Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Rosco's Lotto Fever

The NBA Draft Lottery was last night, so I must throw in my top 14 Mock Draft just like everyone else on the internet has. The difference is, uh, there is no difference...

1. Toronto Raptors - Andrea Bargnani (SF/PF Italy)
Earlier I dubbed him the Genoa Salami of NBA meats, but because of the rumors swirling around about his whining and moaning - generally being Generale Douchebaganno - I am going to rename him the Hormel mass-processed Pepperoni Loaf. Toronto ought to have a fun time with Bargnani, Villenueva, and Bosh in their frontcourt. That is - if none of them break in half.

2. Chicago Bulls - LaMarcus Aldridge (PF/C Texas)
Those of you that know me, ought to know that LaMarcus is my boy. It really has nothing to do that he is from my alma mater. Actually, wait, it does. He's a gifted post player with the frame and the need to add on some bulk. Maybe he should eat Bargnani as a light snack and finish it off with a side of Redick. Chicago will like this pick because it gives them something Tyson Chandler doesn't have - talent.

3. Charlotte Bobcats - Adam Morrison (SF Gonzaga)
Another one of my boys, I have the flop hair and 'stache to prove it. Everyone's comparing him to Wally Szczerbiak, but I honestly think he'll be better. His work ethic transcends that of Wally, and he head butts people. That makes him aces in my book. I really hate to see him in Charlotte (and those Redick lovers down there will too). He's unfortunately going to be teamed up with all those "I'm staying at North Carolina, just not college" wizards of rhetoric Felton and May. But, on the plus side Gerald Wallce, aka AK47 Lite, will be around.

4. Portland Trailblazers - Brandon Roy (SG Washington)
Ah, the Swiss Army knife in the draft. Quite frankly, if there is any team that needs a Swiss Army knife, its my Blazers. Last year, we were a magnifying glass, a bottle opener, and a tiny pair of scissors away from a mediocre season - which is to say, we had a horrible, horrible, horrible season. I love this guy's versatility and his all-round talent. He's the type of player that can make Sebastian, Martell, and Mr. Outlaw so much better. He also allows us to get rid of Darius "Frequent Air" Miles.

5. Atlanta Hawks - Tyrus Thomas (PF LSU)
An exciting pick, and I would consider him the dark horse of the draft. I am just very unsure how he will turn out in the NBA. I hope he succeeds, but seriously, can someone who was only noticed for three games in the postseason garner NBA-wide attention (cough, Jerome James, cough). Oh, and he is 6'9, which means he is a LOCK for the Hawks to draft him.

6. Minnesota Timberwolves - Rudy Gay (SF UConn)
Yes, get it out of your systems, his last name is "Gay." Hahaha, everyone. Oh wait, that is going to be on NBA jerseys? They will be marketed and sold? Well, that is funny. Who knows what the Wolves'll do here, but with all the KG trade rumors and noting that the Wolves' starting 3 is Rickery-Dickery Davis, I can only imagine that the Wolves spin this one as "taking the best player in the draft," but really, just covering their ass (eh Gay? eh?).

7. Boston Celtics - Shelden Williams (C Duke)
He torched Boston College last year in Boston, and I am hoping a Celtics scout was on hand to see him out-muscle pratically everyone in the college game. I still contend he was the best player on Duke last year, despite the awards. He could be the beast in the paint the Celtics have been searching for ever so unsuccessfully with people like Mark "Sleepy" Blount and Kendrick "I show up when I want to" Perkins.

8. Houston Rockets - Rodney Carney (SF Memphis)
This guy is somewhat of an enigma for this draft. He is so athletically gifted, but at the same time shows flashes of Mensa-level Basketball IQ. He could turn out to be anything from Darius Miles (you know my thoughts) to Tracy McGrady. So why wouldn't the Houston want to gamble to get two T-Macs? I mean, then you have a spare when one is injured. This move would also even out the Rockets starting five and give them absolutely no hope to win a long-range battle - but their dunks would be pretty spectacular.

9. Golden State Warriors - Randy Foye (PG Villanova)
I am not sure how BopCity and the Electric Zarko (both Warrior fans) would feel about this pick, but I think it might be the best of all worlds for them. He's an East Bay type player from the East Coast and could immediately fit in for the Warriors, you know, because Baron will only play three games next year. I think the Warriors make this move, as Monta seems to be more of a 2 and less a viable 1. Foye really does have the same qualities of a Chauncey Billups, in the sense that he does what it takes for his team, and I could easily see the undersized backcourt as an NBA fad to come. Now, if they could just move J-Rich to the 3 and bundle up Dunleavy and Murphy - not in a trade, per se, but in a blanket before throwing them off the Bay Bridge.

10. Seattle Supersonics - Ronnie Brewer (SG/SF Arkansas)
Seattle's two biggest concerns outside of David Stern and his "carpet pull trick" are Ray Allen's arthritis and Rashard Lewis' exit plans - so why not get someone who, if needed, could fill in either role? He may not have the range that either player has, but if he's the next Joe Johnson (like so many draft experts that cannot think of comparisons outside of race or school), then you better believe they'll jump on that opportunity.

11. Orlando Magic - J.J. Redick (SG Duke)
I am about to write about J.J. Redick - it's tearing me up inside. I think he is a fine outside shooter, but I don't see much beyond that. Apparently, many sportswriters did and he won the Wooden Award, the Naismith Award, and the Irving J. Douchebag Award. Since this is a mock draft, I have to mimic actual picks, and sometimes (if not most times) picks are bad. This one is bad. Redick = good college player. Redick = tweener. Redick = Shawn Respert (remember that pick, Portland?).

12. New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets - Patrick O'Bryant (C Bradley)
Top center in the draft, best available player for need. 'Nuff said. Okay, I'll say some more. Despite what you might think, Patrick is NOT Irish. Actually, I think he's the first center in the draft that weighs more than 250 lbs since Shaq. Actually, I could be wrong, but it sure seems it doesn't it? Sure Patrick went to a school named for a sissy, preppy boys name, but should that take anything away from his stock? Yes, yes it should.

13. Philadelphia 76ers - Marcus Williams (PG UConn)
Let's move A.I. back to the 2, whaddya say Mr. Cheeks? Marcus is the best pure point guard in the draft and could instantly work within an A.I./Iguodala focused offense. At this point I am assuming Chris Webber will be on a milk carton somewhere, if not on the Knicks (they would seriously be the only ones to take him on, am I right?). Additionally, there are so many computers in Philadelphia to keep Marcus busy.

14. Utah Jazz - Mardy Collins (PG/SG Temple)
The combo guard could work nicely in Utah, even though they don't seem to appreciate black basketball players (Sloan, you are near the top of my shit list). But, come on, Utah, his name is Collins, that could be white, right? He's the best player available, so just take him. Fine, take Whiteboy O'Talentless, doesn't bother me...
Somewhere in the 20s. Los Angeles Lakers - Stiff McBoogerDouche (SF/PF/C Sam Houston Institute of Technology)
They are going to draft someone no one has ever heard of and no one will ever again.

That's all for now. I hope I have fulfilled your jones for Laker-hating, Jazz-hating, Redick-hating mock drafts.

Until the next time, keep it real and hope, just hope, that Matt K and/or BopCity adds to the blog sometime, somwhere.

(P.S. Since we got screwed this year, can you give us the number one pick next year, NBA? I appreciate it.)

Comments on "Rosco's Lotto Fever"


post a comment