Thursday, June 08, 2006

These Finals Suck!

Why I’ll Hardly Be Watching, But Rooting for the Heat Anyway.

I know, I know, it probably seems like all I do is write bitch about the NBA, but, well, actually, it’s true. But, see my angle – the college hoops season is over (Jim Calhoun will get his!).

So since all I do is hate on what really irks me about pro basketball (including my own team), I figure I’ll have a field day with this year’s NBA finals, including the two final teams, neither of which had the “Rosco Seal of Approval” entering the playoffs. And let me start by saying, I detest both teams in the Finals. But… I hate Miami a little less.

You know what’s really going to burn me about the eventual champ? That some of the following guys are going to get an NBA Championship Ring (with gold on it, and diamonds, and stickers):

Middle Foam Finger!

Antoine Walker
Isn’t enough that he has a college championship under his increasingly expanding belt? Do we have to give this mutant of a basketball player another reason to call himself a champion? I mean, at least at Kentucky, Pitino kept him in line a bit. He didn’t used to do that stupid shimmy dance after he hit his first three-pointer in four hundred attempts. See what hanging around Paul Pierce gets you?!?

Jason Terry
So this guy has a peanut for a head right? I mean, it doesn’t just look like a peanut – I think it IS a peanut. Have you seen the decisions this guy has made? He got kicked out of Atlanta. A-t-l-a-n-t-a! I don’t even think I have to mention his headband – it’s SPRING-loaded. That thing is going to shoot off his head and kill someone (you read it here first). I think he's too into punching people in the goobs. Pass the ball, asshole!

Keith Van Horn
I’m not as big a Van Horn-hater as most Americans seem to be. After all, he must be of Dutch descent. But, really, does this guy deserve an NBA ring? He deserves that as much as I deserve a kick in the pants – uh, scratch that.

Erick Dampier
Can this hack win an NBA Championship? He is four games away, which is pretty scary. The good part is that when he matches up against Shaq, his drawers will be “dampier” than a 13-day-old’s diaper.

Jason Williams
White Chocolate is the bitch of chocolates, which makes Jason “Wannabe Jay” Williams the bitch of NBA point guards. Get your street-hustling, non-committal, jack-‘em-up game outta here.

Jerry Stackhouse
He thinks he’s Michael Jordan. Michael Jordan thinks he’s a punk. I think I agree with MJ.

But, on the other side, kudos to any of these guys if they win:

Foam Thumbs Up!

Shaquille O’Neal
I only really care about Shaq because this would be the ultimate FU to Kobe. Come to think of it, can’t Shaq get a new tattoo that reads, “FUK?”

Udonis Haslem
He is perhaps my favorite player in the finals (because Podkolzin isn’t playing). He’s a tough workhorse and he doesn’t complain about minutes or touches – give this guy a ring for not being a douche. Also, he has a wicked arm and can fling his mouthpiece faster than Marcus Vick can sling his Glock.

Josh Howard and Dirk Nowitzki
The only Mavericks I can stand. These guys are real basketball players. Josh plays a lot of good defense here and there, but I like the both of them for their offensive tenacity and persistence. Also, they don’t punch people in the balls (that being said, can Portland sign Reggie Evans? We could use a good nob-jabber).

[Aside: 24/7 tried to make the point to me that Howard is the real leader of the Mavs, probably only to back up his “not really contradicting himself” rooting for the Mavs, but not wanting a Euro-led team to win the NBA championship. So in other words, it’s a good pile of bulls’ shit.]

Derek Anderson
I’m really only rooting for him because he’s an ex-Blazer. Since he donned the great uniform, he gets a Foam Thumbs Up from me. I mean, you can’t tell me Derek isn’t looking as debonair as possible in this picture. Look at the fit he’s got – all genuine class. Only one person made this jersey look bad – I won’t name names, but let’s just say he plays for the Nuggets now, and he’s about as talented as one of those spicy golden nuggets I drop in the toilet bowl each morning.

Michael Doleac
I admit that I have a soft spot for goofy looking white centers, and you could probably figure out on your own that my own biases for Mr. Doleac reside a lot in the fact that he calls P-Town home. He also went to Utah and was coached by Rick Majerus. And Rick Majerus is fat. And fat people are funny.

Avery Johnson
I really liked him as a player, but I am unsure of him as a coach. Obviously, he’s done a great job (kind of nice following Don Nelson, ain’t it?). But, he is part of the Mavericks, and that, my friends, is a giant no-no in my book (least favorite teams in the west: (1) Lakers, (2) Mavericks). But, on the bright side, he does have the biggest mouth in the entire universe – he’s got to be in the Guinness Book of World Records, he’s GOT to be. That thing could envelope an Airbus 380.

What to look for in these finals

Dwyane Wade burns everyone.
Mr. "I Have Two Moves But It Doesn’t Matter Because I Am Too Fast" shouldn’t have trouble beating even the Mav’s best defenders (Daniels, Howard). Just remember this, Dallas, if he goes left – pull up jumper. If he goes right – strong to the lane. But, all in all, it won’t matter, Dallas, but it’s good to know it anyways, so that when he does burn you, you can say to yourself, “Yep, that’s what he did alright, I’ll be.” Then you can scrape yourself off the floor.

Dirk scores 30 ppg.
This ought to be the Dirk show. Just like there won’t be any defending Wade, no one on the Heat roster will match up with Dirk and he’ll make impossible jumpers look routine. And since he’s German, he might shit on the Heat both figuratively and literally.

Shaq slaps Dampier.
All right, maybe we won’t see this, but wouldn’t it be great? I would love to see a Shaq-sized Ostertag slap on this bitch of an NBA center (the “best center in the West,” my ass).

NBA Finals Ennui

In short, ugh. These finals, while they should be pretty competitive, don’t have the luster to draw me in.

Considering it’s World Cup season, I think I’ll watch a good 30 minutes of the NBA finals. Mr. Stern you should have fixed the playoffs better!

Final Prediction: Heat in 6.

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