kobe for his aggressiveness.

He is perfectly correct in saying this and it is worth pointing out that Kobe is one of the few (would be the only, if it weren't for Billups and strangely enough, Lebron (only when driving)) players in the league where you are surprised when he misses an important shot. "Surprised" may not be a strong enough word for it, because it feels as if you've fallen through a rip in reality, like something has gone horribly wrong on an existential scale. Which is silly considering that this event is statistically fairly regular, which still does not deny that that the feeling is there.

The consensus seems to be that Game 7 will be determined by which Kobe shows up: Gunner Kobe (Lakers lose) or Conductor Kobe (Lakers win). As clear-cut as that analysis might be given the earlier results in the series, any of those games also could have easily swung the other way. I don't believe that which role Kobe plays determines who will win or lose. I do believe that having Kobe involved makes just about any game worth watching and a Game 7 gives it the possibility of epicness, for either Kobe calling out his self-believed status of Better Than Jordan or for watching somebody incredibly talented fall short of their expectations.

Welcome to The Middle Foam Finger

2006-05-04T13:57:00.000-07:00

We're Making This Blog Because Your Favorite Team Sucks.
Your Favorite Player Sucks. Your Fans Suck. Your Team's Storied History Sucks.

2004 Red Sox? Sucked.
Ted Williams? Sucked.
Fenway Park? SUCKS!
Red Sox Fans? Suck Wicked Hard.

Okay maybe just the Red Sox suck, but at some point this blog is going to aimed at teams, fans, history, ball parks, stadiums, arenas, players, their wives, ummmm pets, shoes, rec league sports, regular olympics, special olympics, colleges, high school, little league, (Insert Sport) Parents, sports that no one cares about, fans of said sports, sports writers, sports bloggers (fake sports writers)....whatever. I kind of suck for writing this because it's not very creative, but that's not going to stop me from continuing to post about things that I hate, and right now it's really easy.

The Middle Foam Finger

Conspiracy and Sport

An Open Letter to Adrian Wojnarowski

Happy New Year, Idiots

I Pay Your Salary OR The Sociology of Fandom, Part Whatever

Blazers Wallpaper!

R.I.P. Duckworth

I just can't help myself

Quarterfinal Previews: Game One

Domenech the Donkey

Euro 2008 Days 3 and 4; Rooting for the Underdog

Euro 2008, Days 1 & 2 Analysis

Holy Balls, I am Rooting for Boston

Man U - Barcelona II

Man U - Barcelona

In Soviet Russia, the ball shoots you

The Adventures of Greggy and Kev the Wunderkind

Up Yours, Internet

Wise Fwom Yo Gwave

The Curse of Spain

Celebration of a Single Table

The Making of a Star OR Freekobe OR The Golden LeBron

MFF Flips Off the NBA Season...

The Adventures of Greggy and Kev the Wunderkind

'Fair' Competition OR Economics in Sports, Part One

Rosco's Lotto Fever - version 2

The Adventures of Greggy and Kev the Wunderkind

2008 Olympic USA Basketball Cut-List

Revival

Jacque Vaughn Sighting!

Manchester United - AC Milan CL Full-time Report

Manchester United - Milan CL Halftime Report

Turn that Shit Down

Luol Deng: Telekinetic Master

Never Saw THIS on "Hang Time"

It's About Time

A Middle Foam Finger Salute to the NCAA Tournament

In Hudson's defense, he was probably drunk

How Vegetable was my Coach OR England-Spain Match Report

Pacers Warriors trade, Take One

I'm so bored with the N.F.L.

Halftime from Chelsea-Arsenal

Champion's League 11/21 Match Report

¡Take Me Out to El Partido de Beí­sbol!

An Open Letter to David Stern and the NBA

Up Yours, GMs

Wide, WIDE World of Fútbol

AKA "The Boot(htroyd) 'n Scoot"

Big, Fat, Middle Foam Finger to the Premiership Season Debut

HONK HONK

Dennis Bergkamp!

The Terrible Towel

To Live and Die in Germany

Football Predestination

That Never Happens

Team of the Group Stage

Your New York Knickerbotchers

A New Swiss Chalet for Mr. Merk

NBA Draft Growing Pains

Separated at Birth? (World Cup Edition)

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Soccer

World Cup Panda-Mania-Onium!

Step Off, Bitches

Sven-ger-land

World Cup Preview - Group H

These Finals Suck!

World Cup Preview - Group G

World Cup Preview - Group F

It'll never play in Wurzberg

World Cup Preview - Group E

World Cup Preview - Group D

World Cup Preview - Group C

World Cup Preview - Group B

World Cup Preview - Group A

I'm Here

Rosco's Lotto Fever

WTF?

His protests go unheeded

Bruise Bowen

Leave 'Sheed Alone, You Retarded Zebras!

¡Take Me Out to El Partido de Beísbol!