Friday, August 18, 2006

Big, Fat, Middle Foam Finger to the Premiership Season Debut

Okay, let's get some things straight before I "dive" into all this Premiership season opener shizz.

I am going to do some "filler" soccer material until our prodigal soccer son Electric Zarko returns from his post-maritals.

This means, of course, that I will run my mouth, quite naïvely, aimed at Premiership oppression. And, by oppression, I mean Chelsea Football Club, otherwise known as the über-Yankees (but more on them that later).

So, sit back, enjoy your favorite frosty beverage and think up some original swear words to yell at the screen while you read a very uninformed take on the EPL.

By the way, in the vain of opinion-based soccer rating, I suppose I should mention that I am a Liverpool supporter, and second to that, "el hatred supremo" of Senhor Jose Mourinho (in my American sports definition, the Jim Calhoun of soccer managers).

Onto the "preview."


Top Scorer:
Thierry Henry (Arsenal) - I am not sure this guy has ever NOT been the top scorer of the EPL. I know you shouldn't root for him because he's French (or in some circles, appartenly he's Freedom), but he's one of the GOOD Frenchies, probably because he's not "genetically" French. And by "genetically," I mean he doesn't surrender that easily.

Player Most Likely to be Assassinated by Rosco Someone Who Gets Away Scot-Free:
Frank Lampard (Chelsea) - I don't know if I could put into my words why I dislike this guy so much, other than he's a complete jerk tool jerky tool. That, and he plays for Chelsea AND the English national team (which in itself, is almost a plus, considering what a non-threat they seem to be).

Players Fighting for Rosco's Immortal Love:
Dirk Kuyt (Liverpool) and Antonio Valencia (Wigan) - A little background. My High School career started in Ecuador (Valencia's home), it finished in the Netherlands (Kuyt's home). So, needless to say I am a little torn. Dirk Kuyt played for my favoritest football club, Feyenoord (ROTTERDAM! Isht, isht, isht), and, of course, for my boys, the Netherlands national team. Valencia plays for my "part-time" (read: bandwagon) boys the Ecuadorian national soccer team and blew me over with his impressive play at the World Cup. Still torn, slight edge to Kuyt. Valenica is not as goofy looking as Kuyt. But, he plays for Wigan. Kuyt plays for the Reds, my EPL boys. Torn, but I'll live with choosing the tall, Dirk, and not-so-handsome.

Predictions (the top 5):

1. Liverpool - Yep, I will admit this is a total homer pick. And, really, I am fine with that. All those other suck-bob EPL teams can go take a flying leap. Liverpool, in my opinion, vastly underperformed last year, but still won the FA Cup. And, when you have "Gorgeous George" Kuyt on the squad with the best English player on the planet, Mr. Gerrard (yep, I said it), they look to be in good position here to topple the all-star douche team that is the Blues of Chelsea.

2. Arsenal - A'ight, I am really just picking based on personal preference, rather than any sort of actual talent and intangible markers, but, that's how I do. People seem to be complaining that their backline is weak, but if memory serves, they have Phillippe Senderos - the swiss wundermonster who dominated the competition in the World Cup. Sure, he's injured, but how about the rest of that underrated line? Emmanuel "I Dive For a Living" Eboue, Gael "Cliché" Clichy, and Mr. Kolo "the Fury" Toure ought to be juuuust fine without him for the time being. Oh yeah, they also have one of the more talented keepers, even if he is a bit off-his-rocker (otherwise known as "being German"). Add to that Mr. Henry and one of the best transfers - Rosicky, and you've got yourself a fun-to-watch team.

3. Manchester United - Yep, the pretty boys in Red (well, except for Rooney, that dude is some sort of experiment gone wrong). They have all the panache of the Phoenix Suns without the likability. All around they are pretty solid, but that (current) lack of a second viable striker (I'm not taking any Solskjaer bets) will probably cost them a bit. But, they'll be a fun team to watch, even if your goal is only to watch some nut-crunching action, that is when Christiano Ronaldo is not making some fantastic dribbling move to only lose the ball, then dive to try and win it back.

4. Chelsea - Ugh. Well, I had to include them in the top four, if only because their manager is a "genius." I will give them this, they do have a few players I like - Robben, Cech, Shev, and Terry. But, really, the rest of them can take go play doucheball in an acid bath. In fact, Lampard and Mourinho should probably go play grab-ass in a mine-field. Yep, I think that'd do it. That'd put a good smile on my face. Maybe, if we tethered some wolverines to their ankles while they played. It really is a shame that they will win the Premiership, a goddamn shame. But, at least in my world, on this post, they will barely crack the top five - and really, that's all I need.

5. Newcastle or Tottenham or Blackburn - One of these teams will round it out, and all of them have the potential to be at number five or even higher. There is a lot of talent on these teams, but perenially they are underachievers, so don't expect too much from these guys - just hope that they go out there and compete and that Damien Duff and Shay Given represent the Republic well. But, really, they will never win just because of their sissy nicknames - who names a team after something you put on a boot? WTF is that about? We wouldn't do that in an AMERICAN sports league!! And WTF is a Magpie?

Okay, that about wraps up my rant for the time being, be sure to wake up really early and watch a little Premiership on Saturday - it's not like there's college football on... yet.

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